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  • Bad Marriage PTSD

    Since it wasn't my weekend with my D this past week, I spent most of the weekend wrapping presents.

    So I put on the Christmas music and was drinking eggnog and trying to enjoy myself but as I'm doing it, I kept having memories/flashbacks of all the crappy Christmases with my ex. This time of year was always a nightmare. He HATED Christmas.

    His "logic" was that he never got anything for Christmas. He came from poor family...lots of kids and the only thing he ever got was things like "socks." (He used to say this repeatedly every year). I never understood what his cruddy experience had to do with our children. In fact, you'd think someone that had a bad experience would want to have a lovely one with their own kids but my ex was very self-focused.

    I, on the other hand, used to love Christmas as a kid. We always made lists for Santa, got a lot of things under the tree and had a big family dinner with grandparents. As a kid, I remember feeling that Christmas was a magical time. I wanted to repeat this experience for my own children.

    As such...I admit, I always buy a lot at Christmas. I always stay within a budget that I save up through the year because I buy a lot of things they need anyway....coats, clothing, shoes, etc. I like to save those things for Christmas so there's more boxes under the tree. Its way more fun to unwrap a scarf than it is to just go buy one at the mall.

    It used to drive my ex nuts. He'd leave me articles about "mass consumerism" and just complain and bitch constantly. He'd tell me that I was teaching bad values to our children. I never asked him to purchase anything (I had no problem using my own working income), to go shop, to wrap anything, to cook or clean anything, etc. I'd do it all myself and stay up late helping the kids leave cookies for santa, stuffing the stockings, and leaving talcum powder boot-prints on the wood floor.

    The last years of our marriage, Christmas was literally a nightmare. I barely held it together...it was just a miserable, awful time of year for me. I hated it even though I'd try so hard to make it nice for the kids.

    Anyway (sorry for the long story) but does anyone else have problems with almost PTSD-type symptoms at certain times? I'm planning to really have a lovely Christmas with my girls and partner's family this year and its a bummer to be having bad memories and feelings about the past. Almost all of this stuff went away when I moved out so its surprising that I'm still dealing with some of this aftermath. Just wondering what other's have experienced.

  • #2
    My X absolutely hated Christmas too.... still does, from what I hear.

    Every time I think about how miserable he was at Christmas, I am actually filled with wonderful, warm feelings.....

    because I am no longer living with that year-round misery.... AND I AM THE HAPPiEST PERSON I KNOW!!

    May your Christmas be filled with NEW Christmas memories.
    Last edited by Qrious; 12-17-2013, 02:14 PM. Reason: weird italics thing happened

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    • #3
      I love celebrating Christmas without going in debt to buy each other things we don't need.

      I was just thinking about how my EX REFUSED to pump gas, she would literally order me to leave the house after work to go fill up gas in the car (that she drives). It was so ridiculous.

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      • #4
        My ex hated shopping of all forms, so it fell on me to get the stuff, which to be honest I didn't mind too much. She did the decorating. It worked for us.

        I was welcomed over the first Christmas, came for lunch, then took the kids to my brother's place for dinner. Last year when we tried the same thing, she had a breakdown and my son almost stayed home.

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        • #5
          My STBX saw the holidays as a good time to get drunk. Christmas was usually a nightmare for me as I 'tried' to hold things together for our son, family and guests. He was usually very depressed as winter meant the beginning of unemplyment (seasonal worker) and the thought of the extra expenses made him panic.

          The last Christmas that he spend with us he was violent and broke down the bathroom door. I had locked myself inside to try to regain my composure.

          I try my best to think only of the nice times I had when I was a kid although to be honest - I tend to avoid the malls after Halloween as I can't stand the bells and fa-la-la-la-la's and the massive mind-games that TV and other media try to impose on us.

          Give to the poor (the rest of the year, who care's) kind of mentality really turns me off. Same thing with Valentine's Day, it's geared to make us feel guilty enough to crack out the credit cards.

