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  • The no-show parent...??

    I'm sure many of you have dealt with this to varying degrees...

    The schedule is ex has Wed and Thurs 6-9 and eow (friday 5pm - sunday 5pm) as his time with the boys. That was the schedule we came up with when he moved out - actually, he wanted "the boys can call when they want to see me" and I nixed that idea and wanted a regular routine. During talks with lawyers we decided to keep same schedule - although I added that no makeup times were to be given for missed time (his true colours were already showing with his cancelling evenings)

    So we're six months in since it was filed with the court and he has now missed all of his Thursdays and about half of his Wednesdays. He's supposed to give me notice - which he doesn't. Just texts the boys that he's busy...has a meeting...is out for dinner and can't make it...is going to a concert...has a date...going on vacation...etc etc.

    Why bother with an agreement if you're not going to stick to it? And what can I do? Is it worth going back (we're still dealing with lawyers on other issues) and saying the schedule is now EOW only plus a weeknight if requested and I can accommodate?? It really makes it hard to plan and schedule our own things.

    I've asked the boys what they want to do about it. The eldest doesn't care. He's annoyed by dad but just goes with the flow. The youngest is definitely bothered but won't tell dad how his cancelling on them makes him feel. But he's afraid of telling dad not to come during the week because he enjoys their time when he does show up. (he's typical npd - very charming with the boys, real life of the party - when he remembers he has kids he's good with them)

    What to do?

  • #2
    You can't force someone to exercise their time. What don't you just talk to him about moving to every other weekend rather than taking it to court?

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    • #3
      I tried that at the beginning of January. DS was interested in an activity on Thursday nights and asked his dad to take him. His response was "not worth my time to drive you back and forth to a class" - he hadn't seen him on any Thursday in four months. So I emailed that we could just drop Thursdays as "his time" and I would be responsible to take DS to his class etc. or any other activity that he wants to do on a Thursday night.

      What followed was two weeks worth of rantings (emails, texts, phone messages) that I was going against the court agreement and interfering with his relationship blah blah... Meanwhile DS missed out on the class (it filled up) and stbx has yet to show up to spend time with him on Thursdays.

      Not a reasonable person. Co-parenting is not an option with him.

      I would really prefer to keep it out of court completely. Just a thought since we need to go over another issue...?

      I'm wondering if this is something I should also (or maybe only) be addressing with the family therapist. The boys have really adjusted well but this constant disappointment and inability to confront?? If I can do anything to just put a stop to it ...any advice if you have experienced the right way and wrong way to deal with it??

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      • #4
        Your boys will probably grow up with issues without a male role model... Its considered important for kids to have the same sex parent around.... Probably best to get a new one for them if you can

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        • #5
          The kids are roughly 15 and 18 now...? They basically get to decide and can coordinate with dad on their own. If they feel he's likely to be a no show they can make their own plans and if dad gets upset they are also old enough to express that they made plans because he's typically not there. He's more likely to actually hear it coming from them than you.

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          • #6
            So sorry to hear this. How sad for your children and for you.

            I would send an email to the children's therapist advising of your concerns. Continue to track access refusals. Consult with a child psychologist about how best you can support your children's emotional health through this situation.

            "What followed was two weeks worth of rantings (emails, texts, phone messages) that I was going against the court agreement and interfering with his relationship blah blah..."

            Ignore the noise and continue to advocate for your children. Don't let the rant stop you from raising the topic if it continues to be a concern.

            IMO he is going against the court agreement by not exercising his access.

            Just my 2 cents

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            • #7
              A couple of years ago you were having the same issues with him showing up for his weekends with them, this is an ongoing pattern with him. Have you been documenting all his no shows? If so, perhaps emailing him a list of the no shows in the last two years might actually help him realize how often he dismisses time with his kids as unimportant. Maybe not. But it could.

