Extra Curricular's/Underemployment/Offset CS, etc

[Berner_Faith]

Hey hey .. I'm the only one that gets to talk about my penis around here. (you had fun with the "lack thereof" comment .. that's okay .. it was funny).

Berner you have your beliefs and I have mine.

Somebody has to pay that stuff or D5 wouldn't be able to have the same experiences as the other kids.

If I don't pay....my ex still wouldn't pay and D5 would have no field trips, school stuff, clothing that fits, etc. I think that's the part you don't get. I'm not enabling her not to pay. She wouldn't even if I didn't. Boy I hope you understand now. lol I'm not at fault no matter how much you try to spin this. Just like Im not at fault for wishing happy mothers day and making a card for D5 to give her mom. Geez

By the way...I like how you say "I CHOOSE to pay everything".. Hell no...I'm forced to because she won't. Now who's playing with words. lol

You guys are super entertaining lately. I tried to end the thread by the way .. you addicted to my threads or something? lol .. Have a super long weekend.

You are at fault... none of these things are necessities, they are wants. If you don't pay then yes your daughter doesn't get to participate, which sucks so you make the decision to pay. You can't force mom to pay for wants but if you can't afford the activities or have to work 6 jobs to do so then yes you are at fault. Not every kid gets to participate in milk day, pizza day, ballet or sparks... some kids don't do anything because their parents simply can't afford it. If you choose (like we do) to pay the full amount so you daughter can participate great, but mom is under no obligation to contribute, especially since it appears you are the one who placed your daughter in these activities.

Trust me, I get what you're saying, your daughter wouldn't participate if you didn't pay, I GET that, my point is if you choose to pay the full amount so your daughter can participate it is partly your fault because mom has no obligation or reason TO pay.

You have an awesome weekend as well!


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[arabian]

I'll put this in my situation and then you can understand what the "gist" of what Berner is saying to you:

My son can't budget for anything. He will spend all of his money and then good old mom will bail him out and give him money. His continued lack of financial responsibility is my fault simply because I am an enabler. He knows I will bail him out. This is the same as your ex not paying for anything because she knows you will pay for everything. Same sort of thing. We're both enablers!!!!

I think that is what she is trying to tell you...

You didn't establish financial sharing of expenses when you established 50/50 parenting. So yes, this is your fault. Nothing personal, rather it is simply a fact.

[Janus]

Yea .. I'd rather her not do without milk on milk days...pizza on pizza days..field trips, etc. So of course I pay everything.

What would happen to your daughter if she didn't have milk on milk days?

clothes that fit...

What would happen to your daughter if she wore clothing that was too small?

Would you let your child attend school with clothes 3 sizes too small and ripped? Its my fault I don't want her made fun of and buy the clothes? Geez .. My god. You just don't stop do you Berner?

Isn't your kid in kindergarten? Some kids there are still peeing in their pants. Improper sizing probably doesn't register. I don't think D5 approached you saying she was being made fun of, I think you are projecting your fears onto her.

In case you are wondering, other parent in my case regularly sends kids with crappy clothing to school. I don't buy new clothes and give to other parent, that would just be silly. Also, crappy is subjective.

I agree with Berner. The time to break this cycle is now, while your kid is still young. Much harder to send a kid to school in crappy clothing when she is 12 years old .

I'm being told it's my fault for paying...about things that NEED to be paid.

Writing a word in all caps does not make it accurate.

[LovingFather32]

What would happen to your daughter if she didn't have milk on milk days?

She would be upset because she loves milk and the rest of her class gets it. Why do you ask?

What would happen to your daughter if she wore clothing that was too small?

She would get made fun of like she did once .. came home crying. So we provided clothing that fit. Makes sense..I think? Was I wrong to do that?

Isn't your kid in kindergarten? Some kids there are still peeing in their pants.

Umm .. nope.

