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  • #16
    It sounds that its a lot easier to just walk out. How much more would one screw up ones children by just walking out versus dragging them through the experience of parents divorcing?
    You definitely should not just "walk out." You really shouldn't do anything until you get a legal consultation but under no circumstance should you leave the house without a temporary SA in place unless you want to face the very strong possibility of losing custody and access to your children.

    Divorce is at first a difficult adjustment for everyone...especially the kids. But it does get better. You find a new normal and things eventually settle down. You have to be prepared for at least 2 years (maybe more) of really tough times. Legal bills, lawyer visits, court dates, negotiations, custody/access struggles, etc.

    Personally, its been very worth it to me but you'll hear from a lot of bitter, angry people on this forum who have trouble disconnecting emotionally from their ex's and will never really recover from divorce. You have to figure out the price you're willing to pay...both to stay in a crappy, loveless marriage or to give yourself a chance at another life.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by lostinspace View Post
      .........
      You are in a shitty position. What I`m reading in your post is a lot of unhappy sex talk. You want to have great sex but your woman isn't providing it. You think she's hopeless in bed and want to cheat but would feel horribly guilty if you did. As a result you watch a lot of porn and fantasize about friends/coworkers.

      Here's your choices:

      1-Remain married to her and try to work things out
      2-Remain married and cheat on her
      3-Divorce

      Looks like you tried Option (1) and it's not working. Option (2) is the easy road for some people. My conscience couldn't handle keeping secrets from my partner. Option (3) is the great unknown. As others have said, financial problems, legal issues, children could suffer.

      Shitty choices...

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      • #18
        Originally posted by DeadBeatDouchebagDad View Post
        You are in a shitty position. What I`m reading in your post is a lot of unhappy sex talk. You want to have great sex but your woman isn't providing it. You think she's hopeless in bed and want to cheat but would feel horribly guilty if you did. As a result you watch a lot of porn and fantasize about friends/coworkers.

        Here's your choices:

        1-Remain married to her and try to work things out
        2-Remain married and cheat on her
        3-Divorce

        Looks like you tried Option (1) and it's not working. Option (2) is the easy road for some people. My conscience couldn't handle keeping secrets from my partner. Option (3) is the great unknown. As others have said, financial problems, legal issues, children could suffer.

        Shitty choices...
        quite a leap there.

        To the OP. I hope you are seeking therapy for yourself to help you see things clearer. Your wife may not think anything is wrong, the sex could be a medical thing with your wife or maybe you need to spice it up in the bedroom. Are you being affectionate or is she feeling used for sex?

        Stop and think a bit more about it. Send the kids to the grandparents for a weekend and have a heart to heart talk with the wife. That way you both can decide to work on it or end it.

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        • #19
          I agree with what others have said.. Do your best to fix the issues. If that fails than get ready for what "could" be hell for a bit. However after 2 years of hell I am happy and doing very well.

          A couple things you should know.

          I'm guessing by your post you would like to be an equal parent to your children. If you move out before agreeing to a parenting plan you WILL almost certainly end up with a terrible access schedule. You WILL be paying crazy amounts of Child Support.

          Spousal support is always a possibility. Knowing your lenght of marriage and your ages as well as both your work and education history could help people here give some insight into what if any SS might be ordered or do.

          Children will adapt to the new situation and will probably be much happier.

          Use this form and read, read, read. There is so much valuable information on there to help you.

          TALK TO A LAWYER...just so you know exactly what the process is.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by stripes View Post
            When you have The Conversation with your wife, it might be wise to put a time frame on it. When I knew that the situation with my ex had become unbearable, I told him that my first priority was to save the marriage, and I would give it four more months - marriage counselling, individual therapy, everything I could come up with. Four months to the day, after the ex had missed counselling sessions and blown off all attempts to work on things as a couple, I told him I was done. In hindsight, I think he had given up on the marriage long before I had, and was just waiting for me to do the heavy lifting of actually ending it. Nonetheless, I'm glad I gave it the additional four months - I can look back and say I did everything I could and gave him a chance to do everything he could before pulling the plug on a 23-year relationship.

            You can't possibly imagine how hard it will be to go through a divorce. Some people just think about the freedom they expect they will have, and the release from conflict with their spouse, but things will get much much worse before they get better. Divorce is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was also the best choice I ever made. The alternative to the divorce would have been even worse.

            Do all your homework, understand what your rights and responsibilities are, ask lots of questions on this forum (including worst-case scenarios), seek consultations with more than one lawyer, and be as informed as possible before you even broach the topic with your ex. Ignore anyone who makes generalizations about gender like "women always make out better".

            Good for you for not seeking cowardly escapes from an unhappy marriage, like infidelity, substance abuse, or other behaviors. It would be a better world if everyone were like that.
            I think your post pretty much sums it up on my end. I just keep thinking being this unhappy all the time and the prospect of this continuing for another 10 to 20 years is defiantly going to have a nwgative affect on ones health negatively and probably contribute to an early death. Is that really worth it just to keep a bad marriage afloat for as long as possible?

            Its starting to also affect the kids as they are slowly getting older and noticing that things aren't quite right. As they get older they will become even more prescriptive and notice more. So the other thing floating around my mind is how is this affecting them psychologically? Am I teaching them that its completely normal and acceptable to be in a marriage in this state and will they just grow up to repeat the cycle as adults?

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            • #21
              Thanks. I will keep reading the info on here and work on it.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by DeadBeatDouchebagDad View Post
                You are in a shitty position. What I`m reading in your post is a lot of unhappy sex talk. You want to have great sex but your woman isn't providing it. You think she's hopeless in bed and want to cheat but would feel horribly guilty if you did. As a result you watch a lot of porn and fantasize about friends/coworkers.

                Here's your choices:

                1-Remain married to her and try to work things out
                2-Remain married and cheat on her
                3-Divorce

                Looks like you tried Option (1) and it's not working. Option (2) is the easy road for some people. My conscience couldn't handle keeping secrets from my partner. Option (3) is the great unknown. As others have said, financial problems, legal issues, children could suffer.

                Shitty choices...
                Not quite that bad. Though after what my nerves have gone through I think my wife turned me off women for a long time. I dream of solitude and fishing.

                Comment


                • #23
                  "When we had children my plan was that I don't want to screw them up..."
                  Got news for you -- You ARE going to screw up their lives one way or another, sooner or later. And you'll be screwing up your wife's life for a while too!
                  Have you tried marriage counselling?
                  "I want to divorce her because I am very unhappy being married to her. I also think she is unhappy being married to me. I am convinced we would be better and happier people if we weren't married to each other."
                  Have you talked to your wife about this? Well, of course she's going to be unhappy not knowing what has you depressed!
                  "How much more would one screw up ones children by just walking out versus dragging them through the experience of parents divorcing? I don't believe people change and things change. This marriage will not change and neither will my wife or I. This was what she was always like and i knew it and in my gut I had hesitation of getting married but I didn't listen to my gut"
                  Believe me, their lives WILL be screwed over big time. There is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Situations CAN change IF both people WORK to change them. Having a defeated attitude won't help bring about change. If you had doubts from before being married, then you NEVER should have married in the first place. Now you're planning on turning everyone's life upside-down...
                  You sound so much like my ex... (and that is not a good thing)
                  But to answer your question, my ex and I were already separated and divorced before I found this forum, so there was no lurking for me.

                  Comment

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