Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > General Chat

General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-20-2020, 09:45 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,660
rockscan will become famous soon enoughrockscan will become famous soon enough
Default Mean, heartless or just plain gets it

General chat for a reason, posting for the hive mind...

My husband has two adult children from his first marriage. I am not fans of them. In my opinion they are spoiled assholes who need to get over themselves. I also try to remember that they are emotionally stunted due to their parents divorce but also believe their mothers garbage. I grew up without a father, support or emotional balance. These two have had a pretty charmed life for divorced kids and buy into their moms bs about being victims. The reasoning side of my brain says hurt kids, the other side says selfish jerks who need to grow up.

Anyway...my current issue...his youngest is 21 and has been a super bitch to him for the last seven years. The base of her anger is that he was mean to mom and stole her money. She has told him repeatedly she doesnt want a relationship with him and he tries to respect it but really doesnt. I try very hard (VERY HARD) to be considerate but he really pisses me off with what I call chasing ghosts. He hasnt been in her life for 12 years and she has chosen to be a jerk to him. He has been through therapy and gets it but really his head and his heart operate separately. He knows they are abusing him, he is so desperate for any connection he will take the abuse.

He found out today that she had emergency surgery for a very minor, common, simple surgery and no one told him. Even his other kid told him that as an adult, kid gets to decide. He blew up at me when I pointed it out to him as well and questioned why he was so angry. His answer was that its his right as a father. Nope try again. Because she is his kid. Nope try again. No good answer and when I pointed out that it was all about making them make HIM feel better he told me Im not a parent so I dont get to comment. He knows that statement hurts and I was willing to say ok you are hurting but he just would not let it go about how she is his child etc. He is blowing it way out of proportion and sacrificing our relationship as a result.

So am I being cruel? Will parents understand this? I dont get why he keeps chasing after two people who are old enough to know better but take pleasure in hurting him. One kid even lied in an affidavit about him! He just keeps trying to force them to have a relationship with him!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-20-2020, 10:08 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 296
LovingDad1234 is on a distinguished road
Default

I don't think what you said it cruel at all. I do feel for your husband as I feel my heart operates in the same way. Try and try again, as he never wants to be seen as throwing in the towel, even though the kids did on him due to his ex's brainwashing of them. At 21, the child can tattoo a swear word across her face and there is nothing your husband can do about it.

Maybe him providing space to the kids is the best answer? Live to the best ability he can, and perhaps in time they will outgrow their attitudes and recognize they have a father who wants a relationship with them and life is fragile. There are many kids out there who didn't have a father in their lives and wish they did.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-21-2020, 01:31 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,651
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

you are not being cruel. His adult child can decide if she wants to tell him or not. He has no rights to the information even if he is the father. She is of legal age.

The comment he made to you about you not being a parent wasnt called for but he was hurting. If he wants to vent to you then he has to expect you to have a comment.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-22-2020, 12:28 PM
shellshocked22 shellshocked22 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 319
shellshocked22 is on a distinguished road
Default

For what it's worth, I agree with your analysis - the kids are spoiled, ungrateful/brainwashed (take your pick) but abusive towards him as their father. I would cut the little (select your fave expletive) loose !


There's a saying to the effect of people will treat you as badly as you allow them to - he should stop allowing it. I think you should also give serious consideration to formally disinheriting them and make it official AND advise them accordingly. Maybe in the future when they realize their bad behaviour has cost them a lot of money they may regret it and put the blame where it belongs on the mother. Also, I think him permitting the kids to treat him so poorly is a bad example - if they can crap on him with no consequences, why not anyone else ?


Perhaps he might consider a "Big Brothers" arrangement where he could help and guide a youngster with no father who would actually APPRECIATE the effort. It's sad but his own kids, at this point anyway, are a lost cause....
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-22-2020, 01:49 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,660
rockscan will become famous soon enoughrockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by shellshocked22 View Post
For what it's worth, I agree with your analysis - the kids are spoiled, ungrateful/brainwashed (take your pick) but abusive towards him as their father. I would cut the little (select your fave expletive) loose !