I don't think D5 approached you saying she was being made fun of,

Actually ... thats exactly what happened. Im not scared of anything. I was fine with her wearing smaller, ripped clothing. She a kindergartner for god sakes. What would you do if your child was made fun of and came home crying for wearing clothes that looked like she was waiting for a flood? Allow it to continue? Hope not Janus. I chose not to because I want her to have a positive school experience.

Writing a word in all caps does not make it accurate.

You're an extremely intelligent poster. I think you're cognizant that it's to add emphasis.

Am I really being antagonized because I buy things for my daughter? I'm not asking my ex for anything .. not even approaching the matter with her.

[LovingFather32]

You didn't establish financial sharing of expenses when you established 50/50 parenting. So yes, this is your fault. Nothing personal, rather it is simply a fact.

I already admitted the only thing that was my fault was not getting this taken care of in the order. Scroll up a few posts. That was was my fault...you're correct.

But I refuse to accept thats its my fault that I help my daughter out financially. If I didnt nobody would. It's insane that I'm catching some kind of flack for this here. I really cant believe the shit that I'm reading. I'm not being sensitive or high conflict at all....not contacting ex .. don't care. These responses are cray cray. Geez, I post on Trintons thread and I'm now satan.

Again .. my g/f is reading this going.....WTF? Better and more shocking than tv. Can you guys really not find anything better to dump on me for than saying Happy Mothers Day and supporting my daughter financially? Thought that's what good parents are supposed to do. What am I missing here?

And if it's for a reaction please know that my g/f and I are cuddling and laughing at this over a mojito. :-) The trolling is not upsetting us. lol ... Arabian ...what the hell? lol .. .I'm supporting my daughter financially....most parents would commend me....then theres odf?

Mr. T...where are you?

[Soiled]

Your misundersranding, or it's gotten twisted throughout the multiple pages. By stating it's your fault, their meaning as I read it, is that it's your fault your Ex won't contribute financially, and won't ever have an incentive to do so in the future. Yes, it could be read other ways with the examples presented, but just go with that, it's simpler.

So long as you get that your Ex will likely never start contributing financially, barring some miraculous change in attitude, then continue paying for that stuff. She's content to leech from the government, likely more than happy to leech from you.

I usually wind up paying for hot lunches and such like that for all my kids as well, unless I really want to have to spend a few days arguing with my ex and shaming her into it.

[Beachnana]

LF. I don't think anyone is saying your wrong to want the best for your daughter and also thinking it would be reasonable to expect your ex, her Mother, to want the same. But, Arabian was bang on you are enabler. Your ex is not part of your wonderful relationship with Mother and daughter she is using you because it suits her.

I doubt there are many here who would say they are 100% happy with their agreement. Everyone likely has missed something or realised they should have put something into the agreement which further down the road would make life easier.

I am sure that if my grandson attends University ('and of course, like your D5, he is brilliant so no doubt!)ex will not drop a penny towards it unless Mom goes after him. Should've, could've or would've put this in if we thought of it or was not so happy to get an agreement we accepted what was there and ran!

So I think the advice to take from this is

1. It's not going to happen,as your ex is a grinder and
2. You have contributed to this situation by always doing the best and making it happen for your daughter and
3. You did not get it on the agreement and god forbid you opened that can of worms.. Finally,
3. Your daughter is going to learn fairly quickly how to use Daddy and Mommy against each other and get what no intact child would ever get to wrangle.

It's part of the whole mess of broken relationships and no simple solution just bandaids.

We have started a university fund for our grandchild so his Mom will never need to ask, demand or plead for financial support when he is university bound. No doubt Engineer or Medical School. Hopefully a lawyer because they make lots of money off the broken dreams of the majority of our population.

Apply for financial help with girl guides. They do not ask question on your finances. You just have to ask. Every little helps right. And I agree every child should get their milk and shame on a teacher,that does not give a child whose parents either forget, could not afford or did not care enough to make sure they were provided for.

You might want to set up a fund at your school for every other child who did get milk money for whatever reason!

