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  • Where do I stand in this custody situation?

    Recently separated, but living in same house until a custody agreement can be reached.

    I want 50/50 of our two young kids (both under 4) and have provided a variety of options (week on/week off, 2-2-5-5, etc.) but she won't entertain any of it. Best she'll "offer" at this point is one overnight every two weeks, with visitation through the week (max of 6 hours total each week).

    I am their father and want to be involved in their lives for the long term. She insists I want to avoid child support, which is so far from the truth it's incredible.

    Context: We both work and have good jobs; have roughly equal salary; own the house; and there are no major issues (alcoholism, abuse, etc.)

    She wanted out and now wants the kids.

    This is early days for us, but we both have retained lawyers.

    Any feedback from those who have been through this frustrating situation?

    I am just not sure how the legal system works and want to get some sort of unbiased opinions on where I stand and my chances of being a father to my kids and not some visitor.

    Anybody?

  • #2
    Your chances are good so long as you play it smart/right.

    Document all of your offers to her that provide for equal parenting time. 1 overnight every other weekend and 6 hours during weekdays is worse than the every-other-weekend-daddy-screwjob that any convict could get.

    Journal ALL OF YOUR TIME WITH THE KIDS. If you feed them, get them ready for daycare, put them to bed, cook dinner, take them out...etc...Have a detailed journal of all of your involvement with the kids.

    Don't leave the house. Focus all of your attention on the kids. If she tries to cause drama, remove yourself from the area stating you don't want to discuss this now. Wear a digital voice recorder at all times in your STBX's presense or in the house. Keep it running 100% of the time, it is less effective if there are holes in the recording.

    The recorder is unlikely to be beneficial when it comes to parenting, but it will be your best defence against a false DV charge.

    But stay kid focused. Take parenting courses. Take a cooking course. Take the St. John's Ambulance childrens first aid course. Do things to become a better parent.

    If you are smart, and never engage your ex in any nuttiness, your chances for 50/50 are good.

    Her reasoning that you are just trying to avoid c/s has as much logic as she is doing solely for the purposes of receiving c/s. You want to be an active and involved parent to your children and have frequent and meaningful contact with them, because that is what is in the kids best interests.

    A few simple suggestions:

    1. don't negotiate verbally with her in the house. If you are going to negotiate, go to mediation etc. Only send offers that allow you to have a paper trail, ie....email

    2. don't stick your dick in crazy....I know you are divorcing, but sometimes strange things happen. You don't want to put yourself out there and possibly do something you'll regret.

    3. unless it is something that directly relates to the immediate parenting of the kids, only communicate via email.

    Hell, instead of rewriting this...just follow THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum

    Comment


    • #3
      Contantly reiterate you are EQUAL parents and just because of divorce that will not change.

      Do not listen to a word she says or her lawyer says. Instead, take what they say and find factual evidence against that point.

      Know what you want (50/50 equal parenting, shared residency) and do not mediate away from that. What you decide now will affect the rest of your children's lives. Stick to you guns on this, let the petty stuff slide.

      Follow THE LIST and post questions on here to assist and review with your lawyer as needed.

      Your chances are only as good as the case you build against the case and accusations she throws at you.

      Comment


      • #4
        My ex and I separated when our child was 3 1/2. We went to 50/50 immediately and there were never any issues. Our child adjusted almost instantly. We took much longer!

        Our child seeing each of us equally sent a strong message that we (the adults) were leaving each other, not our child. Our child is now 7 and really knows no difference as they have always spent a week at each of their homes.

        Listen to the advice you have been given. Document, record, and do not leave the home, or let her leave with the children, until 50/50 is agreed upon. 50/50 parenting is what your children are entitled to the second she decided to leave.

        Comment


        • #5
          duplicate post
          Last edited by Janus; 12-06-2012, 06:52 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by levelplayingfield View Post
            Recently separated, but living in same house until a custody agreement can be reached.

            I want 50/50 of our two young kids (both under 4) and have provided a variety of options (week on/week off, 2-2-5-5, etc.) but she won't entertain any of it. Best she'll "offer" at this point is one overnight every two weeks, with visitation through the week (max of 6 hours total each week).
            Everything Hammerdad said. Assuming that you do parenting things (bathing, cooking, etc.) the only easy way for you to lose shared parenting is a false DV charge. Keep that recorder on, no matter what. Remove yourself from any fight if possible, do not engage verbally in any way. If she wants to discuss things, tell her to email you or your lawyer.

            If you don't do parenting things, start now. Split up the week temporarily, and cook meals on your days. Give the kids baths on your days. Bring the kids to a doctor for a checkup. Start a journal. Bring the kids to see your family. Read them books (well, you should be doing that anyway). Arrange playdates. Keep that journal updated.