There's a saying to the effect of people will treat you as badly as you allow them to - he should stop allowing it. I think you should also give serious consideration to formally disinheriting them and make it official AND advise them accordingly. Maybe in the future when they realize their bad behaviour has cost them a lot of money they may regret it and put the blame where it belongs on the mother. Also, I think him permitting the kids to treat him so poorly is a bad example - if they can crap on him with no consequences, why not anyone else ?


Perhaps he might consider a "Big Brothers" arrangement where he could help and guide a youngster with no father who would actually APPRECIATE the effort. It's sad but his own kids, at this point anyway, are a lost cause....

You are spot on and he has already followed a lot of this.

We ended up discussing this last night as I have repeated to him over the years that I dont like being treated poorly when they hurt him. He knows they hurt him, he knows they abuse him, he knows they are not good people. He forgets when their health or safety is in jeopardy. I did point out that what happened was not serious and he over reacted. He agreed and apologized for his hurtful comment. He also acknowledged he should not have gone behind my back to try to make plans without my knowledge.

His kids are really awful people. No matter what he does they come after him. Tell him to leave them aloneget mad at him for not speaking to them. Send them messagesget mad at him for not respecting their feelings. I am constantly shocked at what they say and do and have tried myself to reason with them over things. Due to their mothers influence they will continue to hold onto anger towards him. He thought by paying a lump sum for their education they would see he wasnt a bad guy but nope, they want to angry that they didnt get to dictate the number.

We had changed our wills when we got married and they have been written out of his. Its terrible but I dont care. As I told him I am sick and tired of watching them constantly hurt him and would rather make a large donation to a charity of his choice than give them anything. You dont get to treat someone poorly then come with your hand out.

We will see how things go though. Hopefully he has learned this time that there is no getting through to them. He thought age would change them but clearly its going to take a lot of life experience to knock them down a few (thousand) pegs.

Thanks for the support friends!!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-23-2020, 04:12 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 890
iona6656 is on a distinguished road
Default

I don't think you're being intentionally mean or heartless...chances are that he already knows everything you're saying. And you pointing it out just feels like you're not "on his side" or "supporting him"....

my best friend (call her Jane) is going through some shit right now- separated from her husband (now a trans woman in an interesting twist!) - and wants to lay the blame of EVERYTHING at the ex's feet. She's had it out with another one of our friends (call her Alice) because that friend said she thought they should split custody and access 50/50. Like- it put a serious dent in their friendship of 25 years. Now- do I think Alice was right? Yup. Do I think Jane lacks immense self awareness (she's also been in therapy for years)? Yup. Will I say this to her? Nope. Jane is smart- she knows how we feel. She asked me it one time (about the custody situation with the kids)- and I answered honestly- an answer she did not like. She has not asked again. And I have learned not to offer any opinions that don't support her. When she vents about how her ex doesn't help enough with the kids- I do not say anything except "sorry you're having a shitty day". It just serves no purpose.

When someone is intent on something that doesn't serve them in the long run- I guess it's just their decision to make. Now- that being said- it DOES affect your life and your relationship with your husband. So I think you're right to say something....have you guys thought about couples counselling?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-23-2020, 04:24 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,660
rockscan will become famous soon enoughrockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

Couples counseling is a no go as that was beaten to death in his first marriage.

We have been talking through the issue this week and today he said I am guilty of falling into their trap and I am committed to doing better. The problem is that he has so much on his plate right nowout of work, sick parent, family issues, stuck at home and some joint issuesthat he ends up picking one thing to focus on and that was it for that day.

He is so weird about his kids. Im not a parent yes but they have been assholes to him since before we met. This kid even called him bipolar when she was 9! He falls into that trap that a lot of alienated parents do where they accept abusive behaviour because at least it is a connection.

If anything I would have him go back to therapy (wont force him though, thats a non starter from his previous marriage) to rejig his thinking. I have a feeling the kids will disappear again and we can get back to our regular programming.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Truisms Exposed: Justice Pazaratz in Plain English Tayken Divorce & Family Law 16 02-27-2020 09:59 PM
Just plain wrong! Duped Divorce & Family Law 1 06-23-2006 06:42 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:14 PM.