[arabian]

LF32 I'm not dumping on you... rather I'm commiserating with you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to see one's child have every opportunity and happiness. If you decide to go it alone financially then that is a decision that may come back to haunt you when you look at some really expensive activities in the future. One thing comes to mind - little girls love horses. What may start our as simple riding lessons can end up in purchasing a horse, boarding a horse, paying for shows, etc. I'm sure it is the same with other sports. You just have to know your limit. If you have an activity that you hope your daughter will pursue in the future you should perhaps start the dialogue with the ex someday soon. Who knows, it might serve as a wake-up call to her that her current income source isn't going to cut it in the future.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there are those really expensive summer camps....LOL. Oh how I remember those days. I loved the camp weeks in the summer as it was the best time to purge son's bedroom, plus it gave my then-husband and I time to do things sans kid (golf, renovations, etc.). I personally think that every kid should have the experience of going to camp.

[LovingFather32]

But, Arabian was bang on you are enabler.

As mentioned, I tried not paying for stuff .. ex didn't step up and it affected D5 .. so I kept paying. How am I enabling if she won't pay even if I don't? Please explain that to me. I look forward to it.

You might want to set up a fund at your school for every other child who did get milk money for whatever reason!

I have no issue payign the milk. It's principle. My thread was aimed at whether or not I should even ask ex to contribute something. The end result has been that it's my fault I pay.. hence some frustration.

If you decide to go it alone financially then that is a decision that may come back to haunt you when you look at some really expensive activities in the future.

Bahh .. if ex dies tomorrow I'd have to anyways right? I'm over that. What I seem to be struggling with is being told it's my fault and that I'm an enabler .. even though I had a trial period of not paying and ex didn't step up ... which cancels that entire theory of being an enabler.

You just have to know your limit.

We do Arabain ... which is why D5's not in swimming, soccer or anything else. We do what we can. Was just asking if I should communicate to ex that parents each contribute financially for their kids. But it became my fault somehow in the end for paying for struff. Gotta love being me in these forums. lol

So long as you get that your Ex will likely never start contributing financially, barring some miraculous change in attitude, then continue paying for that stuff. She's content to leech from the government, likely more than happy to leech from you.

Yea, I reached that conclusion also. But I didn't enable her as some like to assume. I stopped paying for a period and ex didn't step up...it wasn't in D5's best interest for nobody to step up...so I did...again. Sucks to have all fingers pointed at me is all...I'm an enabler...my fault..etc. Piss off really, you know? lol I find it a bit ridiculous.

[arabian]

Ridiculous!!!!
I merely pointed out that if you don't get after your ex to pay something soon then you are enabling her to NOT pay you any time in the future.

Lets use a different word (enabler seems to rub you the wrong way) - GFBEDCPPCRD - Generous to a Fault and Believing that Ex will some day Develop a Coincidence and Pay her fair Portion in Costs of Raising Daughter?

Better?

[LovingFather32]

Ridiculous!!!!
I merely pointed out that if you don't get after your ex to pay something soon then you are enabling her to NOT pay you any time in the future.

Lets use a different word (enabler seems to rub you the wrong way) - GFBEDCPPCRD - Generous to a Fault and Believing that Ex will some day Develop a Coincidence and Pay her fair Portion in Costs of Raising Daughter?

Better?

I'm not singling you out Arabian. I seem to be getting it from all angles, albeit recent posts seem to be much more understanding.

"Generous to a fault" .. I get that part except I stopped being generous and she still refused to pay. So not sure where or why the word "fault" comes in within this scenario. I really don't get that part ... perhaps Im tired. stopped friggen paying a while back for a bit to send a message ... I stopped being generous.

I suppose you're right....the words "enabler" and "fault" do rub me wrong. If I had been paying everything the entire time and didn't experiment to see if she'd pull some weight I'd totally agree with you.

Let's DWGNHAIFCAFFHS

Dad Who Gets No Help And Is Fine Contributing All Financial For His Daughter ...