          I plan on spending a quiet day with my son, sister and my elderly neighbors who have 7 adult children who never visit them. Doesn't take much to have a nice meal - just a little planning.

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          • #6
            Aside from having to wait until the last minute to find out if ex will be taking the kids for the time our order specifies over the holiday and seeing what this does to my kids... Everything is so much better post separation.

            My relationship is solid enough with the kids that I do not need to spend a specified day on the calendar with them. We will enjoy every day together that we have. I am thrilled that I do not have to physically share the holidays or otherwise with my ex. It is all good.

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            • #7
              because I am no longer living with that year-round misery.... AND I AM THE HAPPiEST PERSON I KNOW!!
              That's usually my mindset.

              And I truly am glad to be able to make new Christmas traditions with my children and new partner. We are fortunate because the blended family we're making is really working well and we're creative about figuring ways to manage the Christmas juggle of one of my kids travelling back and forth to both parents houses, coupled with trying to get to the U.S. to visit my partner's kids and family. I'm not sure why I've been experiencing a little melancholy in the past couple days. Maybe I just need to load the eggnog a bit more...lol.

              I was just thinking about how my EX REFUSED to pump gas, she would literally order me to leave the house after work to go fill up gas in the car (that she drives). It was so ridiculous.
              If there's one thing I truly dislike...its high maintenance women who can't take care of their own stuff. I'm exactly the opposite...I do everything myself. This is what your problem is Links...didn't anyone tell you to avoid this type? Believe me, not all women are like that.

              He was usually very depressed as winter meant the beginning of unemplyment (seasonal worker) and the thought of the extra expenses made him panic.
              We had money. I swear that my ex just hated the idea of someone having something he didn't get...even if it was our kids. He used to constantly whine about what he felt he should have been given in life. Believe me, I never asked him for a gift. I can't even remember the last time he gave me a birthday or Christmas present aside from one year when he bought me an "unwrapped" strawberry huller as a criticism of the gadgets I had in my kitchen (I cook a lot, I have gadgets). He handed it to me and told me that it was the one thing he didn't see in my kitchen drawers. That was pretty much all he did during the holidays (and all other seasons)...use it as an opportunity to criticize everything I did.

              I plan on spending a quiet day with my son, sister and my elderly neighbors who have 7 adult children who never visit them. Doesn't take much to have a nice meal - just a little planning.
              Lovely way to spend the day.

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              • #8
                Christmas? What's that?

                I used to cook for my ex's 25 relatives (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays). I did it willingly as it gave me an excuse to stay in the kitchen and not have to deal with his 'folk. I love to cook so it made sense.

                Our son is the one that has suffered the most from our divorce. Since the day I filed for divorce his family would have absolutely nothing to do with our son. So my son not only lost the father but the large extended family that went along with it.

                This Christmas my son and I will be alone. I will cook dinner for the 2 of us and we will watch some movies. Just like any other Saturday night.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  Christmas? What's that?

                  I used to cook for my ex's 25 relatives (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays). I did it willingly as it gave me an excuse to stay in the kitchen and not have to deal with his 'folk. I love to cook so it made sense.

                  Our son is the one that has suffered the most from our divorce. Since the day I filed for divorce his family would have absolutely nothing to do with our son. So my son not only lost the father but the large extended family that went along with it.

                  This Christmas my son and I will be alone. I will cook dinner for the 2 of us and we will watch some movies. Just like any other Saturday night.
                  I've had the same obnoxious treatment from my in-laws. My son is an only child and an only grand-child. I find it very ignorant on their part to hurt my son's feelings by not inviting him. The Ex and me are the ones getting the divorce not our son. It could be that the old in-laws are unable to accept the split -up or rather they are in denial/ashamed about their son's violent nature which caused the mess ... who knows.

                  I would rather have a spaghetti dinner with good people than a 5 star feast with idiots!

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                  • #10
                    I agree wholeheartedly with you Janibel. I think people should treat each other with respect throughout the whole year, not just at Christmas and other holidays. Sometimes Christmas brings out the worst in people.

