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  • The Lying- How do you deal with it?

    Okay- so I know this situation is NOT so special or unique. Exes lie like cheap rugs all. the. time.

    I'm not talking about different view points- or differing opinions. I mean flat out lies.

    During our 3rd co-parent counselling session yesterday my ex just bold faced lied.

    The first time is when we were discussing an anaphylactic reaction our daughter had that required an epi and hospital stay. In the ambulance- I called and left a voicemail for her dad and left a message at his mom's where he's living. I also texted. After meds were administered at the hospital- I returned a call his sister had made to me and she told me that Ex was at a work event and couldn't be reached until 9. Flat out lie. He wasn't at a work event- he was somewhere else. Where? I didn't know and I didn't really care. But I wanted to address the issue because while I get that his sister was probably just lying to protect her brother or she didn't know what she could or couldn't tell me- my concern is that they don't tell me full truths about what happens with D2 - either because they don't want to share information- or because..I don't know. There's been a handful of other minor situations that I've caught them doing this. I don't bother calling them out on it- but it really bothers me.

    anyways- he said that I never text him- and left the message after 6pm- he said he was writing an exam and wasn't allowed his phone.

    Okaaay. But I showed him the text from 4:30pm.

    He said he got confused.

    Another instance he said while he yelled at me often- and in the presence of D2..he never actually hit me. I calmly told him about the two times he put his hands on me- not hitting- but arm twisting once when I was pregnant...and another time body checking me away from D2 when she was an infant. He said the arm twisting was in response to me punching him in the face. Cue my head exploding. None of that happened.

    I got up and left. The counsellor came after me and talked me down and said I need to keep trying for our daughter's sake. I get that.

    But how? How do you deal with the outright lies?

    Are you guys tracking all the lies to use in court? Should I be doing this?

  • #2
    This is downright frustrating I know.... are there police reports with what went on? Did ex claim in the report that u punched him first? Make notes on everything with dates he states these lies. And then write down what happened and with facts. In case a trial is going to happen. I should take my own advice. I am bad at documenting... just my suggestion.

    Good for you for going back in. Letting him get to you lets him win...

    My ex does this with me... lies, makes up stuff and my blood boils... it really physically and emotionally affects me. I just have the lawyer respond to his stupidness now...

    He accused me of not providing him the kids yearly school registration which everyone has to “re enroll” them yearly he states. Lol. The Lawyer got a good laugh out of that.

    I know waste of money to write the letter but it encompassed many other things so he just clarified how silly and erroneous this statement is.


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    • #3
      At first I was blown away as well. It was Trump-level lying, factual events were being denied. It almost made me feel crazy, because I could not believe that she would lie like that, so it made me question my memory.


      Once our communication shifted entirely to email, I began to realize the extent of her mendaciousness. Sometimes I would point it out to her, but she would simply ignore the obvious contradictions that I had pointed out.


      Tracking the lies made me feel better, (and I still do so, because she still lies) but I'm not convinced that it would help in court. It only matters if she lies in a court document in a way that I can prove. I do not believe that her lies to me directly are in any way consequential.


      Essentially, I carry on my business with her in writing so she cannot backtrack. I assume anything she says to me verbally has no weight whatsoever. I expect her to lie, I expect her to break verbal agreements, and I expect her to misinterpret written agreements to her advantage. If we make a verbal agreement, I follow up in email, and if she ignores that email (which she often does) then I assume she intends to not honour that agreement.


      Summary: Some people lie, and do not feel guilty. You cannot change them, you can only change your reaction to them. Courts do not care about lies said in anything other than sworn statements.

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      • #4
        Yes Janus!! I am slowly learning this... my ex is lying in court papers... so I feel I have to gather my evidence to disprove. But I think you or Tayken have said before. He to shall have to prove what he is stating. And I don’t believe he can.


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        • #5
          My partners ex filled her motion papers with lies. Then his kid filed an affidavit full of lies. The judge BLASTED her for both. Told her it was a waste of the courts time and she should be ashamed. Judges are smarter than you think.

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          • #6
            I also track all the lies, but I feel like if we ever ended up at trial the judge would likely only care about provable things. I don’t think petty hearsay stuff will go far.
            I also use Readnotify, a tracking service, because he used to lie about me notifying him about things and now I have evidence that he has received and read emails.
            The lying used to bother me immensely and it was also shocking and unbelievable to me; however, I tell myself that without proof of the things he states, he would have a hard time convincing a judge it’s true.
            I also communicate exclusively through email and did so once the lying reached epic levels.


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            • #7
              Yes!! I have been looking for a service that can tell me when email is read... is this on the down low? Can it be used with any email?


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              • #8
                Also, if there is ever any kind of big event (like an altercation) my lawyer and I have an agreement that I email him an account of all the facts of the situation. He probably doesn’t read it and he doesn’t charge me, but it’s with him for documentation purposes. I have had to do this twice now when my ex accused me of things I did and said that were completely not true.


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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
                  Yes!! I have been looking for a service that can tell me when email is read... is this on the down low? Can it be used with any email?


                  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


                  It’s on the down low but since my ex is in law enforcement he figured it out and disabled some of the features somehow. I still use it though, and he knows it, so he can’t tell me he’s not receiving emails anymore.
                  There is a cost involved but it is worth it for me. I believe it can be used with any email.


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                  • #10
                    I have been searching for an app like this... thank you soooooo much!!!

                    This will help prove the gf is opening and responding to emails for the ex. I know it doesn’t really matter, but if We fo to court it would be brought up for sure If I can prove it.


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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
                      I have been searching for an app like this... thank you soooooo much!!!

                      This will help prove the gf is opening and responding to emails for the ex. I know it doesn’t really matter, but if We fo to court it would be brought up for sure If I can prove it.


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


                      Readnotify.com

                      Someone may be able to chime in with a better one, but I’ve liked this one so far.
                      Good luck!!


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                      • #12
                        Readnotify is trivial to work around if the target is aware.

                        Even if target is unaware, (I believe) gmail for example scans mail for such things and will either disable them automatically or ask the user for positive confirmation before taking action (such as downloading a one pixel image from a remote server).

                        More importantly, I'm not sure why it matters. Ex provides you with an email address that they check. It can be assumed that they check the email. If they don't that is on them. If you have not been provided with an email address, get one during a low-conflict period.

                        "Dear ex,

                        What is your preferred contact email address? Where should I send messages (for example during emergencies) where I can be sure you will be able to receive them and reply in a timely manner?

                        Thanks! You're the bestest ex-spouse ever.

                        Me


                        If you get a phone number, say that you are often in an area where you only have access to wifi and the signal is blocked, so alas you need an email address... for safety's sake.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Janus View Post
                          Even if target is unaware, (I believe) gmail for example scans mail for such things and will either disable them automatically or ask the user for positive confirmation before taking action (such as downloading a one pixel image from a remote server).
                          Gmail does indeed strip them.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                            Gmail does indeed strip them.


                            My ex uses gmail but I still do receive a notification when he opens and reads it. It has saved a lot of drama because when we were going through litigation a couple years ago his big stance was that I don’t notify him about things. This was written in affidavits and stated to conference judges. Now he can’t say that, and he knows it.
                            The location feature is disabled I noticed but that’s ok because I couldn’t care less to know his whereabouts at time of reading.
                            I still say it’s worth it depending on the hostility/lying in your situation.


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