            Did I mention that you should start a journal of all the activities you do with your children?

            I am their father and want to be involved in their lives for the long term. She insists I want to avoid child support, which is so far from the truth it's incredible.
            Well, she wants the child support from you, so from her perspective it makes sense that you want the same thing.

            Any feedback from those who have been through this frustrating situation?
            Keep your cool. Your situation is very good at the moment. Do not move out of the house. Do not let the kids move out of the house. I was threatened in a similar way in the opening days, and offered pretty much the same thing. Once the ex realized that I was not going to budge on shared parenting without a court case, I got the shared parenting.

            I am just not sure how the legal system works and want to get some sort of unbiased opinions on where I stand and my chances of being a father to my kids and not some visitor.
            Your chances are very good. You just have to make it through the next few months without getting hit with a DV charge or having the kids move out of the house. The latter is an emergency. If she takes the kids out of the house and doesn't bring them back, you should be filing papers within the week, if not sooner. Be very careful if she asks to bring the kids to sleep over at her parent's house. In our case, I matched any sleepover that she did. If she brought the kids to sleep somewhere for the night, I did the same, generally within the week. Otherwise, no verbal fights, and be super duper sweet to your ex in person.

            Be polite, be careful, be firm. Your kids will have you as a father.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks for the input/advice/feedback.

              Always open to hearing more views.

              Stubborn is an understatement for her. Zero compromise.

              Comment


              • #8
                Starting taking your kids on trips out of the house - visit friends, playdates, skiing, hiking, shopping etc. Try to swing a weekend trip (easier in summer though when camping with other families is an option). That might help break in the idea that you will be doing stuff with them (without her) ... and that they will be back and all is still good. And get her used to the empty house.

                'Nice' might not always be possible - but respectful, firm and business like should be your fallback ALWAYS.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Being a visitor in your children's life...

                  Keep in mind no matter how this goes, even if you end up with less than 50/50 you will only be a visitor if you look at it that way.

                  The amount of time is not as important as the quality of the time you spend with your children.*

                  For example parent A might have the children %70 of the time, but never takes the time to sit down and play with their children. Or rarely does.

                  Parent 2 has the children 30% of the time but ensures most of that time is focused on the child.

                  Which do you think the child would benefit from or remember most?

                  I truly hope that this situation goes well for you and that 50/50 works out.

                  However, do not lose sight that you will always be their parent and regardless of how much time you end up having with them, if you make the most of every moment they will *love you, respect you, *remember it and value it forever.*

                  Some parents give up and forget those facts. Then they assume and then act accordingly that they are just a 'visitor'.

                  Best of luck.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I was going to post stuff, but the others have beaten me too it. Instead...I have these words of advice...until the ink is dry on your final order it is fuzzy pink bunnies and glitter farting unicorns. Keep that in mind.

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                    • #11
                      ya gotta know that it's all about money - whoever gets the kids gets the majority of child support = money

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                      • #12
                        You already have received a bunch of good responses. Only thing I will reiterate is what HammerDad mentioned...and that is to document all your offers to her of proposed schedules/parenting plans...In writing...email...registered letter...etc.

                        If you have lawyer now make sure they know all your past offers thus far.

                        If she persists and sticks to her unreasonable plan...she will look exactly that when court happens. She will look the more unreasonable parent. And your lawyer should fight for costs if you offered reasonable plans from the start...which is why documenting it is important.

                        And keep reading these forums. :-)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Put your best efforts into securing the 50/50 now, through maximizing time spent with your kids , and get the ball rolling with your lawyer. If you aren't successful now, it is a long, expensive uphill battle to get to 50/50 later. By what you have described and by following previous suggestions, you would appear to have a very strong case for 50/50. As suggested, protect yourself and never lose your cool.

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                          • #14
                            Also, when I mentioned not engaging her, that means do absolutely nothing that could be deemed hostile. If she wants to take the kids out of the house, don't hide her keys and don't block the door. State that you don't agree with what she is doing and send a follow up email to her. But don't do anything that may make you look controlling/abusive.

                            Talk/email to her like you were talking/emailing a judge/your boss/your priest. You don't have to be nice, as was mentioned, you do have to be business like. This is a transaction, one with a lot of emotional baggage, but just a transaction. Keep your emotions in check.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by arabian View Post
                              ya gotta know that it's all about money - whoever gets the kids gets the majority of child support = money
                              I don't think it's about the money at all for him.

                              I think I may be for her - especially because she mentioned it.

                              But really, CS should cover the cost of raising the kids, and having them full time and receiving CS I don't think is a financial benefit.

                              I have my kids half the time and pay offset CS. I would be better off financially if I never had them, paid full CS, and focused on making money.

                              Comment

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