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  • Shared Custody Question

    I need some help desperately....

    I haven't split from my spouse yet. Things have been shaky for almost a year, and I need some advice. We've had the talk about seperating, but both of us are reuctant to do this because of our kids. We have 2 kids which are both under the age of 8.

    My husband insists that if we split that we do a shared custoday arrangement. 1/2 time with him and 1/2 with me. The issues are this:
    • He has a job where his hours are inconsistent,and he can be away for several days at a time, then home for several days.
    • He makes about 4 times what I do
    • He wants to stay in the family home (and I think he MAY be able to afford that)
    First off the typical 7 days on/7 days off won't work for us because of his job.
    I have a job where I do about 2 12 hour shifts a week, work from home the other 3 days, and home every weekend. I do travel on occassion also.

    First off would the judge give him custody because he is staying in the family home? (I would have to move and if the kids were with me, they'd have to switch schools) Would he agree (the judge) to let me take them back and forth to their old school if I did have to move?

    I just started a new job (like a few months ago), because I needed something that paid better...anticipating a possible marriage breakdown....would this affect me getting custody?

    As you can see, I am extremely concerned about my kids. I would rather have joint custody and him have access around his schedule (which I would totally give him without issue), but I think he will go for the jugular on this. He'd be more concerned with himself than whats best for the kids (which is partially why our marriage is in disrepair)

    Any advice you can provide me with, would be so helpful.

  • #2
    Given the age of your kids, it would be best to not move them out of their current home. However, if the home is too much for either of you to afford on your own, then perhaps you should simply sell it and split what you get for it. Then, find yourself a home you can afford in the kids' school district, so that they not forced to be uprooted from their school as well.

    Your starting a new job won't look poorly on you if you explain the reasons behind it. And seeing as your reasons are to be able to provide better for your kids, then I do not foresee a problem.

    Have you discussed any of this with a lawyer? If you anticipate your husband being irrational and difficult, I would try to retain a lawyer. But, if you think you can come up with a fair schedule that would work for the both of you, then by all means give it a try. At least you will show any judge who takes your case that you are TRYING to be reasonable and to do what's best for the kids.

    Hang in there. Most importantly, document EVERYTHING! Forget verbal agreements or discussions... make sure you have everything in writing. You will need hard proof in the family court. Word of mouth does not go very far.

    Good luck to you, and I'm sure you'll find a lot of advice and support here. Oh, and welcome! :-)

    Comment


    • #3
      Welcome to the forum, tlmom.

      First, at the moment, I wouldn't worry too much about what a judge would say -- except that, if you move out of the family home before you come to an agreement with your ex on the issues with respect to your children, you'll be essentially giving him sole custody of your children, and that may have a negative impact on your custodial standing in the future. So I would strongly urge you not to move out until you have an agreement with him.

      If he really does "go for the jugular" and force the issue of custody to a court, the judge would decide the matter based on the best interests of the children. The judge would take into account which parent has been the primary caregiver until now, the means and skills each parent has, the current arrangements and the preference of keeping them the same.

      But if you and he agree in writing to have joint custody and guardianship of your children, a judge would be unlikely to overturn that agreement whether you live in the family home or not. In my case, I have joint custody and guardianship, even though I don't live in the family home and don't live particularly close to my child's school and neighbourhood.

      With respect to the access issues -- in your case, you'll have to get creative and try to agree on a schedule that accommodates everyone's needs. The access schedule, however, will impact child support.

      If you're sharing time with the children more or less equally, you would be entitled to child support from him. The amount would probably be the table amount of Federal Child Support based on his income, minus your income. So, if he makes $100,000/year and you make $25,000, he would owe you just over $1,000/month in child support. However, if his time with the children is less than 40%, he would owe you $1,444/month; if your time with the children is less than 40%, you would owe him $394/month. (Yes, that's right -- if you have your children less than 40% of the time, you would owe him child support, regardless of his income).

      He would also probably owe you spousal support for a period of time, and (if you own the home), he would probably have to pay you your portion of the home, since it is an asset of the marriage. So, if you have to move, the child and spousal support may enable to you rent or buy a place near to the children's school and neighbourhood.

      So, in short:
      • don't move out. That will weaken your custodial position.
      • focus on getting an agreement. Aim for joint custody, joint guardianship. If you're content with splitting access time, come up with an creative and flexible parenting time plan that accommodates both your schedules. Include child support, spousal support, and an apportionment of the marital assets (the house) in the agreement. You have a right to all of this.
      • If you come to an agreement, have a lawyer draft up something you can both sign and notarize. Get legal advice on what you're signing before you sign it.
      • make sure your access time with the children doesn't drop below 40%. You would have to pay him child support.

      Comment


      • #4
        "tlmom" has the right idea.
        Nothing should be held against you should this make it to court. I'd seek to be as agreeable as possible outside of court as this is where the money get chewed up "very" quickly and some times unnecessarily.

        If you share custody more or less 50/50 or more then the cut off of 40/60, then the courts determine full table amounts for each parent individually, then minus the two and the balance goes to the lower income earner to "equalize" the standard of living for the children from one home to the other. If we use "tlmom’s" numbers, $100,000 VS $25,000, that’s $1404 for him and $375 for you, or $1404 minus 375 = $1029 to you to equalize standards of living between the homes.

        And of course all extra ordinary expenses will be paid relative to income, or for every dollar you pay he'll pay 4 towards these expenses, like dental, medical or extra curricular activities.

        The courts prefer to NOT move the children from any status quo situation unless it can be demonstrated that a change would be in the best interests of the children, or to stay in the home would be a detriment to them.

        Comment

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