Shared Custody Arrangement

[BluePat]

Hi all,

My ex and I are tentatively agreeing to share custody of our son on the following basis:

I would get him Friday PM (afternoon) until Monday AM (morning), at which time he returns to his mother (school).

Questions:

This would constitute at least 40% custody (on my part) provided that this arrangement is over the course of a full year, correct? Thus no Section 3 would be required or expected from me.

What would be the best way to get this in writing (draw up a draft, and have it signed by both of us, and notatized) or do I need to get something more official from the courts?

Any and all info or opinions welcome.

Thanks

[DowntroddenDad]

Your custody arrangement and/or a larger separation agreement needs to go through the process. You can draft it yourself, but you would be well advised to engage a lawyer to review to get "Independant Legal Advise" and the certificate that comes with that.

As for Section 3, I presume you mean child support? Are your incomes comparable between you and your ex?

[Janus]

I would get him Friday PM (afternoon) until Monday AM (morning), at which time he returns to his mother (school).

This sounds like an agreement that is begging to get overturned "in the best interests of the children".

6 months from now, the mother will say that she wants to spend some weekends with her children. She will get 1 out of the 4 weekends. This gives her 16+3 = 19 days out of each 28 day cycle, leaving you with 9 days, or 32%.

At that point you start paying full table CS, and are destroyed financially.

What would be the best way to get this in writing (draw up a draft, and have it signed by both of us, and notatized) or do I need to get something more official from the courts?

Note that absolutely nothing you write can stop the mother from getting one weekend a month. This agreement is going to destroy you. Move close to the mother, and get a true shared parenting arrangement.

[BluePat]

Move close to the mother, and get a true shared parenting arrangement.

Not sure what this would do as opposed to what she is currently offering...

How does my physical location (home) have any bearing on any custody arrangements agreed to by both parents?

Or do I not understand what a true shared parenting arrangement is?..

[dinkyface]

Assuming mom decides she DOES want some weekends, then you will have to take some weekdays in exchange, to keep your 40%. That means you will have to live close enough to do more commutes to the school.

If you did M/T with mom, W/T with dad, and alternate F/S/S (a true 50-50 schedule) then you would be making 5 commutes each week.

Also as your kid gets older and has more social circle, then it will be important for you to be closer to her school friends.

[involveddad75]

I agree with everything everyone has said already but add, why Monday morning and not Monday after school, if the child is sick on Monday morning are you not going to stay home and keep them. Then Monday should be in your care.
Also if it is a long weekend shouldn't you access continue till the Tuesday after school.

Again I think everyone is right that once the mother is told she can get a weekend, she will ask for it.

How old is your child? How far away do you live from each other?

[Rioe]

How does my physical location (home) have any bearing on any custody arrangements agreed to by both parents?

Or do I not understand what a true shared parenting arrangement is?..

A true shared parenting arrangement has both parents equally involved in all aspects of the child's life. Both parents look after school issues, weekend time, activities, friendships, etc. To do this well, they should both live in the same area and school zone, so both can easily get the child to and from school, and friends' homes, etc.

One popular shared parenting arrangement is alternating weeks, so the child is with one parent for seven days, and then the other for seven days. Another is called 2-2-3, which has the child with one parent on Mon-Tues, the other on Wed-Thurs, and the weekends alternate. Each of them has advantages and disadvantages.

What you are proposing has your ex doing all the school stuff, and you doing all the fun weekend time. Not a fair split at all. Your ex would be unable to ever take the child anywhere for a weekend, and you would be completely uninvolved in the child's education. No matter how you both feel about it now, it's likely not going to be tenable over the long term. And your ex would probably have an easier time getting some weekends than you would have getting some weekday time.

[BluePat]

How old is your child? How far away do you live from each other?

He is now 12, and we are reasonably close (12 kms one way) but still a car ride...

[Rioe]

If this arrangement works for them, can they sign a legal document that the weekday parent cannot never file a motion to get 1 weekend a month? Like no matter what their work schedule looks like, this agreement is permanent, unless there is abuse, negligence or something unusual happened.

Such an agreement wouldn't stand up in court. What if the child and the weekday parent wanted to take weekend trips some day? What if the child didn't want to go to the other parent for weekends anymore because he had things to do with his friends? Why should the weekend parent be able to ask for weekday time but the weekday parent always be restricted? It's a very unfair thing to agree to, so it is not likely to be upheld in court.

Best Interests of the Child and all that.

[Janus]

How does my physical location (home) have any bearing on any custody arrangements agreed to by both parents?

To have shared custody, you have to share weekdays. That is only possible if you live within reasonable proximity to the school. Since your child is 12 (almost old enough to decide for herself), if you live 12km away, the child will likely eventually choose to live with the mother since commuting sucks.

Anyhow, as already said, your agreement won't last. The mother will ask for 1 weekend out of 4, and the only possible reason you could refuse is because of the financial havoc it would inflict upon you, but that is not a valid reason to refuse. It will be the shortest trial in history, you would have absolutely no leg to stand on to refuse that weekend.

When you calculate the percentage, assume that eventually the weekends will be split evenly. Look up the table child support, and see if you can afford to pay it and see your kids at the same time. Hint: The answer is probably no, table CS is devastating unless you remarry.

Oh, and if you think the mother will be "nice" about this or something, remember that if she gets that weekend she basically gets to grab tens of thousands of dollars in tax free cash from you. She isn't going to pass that up. You may get along now, but it won't be peaches for the next 8 years, things will happen.

As a sidenote, why can't the kids go to school in your school district? Is she a better parent than you? If it is only 12km away, then you should move and take responsibility for the school days. Fun happens on the weekends, life happens on the weekdays.

[stripes]

I agree with the others, an agreement in which one parent has all the weekends and the other parent has no weekends (and all the weekdays) is destined to fail. The other parent is going to want (and probably deserves) some weekend leisure time having fun with the child, and it's important for you to be involved with the day-to-day school and other activities as well. You can't be a weekends-only father and call it shared custody, no matter what the hours work out to be.