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  • #16
    Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
    I get this- it's a balance of trying to show you're not gatekeeping- and you're welcoming, etc etc, bullshit bullshit bullshit. You're in the OCL process too, right? You want to make sure you're not viewed as shutting dad out.

    What is looking like I gate keep? Honest question... I really am trying to include him and no matter what I do it gets twisted. I have always fought to include him and have him be more involved.



    But in reality- you're still over-functioning. If you're scanning shit to him? that's over-functioning. I was doing it too (let's be real- I'm still doing it)....you need to stop. Let him get the information.
    I was ordered to give him written consents to all professionals. He has all their contacts and phone numbers. He had most of them prior to the order he just lied and said he didn’t. So doesn’t that make it so he can’t contact these people himself?





    My lawyer gave me some advice- "kill them with kindness when you speak to them...but don't help them". Unless helping him helps the kids- don't do it. If it doesn't help your kids- you don't need to do it.


    Yes ocl is well under way... she had observed both families with the kids but only spoken to kids at dads house so far which I found odd.

    Our current agreement says I am to inform him of school progress and special events. (Yes dumb wording) and that’s all it says. So I send him report cards and calendar link. And anything else teacher tells me.


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    • #17
      I disagree with you and Iona on this one. Scanning a document is not over-functioning... good luck co-parenting.

      You know your ex continues to use this excuse on you. He got an order for your authorization for communication with all professionals. He has an agrerment that you will provide all school info to him.

      Continuing to sit back and say he can access it himself is only giving further credit to his claim. You say you're sending him everything so you should be ok, but every once in a while you hint that you didn't actually provide the info, he just didn't put it together himself.

      Stop giving him what he needs to fight you. Be extra helpful and send him everything related to school. He won't have a case. Once court is over, go back to sending links and I'm sure it'll be fine.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
        I disagree with you and Iona on this one. Scanning a document is not over-functioning... good luck co-parenting.



        You know your ex continues to use this excuse on you. He got an order for your authorization for communication with all professionals. He has an agrerment that you will provide all school info to him.



        Continuing to sit back and say he can access it himself is only giving further credit to his claim. You say you're sending him everything so you should be ok, but every once in a while you hint that you didn't actually provide the info, he just didn't put it together himself.



        Stop giving him what he needs to fight you. Be extra helpful and send him everything related to school. He won't have a case. Once court is over, go back to sending links and I'm sure it'll be fine.


        Thanks for the advice. I agree ... I really do send him everything I can. I never made an appointment for parent teacher interviews. They weren’t needed. So there wasn’t anything to tell him other than send the report cards.

        I even invited him for a pre school tour as the kids started a new school this year. And he ignored.

        But I see your point. Thanks.


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        • #19
          Theres a huge difference between giving info and denying info. My partner had to actually scan the section of his agreement and provide it to groups and the school and then they went and asked the ex for permission to give it to him. You have given the school your blessing to provide info if he calls and asks. If he tries to play the “I get no info” card, you have covered your ass enough.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
            I disagree with you and Iona on this one. Scanning a document is not over-functioning... good luck co-parenting.

            You know your ex continues to use this excuse on you. He got an order for your authorization for communication with all professionals. He has an agrerment that you will provide all school info to him.

            Continuing to sit back and say he can access it himself is only giving further credit to his claim. You say you're sending him everything so you should be ok, but every once in a while you hint that you didn't actually provide the info, he just didn't put it together himself.

            Stop giving him what he needs to fight you. Be extra helpful and send him everything related to school. He won't have a case. Once court is over, go back to sending links and I'm sure it'll be fine.
            It depends on what the document is...if it's something Dad can get because he's authorized to speak to the school administrators- then it is. Report cards are different. Progress reports are different.

            I agree that if Dad asks- give it to him. But in terms of reminders, etc...it's too much. Dad wants her to engage with him.

            And if the OCL is involved it's because they recognize it's likely a high conflict relationship between the parents. If she continues to engage it could backfire because it looks like she CAN communicate with no problem...

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            • #21
              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
              I agree that if Dad asks- give it to him. But in terms of reminders, etc...it's too much.
              I agree. If Dad asks for something trivial and you say "get it yourself" instead of just taking a picture and sending it, that's being difficult.

              However, Mom has no obligation to provide reminders, morally or legally. Dad is not a child.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                It depends on what the document is...if it's something Dad can get because he's authorized to speak to the school administrators- then it is. [over-functioning]
                Except that they have an agreement that she would send all the school into herself, as part of her sole custody duties. It's trivial but continuously being used against her. Take the emotions out of it and just send everything. Not only is it what they agreed to, but it totally debunks his case.

                I agree that if Dad asks- give it to him. But in terms of reminders, etc...it's too much. Dad wants her to engage with him.
                I agree and it's totally bs... but it's being used against her with custody at stake. You don't have to remind or anything, just send the info as it comes.

