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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 12-15-2012, 06:00 PM
Research Research is offline
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Default Parent not dropping off children as agreed

I live near my ex-spouse and we have shared custody. We have a standing e-mail agreement that all transfers will be by drop-off. She just told me she will no longer do drop-offs. She also said that if I want to take the children tomorrow (Sunday), I have to pick them up from where she is staying an hour away, half an hour later than our agreed upon schedule. This will cause the children to miss church and their church Christmas performance. She is breaking our agreement and playing a game with access. What can I do?
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:16 PM
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You want to get her refusal to abide by your agreement in writing (I hope her informing you wasn't done verbally).

Tell her it is in the best interests of the children that they do not miss their special Sunday at church. I'd offer to perhaps pick the kids up but insist it will be several hours earlier or, alternately, ask her to bring the kids to your place this evening. Try to turn the situation into something positive - early morning breakfast before church?

Sometimes we have to bend a bit in order to ensure that the kids don't get stuck in the middle. If she has always been cooperative in the past then you might want to be courteous. You would hope she returns the courtesy in the future - you might want to indicate that in your email.

Taking the high road is probably the way to go. Lead by example and use the opportunity to explain and compare your situation "eye for an eye" thing in the bible.
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:44 PM
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Thank you, arabian. I do have her statement in an e-mail. The problem is, if I drive to her, she'll just continue these manipulative tactics to inconvenience me and make it more difficult to receive the children for my time.
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:46 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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So instead of having the exchanges via "drop off", you pick up to start your parenting time and she picks up to start her parenting time.
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:48 PM
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Except that she's arbitrarily choosing random pickup locations and times that work better for her in the moment...
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Old 12-15-2012, 07:13 PM
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Let her know you will pick them up at a certain time tomorrow if the concert is important. Deal with the matter later without involving the children.

She is trying to get your goat. Don't let her run the show.
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Old 12-15-2012, 07:16 PM
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And in general, how should one approach the problem of an ex that is breaking an agreement about transfer times and locations?
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Old 12-15-2012, 08:41 PM
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I believe they have those neutral drop off places. You can go to court and have your agreement amended. Then the two of you don't have to deal with each other. It will cost you plenty in legal bills but if neither you nor your ex are willing to work together on this, it might be well worth the money.

Lawyers love it when people don't get along. Ca-ching $$$
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Old 12-15-2012, 09:40 PM
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My ex and I realized very early on that for us to have a good working relationship with our child we needed to pick up and drop off in a neutral place. For this reason our pick ups and drop offs were done first at daycare, now at school. This means we aren't physically seeing each other often and the we don't have to rely on each other being on time. Now there are a few exceptions to this, like when there is no school or our child is sick.

Is there a reason your schedule cannot be altered to allow a "neutral" location where one parent drops off at the beginning of the day and the other picks up at the end...or something like that?
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Old 12-16-2012, 02:17 PM
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Another solution would be to get your agreement turned into a court order and then have a clause that says that this court order is enforced by the police . This way if she breaks the agreement, you could go to the police for enforcement. Neutral location midway from both parties is the best option. Do it at a place where there are people around you , like McDonalds, they usually have video cameras outside the lot, or a shopping mall, or school.
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