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              • #8
                Really not much you can do. They are teenagers now, they can speak for themselves. Stop engaging with dad over it. You don't have to find a sitter for them so it really should have little effect on your plans, they are old enough to make themselves dinner or whatever if you have plans. If they want to play sports, sign them up. They can talk to dad about it, you don't need to be their communicator anymore

                Sent from my SM-T560NU using Tapatalk

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                  Your boys will probably grow up with issues without a male role model... Its considered important for kids to have the same sex parent around.... Probably best to get a new one for them if you can
                  They do have some great role models. One in particular, stbx's best friend (we've known him for 25 years). Their friendship is pretty much over but he's really been there for the boys. Our kids are the same ages, we've been very close as families over the years and he and his wife helped to hold me together when everything exploded two years ago. I've talked to both of them about this issue and they're both dumbfounded that stbx has just swtiched off as a parent.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by odinn View Post
                    I would send an email to the children's therapist advising of your concerns. Continue to track access refusals. Consult with a child psychologist about how best you can support your children's emotional health through this situation.
                    This is my biggest concern. I can see the damage happening and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I will bring it up with the therapist and see if we can all come up with a way to help DS. He's 14 - and still needs a dad.
                    I had a long chat with my eldest last night. He's off to university in september so will soon be well out of most of this. In his own words this is how he sees him now "he's no longer my dad. He's a guy that I visit in Toronto on weekends when I don't have any other plans. He's fun to hang out with but that's all we are now. Where you (mom) live is my home. You're the parent and when I come home from school I'll go where you are - no matter where that is." (I may be moving again next summer)

                    Originally posted by odinn View Post
                    IMO he is going against the court agreement by not exercising his access.
                    Of course he is - but the court can't force anyone to parent so....

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
                      Really not much you can do. They are teenagers now, they can speak for themselves. Stop engaging with dad over it. You don't have to find a sitter for them so it really should have little effect on your plans, they are old enough to make themselves dinner or whatever if you have plans. If they want to play sports, sign them up. They can talk to dad about it, you don't need to be their communicator anymore

                      Sent from my SM-T560NU using Tapatalk
                      I really don't communicate with stbx at all. The email to him in January was to tell him that since he wasn't able (or willing) to bring Ds to his class that I would sign him up and take responsibility of getting him there and back. I was trying to stick to the court order and not taking over his time without giving him a chance to do it himself. (in hindsight, I should have just done it and not given him notice).
                      His no-shows don't make a difference to my plans, sitter etc. But that doesn't mean they don't disrupt our time. If I knew that weeknights were no longer on the schedule for him then we can just go about our week without worrying about getting back to the house by 6 (Ds always races back after hanging out with friends), making sure dinner is ready to go, signing up DS for afterschool activities etc. It's better to just have eow with dad than the ongoing will he show or won't he?? twice a week.

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                      • #12
                        Your kids will make the decisions for themselves. Your ex is a jerk and that wont change.

                        Your youngest is old enough now to tell his dad himself he doesnt want to see him. If he wants to sign up for a class on his dads nights then do it and let him tell his dad hes not available.

                        As he gets older and has his own interests he will start to do his own thing without his dad. Stay out of it and let them make the decision. You still encourage them to see him but this way if they want to do something its not a case of you interfering.

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                        • #13
                          IF the kids want to do an activity on that night, are you open to kids seeing dad on another night? With there age it is hard to say hey dad can't see you tonight not his day and like others have said they are old enough to start managing and sharing with both parents their plans. Just set some expectations with them on how you want to be kept informed.

                          Be hard for Dad to prove in court that you are taking over his time when he always cancelling it and if he can't be bothered to see kids, I would not worry about him taking the time to bring it to court.

                          Good luck.

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                          • #14
                            As a father fighting for MORE time with my kids I can't believe someone would choose to act this way with his kids...

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by blueman2017 View Post
                              As a father fighting for MORE time with my kids I can't believe someone would choose to act this way with his kids...

                              My partner feels the same way. This guy is a self centered jerk.

                              Comment

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