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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 03-24-2018, 11:57 PM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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Default access for teens with jobs

What happens when you have a teen, say 14,15,16 year old who gets a summer job at the lake, can stay at a relatives cabin of one parent (primary access parent), away from normal city residence of both parents. One parent (non primary access parent, who is supposed to have 2 weeks of child's summer and EOW) doesn't agree to this, insists child must stay at their house during their access time. Or this could even apply when a child whose parents live in different cities decides they want a summer job and not go to other arents house for summer anymore.

Child doesnt want to go and wants to spend summer at the lake at the summer job. Can child just refuse to go the parents house? Would courts likely take what child wants into consideration for summer jobs? Would it make a difference at 14 vs 16 years of age. Woudl things like this even usualy end up in court?
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Old 03-25-2018, 01:05 AM
backinthesaddle backinthesaddle is offline
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My kids are that age. They have a huge say in what they do and would tell the other parent exactly how they feel and that they are taking the job. The other parent needs to recognize that children at that age now have a voice and are starting their independence in life. Perhaps try to facilitate a time that is better for visits etc. They are getting too old to be told what to do with their time especially a summer job and experience that benefits them. It is the best interest of the child and not the parent so their opinions matter to court. It wouldn't get to court unless the other parent has money to burn. I know my kids would tell my ex to go pound salt if he tried to derail their summer plans. What worked when they were little kids in custody battles does not work when they become young adults.
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Old 03-25-2018, 01:51 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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As a parent I would hope you would tell your child they still have to visit the other parent. Surely they won’t be working every single day. Summer jobs are great for teens and both parents should be encouraging this, however if one parent is unable to see their child because they are staying at their other parents family cottage I can certainly understand why this would cause angst between the parents. Tell the child they must work out a schedule to see the other parent. Situation reversed you have to ask yourself if you would be okay with not seeing your child all summer because of a summer job and then staying at the other parents place.

Maybe I have your rolls wrong and you are the parent that disagrees and won’t see your child and if that is the case reach out to your child and let them know you support the job and would like to work out an arrangement where they visit you on some of their non working days but I certainly wouldn’t expect them to spend weeks at your place when they have a job, unless you can get them to and from their employment


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Old 03-25-2018, 03:14 PM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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I think it is reasonable that sees other parent at some time in summer. The concern is if held to the must be every EOW and full 2 weeks then teen cant take the job at all. I dont know that will happen, but based on past, certainly a strong possibility it will and need to prepare for what to do if other parent refuses to let child have job.
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Old 03-25-2018, 04:30 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Primary parent should not have allowed child to apply without knowledge of the other parent. Why? Because kid isnt even staying with primary parent. This could be considered like a camp or sleep away activity. Plus it impacts on non primary parents parenting time.

Get this in your head and repeat it—this isnt visitation or access time. Its PARENTING TIME. This parent has a right to see their kid and going two months without seeing their kid is UNFAIR. The parent who allowed this should be ashamed of themself. This isnt a summer job. This is a gone for the summer activity with employment attached.

There is a difference between a kid who has a job across town and a kid who has a job in another town. Plus a child of 14, 15, 16 is still under 18 and requires parents permission to stay in another town for the summer.

If it was a situation where kid had to work friday and saturday of the other parents time there is understanding because that parent still sees them, has them staying there and can drive them to work. This situation has kid gone for two months.
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Old 03-25-2018, 05:12 PM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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At this point teen hasnt applied for job and wont for a year or 2, as not quite there yet in age. I am thinking towards the future with a child who probably will want to go. It was tossed around as an idea (among us all, including ex) before separation that maybe someday in future when a teen, wants to go and work for the summer. If still married likely would happen and no issue about it. Teen has seen others in the community go and work as teens for the summer.

That is why I posed the question, to get a sense of what people feel is realistic or not, and at what age. To see how separation would or should affect these decisions. Should the opportunites for the teen be different if married or separated? Where and when should teens interests take over from parents.

