Having a hard time with this one....

[karmaseeker]

To those that haven't read my previous posts I am a step mom in a rather ugly battle to retain joint custody. My 2 step daughters are being fed all kinds of horrible misinformation. They are only 6 and 7. The kids are glued to me when they are here (literally). I understand they are insecure so I help them as best as I can to give them the extra attention they need and have explained to my own son that they are going through a hard time. Please don't be jealous. (he is 10) so I give him alone time when the girls have gone to bed. I am trying really hard to meet everyone's needs including my fiancee.

This weekend pick up the youngest said on the drive here "I wouldn't be sad if -{ ME }- was dead because then you would be with mommy"

1. I had nothing to do with their breakup. She had an affair and I wasn't on scene for over a year later.
2. she is telling the kids, I did repetitively which is hurting them and confusing them.
3. I understand all kids wishes their parents were together.


Knowing all of that... It still stings terribly. Yes, I know you might say suck it up they are kids and innocent and I hear you. I do.

But I am struggling with this one. It is really hard to hear that and hear the constant tantrums of the 7 year old to her dad" I hate it here, mommy is my real parent, Mommy loves me more than you".

This is so much more than I bargained for as a step mom. I love him and I want to help them all. But it is sooooo hard.

[dadtotheend]

Get some professional counselling to help you deal with it.

This place is insufficient, were a bunch or amateurs, and more to the point, we are so heavily influenced by our own nonsense so as to likely be more hurt than help.

[karmaseeker]

Thank you DTTE. We are starting counselling in two weeks... waiting on the appointment.

[billm]

...we are so heavily influenced by our own nonsense so as to likely be more hurt than help.

well, some of us anyway...

[blinkandimgone]

I wouldn't address the kids' comments specifically unless they were made in front of you. If they are made in front of you I'd simply use that as an opportunity to point out that such is untrue and remind them that you love them dearly. They're too young now to understand the reality of the situation but when they get older will know what's what and will remember how you handled things without trashing their mom, despite her descriptions of you.

[Gary M]

I was counselled by friends and professionals to respond simply that everyone involved loves them, nothing is their fault, and that everything is going to be OK.

It was the longest 2 years (++) of my life but everyone who supported me was right, and my kids came out the other end of that dark tunnel relatively undamaged.

People really do (usually) reap what they sow, and so combat the negativity with love and kindness and a refusal to engage and they (and you) will be fine.

It's likely the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. You have to swallow your pride and let somebody repeatedly kick you in the teeth for a lonnnnnng time - AND you have to smile while they're kicking you. You have to take the pain and give back salve. You have to be Ghandi and Mother Theresa and every other good person to ever have lived. But I promise you that it will work. Kids ain't dumb and they'll see what's true and what's not some day. And when the light comes on for them, they'll remember who caused them pain and who gave them what they NEED: love and stability and reassurance that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.

Trust me: I've lived it and I am SOOOOOOO glad that I did.

Cheers!

Gary

[karmaseeker]

Thanks everyone. I would hope that we can come out the other end undamaged but the damage is already taking effect. I am so worried that things are not going to move along swiftly enough to protect everyone from the hurt.

I do as you say and keep plugging at just being loving in the face of negative programing but it wears you down.

[dadtotheend]

I was counselled by friends and professionals to respond simply that everyone involved loves them, nothing is their fault, and that everything is going to be OK.

It was the longest 2 years (++) of my life but everyone who supported me was right, and my kids came out the other end of that dark tunnel relatively undamaged.

People really do (usually) reap what they sow, and so combat the negativity with love and kindness and a refusal to engage and they (and you) will be fine.

It's likely the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. You have to swallow your pride and let somebody repeatedly kick you in the teeth for a lonnnnnng time - AND you have to smile while they're kicking you. You have to take the pain and give back salve. You have to be Ghandi and Mother Theresa and every other good person to ever have lived. But I promise you that it will work. Kids ain't dumb and they'll see what's true and what's not some day. And when the light comes on for them, they'll remember who caused them pain and who gave them what they NEED: love and stability and reassurance that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.

Trust me: I've lived it and I am SOOOOOOO glad that I did.

Cheers!

Gary

Amen dude.