                    My ex was one of those 'on the way home from work I'll get the wife a gift' sort of guy. I accepted that. I like to think that my ex and I together made Christmas memorable for our son while we were together.

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                    • #11
                      He gave you gifts? what a novel idea! mine never bothered - rather he 'allowed' me to purchase extra groceries so I could cook a big diner to feed HIS his huge family's gob! ... I am soooo glad those days are gone!

                      I think the best part of divorcing has to be this: My bullshit meter is back to healthy levels nowadays. I don't have to pretend or fake anything anymore. That is a fine gift - priceless!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by arabian View Post
                        Christmas? What's that?

                        I used to cook for my ex's 25 relatives (Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays). I did it willingly as it gave me an excuse to stay in the kitchen and not have to deal with his 'folk. I love to cook so it made sense.

                        Our son is the one that has suffered the most from our divorce. Since the day I filed for divorce his family would have absolutely nothing to do with our son. So my son not only lost the father but the large extended family that went along with it.

                        This Christmas my son and I will be alone. I will cook dinner for the 2 of us and we will watch some movies. Just like any other Saturday night.
                        Oh no, no, no! We can't have this, Arabian. Christmas should NEVER be just like any other (Saturday) night!

                        Would you consider travelling to Ontario? I'm not as far away as you might think..... It saddens me that your Christmas would be like any other day.

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                        • #13
                          He gave you gifts?
                          Yep...21 year relationship and I got a strawberry huller about 15 years in.

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                          • #14
                            Thanks Qrious. It's not really that dreary, rather peaceful. My biggest adjustment has been to not do the big cooking production. I used to start my preparations anywhere up to a month in advance. I was married to a Ukrainian so pyrogies, cabbage rolls, nalysnyky etc. was the norm. I had 2 refrigerators and deep freezes crammed full come Christmas. Adjusting to not cooking has been surprisingly difficult. Through the years my identity got somehow wrapped up with this. If you would have told me this 30 yrs ago I would have laughed my head off and said "not a chance."

                            I am a voracious reader and can be quite content with books. I really do love the peace and quiet. However, I am sure I'm pretty boring to my son so I will have to think of something to do that isn't centred around food prep.

                            Gifts and Christmas. I could go on and on. I think I received the most tacky gift from my sister-in-law one year. We drew names as ex's family was large. My sister-in-law phoned my ex to find out what I wanted for Christmas. Ex told her I liked earrings. Come Christmas day I opened my present from her. Yep, I got the earrings. Problem is, they were used. Notable 'ear gunk' still on the back of the earrings. Had I known then what I know now I would have bailed out of my marriage at that time as she is a big driving force behind my ex taking me to court all the time. She also has helped him hide assets.

                            So lesson to all of you out there - if you get dirty, used earrings for Christmas get out of the relationship FAST.

                            LOL Merry Ho Ho etc.

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                            • #15
                              Not related to Christmas but it's funny none the less and goes to how a bad relationship can shape a person.

                              I've been dating a great lady for 2 months now and I find myself oddly apologizing and being stressed about things that most normal people find as normal behavior.

                              For example I am on call for work every 4 weeks. I get calls at all manner of times including 4 am. One of the first nights I was seeing her we were eating dinner together and I got called for work. I apologized and told her how sorry I was and she could tell that I was obviously stressed about it. I can tell you I was very stressed about it because if it had been my ex she would have lost her mind yelling at me how I'm ruining her evening and everything else is more important than her. After I had finished working she asked why I was so stressed about it she basically told me you're on call what else are you supposed to do. It has been yet another of many examples of how my life was hell with my ex.

                              Since that night there have been many things I have done that she later questioned me about. It's amazing how much my ex was able to mould my behavior to suit her needs and expectations. The thing that really pisses me off is I'm only realizing it now. It's almost like having to learn "normal" social behavior over again. Luckily we were able to actually discuss all of this she has been able to reassure me that things happen and it's nothing to stress over, which is refreshing. Although it makes me angry I waited so long to get out of a completely dysfunctional relationship.

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