I am on the fence about it honestly. I cant see telling a 16 or 17 year old they cant have a job at the lake for the summer, Maybe a 14 year old it is too young? I have a co-worker who's kids are in the cadet program. They (older teens) are gone for 6 weeks of the summer. If parents are divorced is it social unacceptable to go to cadet camp for 6 weeks? Younger teens go for shorter camps, but I think by about age 15 or 16 the camps are 6 weeks long for cadets. Does having divorced parents mean you can only have long summer experiences within the city you live in? At what point should teen get to decide for themselves what they want to do int eh summer? I fully expected that at some point my children when teens, whether or not I am the primary parent or access parent or whether or not we were still married or separated, is going to want to spend the summer doing something away from home for most of the summer.
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Old 03-25-2018, 05:23 PM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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Quote:
Primary parent should not have allowed child to apply without knowledge of the other parent.
This is the exactly the point I am trying to get at. At what age is it reasonable to not be about what the parents allow , and about what the teen wants? Is it 18 the legal age of adulthood or younger? What if neither parents want kid to have a summer job, what if one does and one doesnt, what if kid doesnt consult either parents and just applies and gets a job and goes? I think for a camp you would have to have a parent sign a consent form to go, even if older liek 16 or 17. I am not sure about jobs. Do parents have to sign a consent to a 16 or 17 year old having a job?
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Old 03-25-2018, 05:52 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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If there is a good relationship with both parents then there shouldnt be a problem. There should also be an option for both parents to have a say. This might be helped by both parents keeping open channels of communication with each other and kids.
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Old 03-25-2018, 09:38 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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I think BOTH parents should want to instill a work ethic in their children. This could be a great opportunity for the child. It seems unfair to me that separated/divorced parents stand in the way because they may loose parenting time. Isnt part of being a parent encouraging a child to become self sufficient?

Parenting is about making sacrifices for the best interest of the child. Surely there must be some compromises BOTH parents can make to let the child have this opportunity. Loosen the access time of one parent so the other may have more to visit the child at the lake? Allow more time in June or September for make up time?

I feel so bad for the kids that by no choice of their own, ended up with this dilemma. Guessing that they are in high school and they have to compete against students in university that have an edge that they finish school weeks earlier, then compete against parents that allow it and not take off 'parenting time (sorry boss, I need time off to spend with my parents as per their court order, Its like the child has too many strikes against him/her and discourages the child for future employment in their teenage years. Employment is a competition and best to get them use to it at an early age.

Be careful what you wish for, do you want a bored teenager hanging around all summer getting into trouble on each of your parenting time???
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Old 03-26-2018, 08:32 AM
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cashcow4ex cashcow4ex is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
I think BOTH parents should want to instill a work ethic in their children. This could be a great opportunity for the child. It seems unfair to me that separated/divorced parents stand in the way because they may loose parenting time. Isnt part of being a parent encouraging a child to become self sufficient?

Parenting is about making sacrifices for the best interest of the child. Surely there must be some compromises BOTH parents can make to let the child have this opportunity. Loosen the access time of one parent so the other may have more to visit the child at the lake? Allow more time in June or September for make up time?

I feel so bad for the kids that by no choice of their own, ended up with this dilemma. Guessing that they are in high school and they have to compete against students in university that have an edge that they finish school weeks earlier, then compete against parents that allow it and not take off 'parenting time (sorry boss, I need time off to spend with my parents as per their court order, Its like the child has too many strikes against him/her and discourages the child for future employment in their teenage years. Employment is a competition and best to get them use to it at an early age.

Be careful what you wish for, do you want a bored teenager hanging around all summer getting into trouble on each of your parenting time???
I agree with this poster and I am in a similar boat. Ex and I live about 50 minutes apart. My oldest (16) got their first part-time job. At the time, they were living with the other parent and I was EOW. The child and I spoke about the situation, while I wasn't keen on missing time I agreed to it. Well, the Ex didn't like this arrangement as it meant they would lose their "alone time" so they made the child keep calling to switch shifts or call in sick EOW when it was "their alone time". Subsequently the child lost their first job after 1 month which they took pretty badly, feeling like a failure. With that being said, I do understand that a lot of people live within close proximity to each other and the above doesn't apply.

The reality is, at some point we as parents need to start preparing and guiding our children for the responsibilities of adulthood. Making them wait till their 18 when they can "finally" make their own decisions on their parenting visitation is too late, not to mention could cause some harbored ill feelings towards the parents. Generation Z for the most part are a self entitled generation who feel everything should be handed to them without working for it. I am not saying everyone child is like this but the vast majority are.

Just my 2 cents!
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