                And if the OCL is involved it's because they recognize it's likely a high conflict relationship between the parents. If she continues to engage it could backfire because it looks like she CAN communicate with no problem...
                If your goal is to show that you can't communicate even though you can, then you may not want to. Although it may backfire even worse for you for not following the agreement. Decisions, decisions...

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                  Except that they have an agreement that she would send all the school into herself, as part of her sole custody duties. It's trivial but continuously being used against her. Take the emotions out of it and just send everything. Not only is it what they agreed to, but it totally debunks his case.







                  I agree and it's totally bs... but it's being used against her with custody at stake. You don't have to remind or anything, just send the info as it comes.







                  If your goal is to show that you can't communicate even though you can, then you may not want to. Although it may backfire even worse for you for not following the agreement. Decisions, decisions...


                  I mean I sent the progress reports... I sent the school pics order form... I sent the communication book. He met the teachers the first day of school...

                  I send him all appointments and times.... what more can I do??


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                  • #24
                    All communication between the school and the parents, regardless if initiated by the school or a parent, should be copied to both parents. This alleviates 90% of any issues around this entire topic.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                      All communication between the school and the parents, regardless if initiated by the school or a parent, should be copied to both parents. This alleviates 90% of any issues around this entire topic.


                      My kids school won’t do this. I have asked. The teacher calls me if there is an issue. She doesn’t have the time to make the same phone call to dad. That’s when I send an email if it’s important information.


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                      • #26
                        1- then ask the teacher to communicate via email rather than a phone call and copy you both. If the teacher has time to call, they have time to email and it takes no extra time to relay the same info to both of you.
                        2- if the teacher feels it's important enough to contact you about, then it's equally important to contact dad about, don't decide for dad what is and isn't important to him or filter out what you feel isn't important information. Let dad decide for himself.

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                        • #27
                          Blink... if I could get the teachers to email that would save me a world of stress. They refuse to email. Especially when they know there is court action going on. They also refuse to speak to the ocl.

                          I am stuck in the middle. If they call me and I try to tell dad it gets twisted and he tells me to get the teacher to call him instead of me relating the message. Or he doesn’t believe what I am relaying. Emails from teacher would solve all our issues. I just can’t make them. She calls me for 5 mins at the end of her day. And that’s it.


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                          • #28
                            So guessing by your oldest childs age, he must be in grade 5/6 and Dad has 2 sons in the school system? So Dad hasnt figured out the school system communication yet?? And you have been separated for 5 years??? Parents usually have this figured out in JK. Can he not pick up the phone and ask to speak with the teacher or better yet set up an appointment? Why are you the messenger when he can get it straight from the source?

                            No offence, by your enabling him, he needs to figure this out before they hit high school and he has even less communication. You will always be the Mother of his children, but you don't need to be his Nanny as well.

                            If I had to email my ex every time the school phones, which is almost daily, I would lose my mind!

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
                              I mean I sent the progress reports... I sent the school pics order form... I sent the communication book. He met the teachers the first day of school...

                              I send him all appointments and times.... what more can I do??
                              Sounds like you are fulfilling your agreement and there should be no issues.

                              But you made this thread, so your ex must be complaining about not being informed. Normally you shouldn't have to do so much but you agreed to it and he's using it against you. It also doesn't sound like you're fulfilling your agreement with comments like:

                              And the meet the teacher date was on the report cards.
                              Guess he missed the part on the report cards where it says the teachers names.
                              And that I need to spoon feed him all this info. I spoon fed him before and it all went ignored. Now I stop enabling him and it will be used against me.
                              She doesn’t have the time to make the same phone call to dad. That’s when I send an email if it’s important information.
                              I can’t be writing emails every day as to every little occurrence.

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                                Sounds like you are fulfilling your agreement and there should be no issues.



                                But you made this thread, so your ex must be complaining about not being informed. Normally you shouldn't have to do so much but you agreed to it and he's using it against you. It also doesn't sound like you're fulfilling your agreement with comments like:



                                And the meet the teacher date was on the report cards.

                                Guess he missed the part on the report cards where it says the teachers names.

                                And that I need to spoon feed him all this info. I spoon fed him before and it all went ignored. Now I stop enabling him and it will be used against me.

                                She doesn’t have the time to make the same phone call to dad. That’s when I send an email if it’s important information.

                                I can’t be writing emails every day as to every little occurrence.


                                Wow you sound like youngdad.
                                THERE WAS NO MEET THE TEACHER MEETING... just a date.

                                I came here for information. Not to be criticized. I get that enough from my ex.

                                I made the thread because dad is trying to twist that I don’t inform yet I can print every email where I have informed what he is asking.

                                When you used to get a long with your ex and stand and chat at the door and talked about the kids with no issues and there never a complaint from him for the first 3.5 yrs of divorce Then you go to being accused of being a complete monster, yes one tends to question if they have given enough info in an email so it’s not used against them. Right and before he got his partner that’s right he didn’t use email as he didn’t know how. Now all of a sudden he emails like a scholar and refuses to text or speak in person ( Because partner has no control over that).


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