But one thing I'm not doing is enabling her....she's doing it herself. She should take some responsibility for not paying...I'm not the reason by being generous to a fault .. wish the cyber world saw that though.

[rockscan]

LF32, stop posting these questions. You're only going to get this push back. You are not going to anything from your ex so let it go. Budget, use coupons, look for subsidies and ask family to pay for stuff instead of presents. There are plenty of intact families who cant afford stuff. My one sibling and her hubby bring in 150 combined. Their two kids get one big activity a year and thats it. They camp once a summer. Any extras are provided by family. I used to pay for swimming, clothes and other stuff they needed to help. Kids are expensive.

The bottom line is the ship of your ex contributing sailed. You can only hope she finds a new man who will tell her to get a job.

[arabian]

I'm not singling you out Arabian. I seem to be getting it from all angles, albeit recent posts seem to be much more understanding.

"Generous to a fault" .. I get that part except I stopped being generous and she still refused to pay. So not sure where or why the word "fault" comes in within this scenario. I really don't get that part ... perhaps Im tired. stopped friggen paying a while back for a bit to send a message ... I stopped being generous.

I suppose you're right....the words "enabler" and "fault" do rub me wrong. If I had been paying everything the entire time and didn't experiment to see if she'd pull some weight I'd totally agree with you.

Let's DWGNHAIFCAFFHS

Dad Who Gets No Help And Is Fine Contributing All Financial For His Daughter ...

But one thing I'm not doing is enabling her....she's doing it herself. She should take some responsibility for not paying...I'm not the reason by being generous to a fault .. wish the cyber world saw that though.

Care to expand on how you "experimented" ? (I take this to mean you gave her hints?)

[LovingFather32]

Care to expand on how you "experimented" ? (I take this to mean you gave her hints?)

Yea .. I simply didn't buy clothes or pay for anything school related for a while to try and get the message across. I was hoping it would serve as a catalyst for my ex to say "hey .. you're not paying for this? for that anymore?",..then we could have a conversation.I literally kept the clothing I was buying here and sent D5 home in the clothing her mom had. Totally backfired as she just didn't care and let her go without. Trust me .. I thought the reason she wasn't paying was because I was...so I stopped.

The day it really hit me was when D5 came home upset and crying because she was being made fun of at school by a few in her class and some older kids because her pants and shirt were way too small. It was at that point that I realized I couldn't let it go anymore. It's scary to see what might be happening if she had sole and I was EOW.

[LovingFather32]

LF32, stop posting these questions. You're only going to get this push back. You are not going to anything from your ex so let it go. Budget, use coupons, look for subsidies and ask family to pay for stuff instead of presents. There are plenty of intact families who cant afford stuff. My one sibling and her hubby bring in 150 combined. Their two kids get one big activity a year and thats it. They camp once a summer. Any extras are provided by family. I used to pay for swimming, clothes and other stuff they needed to help. Kids are expensive.

The bottom line is the ship of your ex contributing sailed. You can only hope she finds a new man who will tell her to get a job.

Yea, I've come to terms with that. I think this convo ended the first or second page of my thread when I agreed I just pay and leave it. The subsequent 4-5 pages slamming that it must be somehow my fault surprised the hell out of me.

Then again..I got slammed for saying happy mothers day, being told kids shouldn't make cards for other parents on special days...that I was creepy for treating my g/f well...now this. It's a freaking jungle in here lately. But entertaining nonetheless lol

I guess it just kind of surprises me to be called things like an enabler, or it's my fault .. or that I'm generous to a fault. I just don't think she deserves that kind of out here. She's not payign because she doesn't want to....I'm not the friggen reason. When I stopped paying...she still didn't.

It also irks me that I've seen many mothers come on here discussing about how dad refuses to pay a penny for anything....and dad is a piece of shit deadbeat and mom is hero. When a father comes on .. it's his fault? I suppose I took issue with that also.