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  • #31
    oh i just thought a 45 days old baby going out town for 2 nights without food is a bad thing...I didn't have enough milk neither had I pumped before.
    Do you get the hypocrisy of you complaining that this guy is an uninvolved, uncaring father who doesn't take any responsibility for parenting and then saying that you didn't let him take his own child for a 2 day weekend?

    Are you capable of taking the care of the child for 2 days in a row as his mother?

    Why do you believe that a father can't do the same thing?

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
      It may well be that he doesn't attend the play group because he does not wish to spend time with you, however he may choose to attend a play group on his own with the baby on his own time. Much as he will establish his own routine with the baby when he has the baby in his care and you are not there doing everything.
      Well I thought about that actually. I would offer to stay away ( e.g.: go grocery store or have a coffee) if he doesn't want me to be there....no problem.

      Knowing my ex, he is a complainer but he doesn't actually do anything. So it is very unlikely he would go find a play group. Since the beginning of my pregnancy, I managed everything myself, tracing back to the older days, I was the proactive one as well - let alone financially supporting the majority of the household and doing all the planning.

      Anyway, sure things can be negotiated- I just don't like the lies and twisted facts in terms of getting back to me when the negotiation didn't go well for him...

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
        Do you get the hypocrisy of you complaining that this guy is an uninvolved, uncaring father who doesn't take any responsibility for parenting and then saying that you didn't let him take his own child for a 2 day weekend?

        Are you capable of taking the care of the child for 2 days in a row as his mother?

        Why do you believe that a father can't do the same thing?
        wait, let me ask a question before trying to answer....in situation like this, say the baby is 1.5 month...what is the reasonable access should be like if ruled by court..?

        Ok back to your question, because I was worried about the baby not having enough food?

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
          Its the driving! OK I got it.

          Driving isn't a problem in the future, but my family member has been doing the driving and I just stay away when ex picks up the child. And that family member will NOT drive that far.....

          I don't think driving is a problem if the conflict dies down and he stops calling me name whenever he sees me and make up a story of me abusing him afterwards.

          If driving is the problem, I don't see it being a big issue.
          so how far is it for that family member to drive the child to the father?? If its too far for him then wouldn't it be to far to expect the father to drive also? Especially since you took the child?

          Comment


          • #35
            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
            Do you get the hypocrisy of you complaining that this guy is an uninvolved, uncaring father who doesn't take any responsibility for parenting and then saying that you didn't let him take his own child for a 2 day weekend?

            Are you capable of taking the care of the child for 2 days in a row as his mother?

            Why do you believe that a father can't do the same thing?
            Also, He was uninvolved when I was at home. Then later on he might have picked up some motivation of seeing the child.


            I don't doubt dads in general. My dad did much more parenting to me than my mom. I am not trying to generalize this.

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
              so how far is it for that family member to drive the child to the father?? If its too far for him then wouldn't it be to far to expect the father to drive also? Especially since you took the child?

              family members drives 20 minutes to pick us up, then another 10 to a neutral location. My ex drives about 25 minutes to the neutral location.

              I know it is not ideal, but so far it has worked ok...

              Comment


              • #37
                Okay, jumping even though I probably shouldn't - the breastfeeding thing is a legitimate issue which might limit the possibility of overnights right now. Lactation is a tricky thing - many women can't just pump on demand - and if breastfeeding is interrupted for more than a day, some mothers lose their ability to produce enough. So I can see that it would be an impediment to overnight visits at the present moment. Divorcing mama may want to consider transitioning the baby to partial supplementation or reducing breastfeeding over the next few months. This may mean weaning the baby earlier than she anticipated, but after a couple of months of exclusive breastfeeding, most of the health benefits to the baby have already been realized.

                And I agree with everyone else, somebody's got to drive the baby to maintain connection with the father, and if he won't do it, it's on the mother and her family to take this up. Yes, it's a pain in the neck and should be shared with the father, but the situation is what it is, and establishing a bond between the father and the baby now will pay off down the line.

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                • #38
                  stripes,

                  I tried to bring milk along these days for ex during visit. Child completely rejects the bottle. Ex told me that he wouldn't take a drop and cried the whole time.

                  I also have been very diligent on trying to increase the milk supply- you name it...drinking all sort of soups, eating all sort of food that is great for milk letdown..trying to pump....nope, just not happening. My baby still gets hungry fast since my milk comes slowly.

                  I think my ex is starting to understand now how hard to take care of a baby alone tho. I do think he is learning as we go. The divorce might be harsh but I think it may really encourage him to set his priority straight.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
                    oh i just thought a 45 days old baby going out town for 2 nights without food is a bad thing...I didn't have enough milk neither had I pumped before.
                    Nobody.said.the baby should or would go without food. Much like the world would not stop feeding the baby if something happened to you or if you were not able to breastfeed.

                    This isn't rocket surgery. I understand that breastfeeding is not an easy task, however it is not the end of the world to pump a bit extra a couple of times a day to be able to provide enough to feed the baby for an overnight or weekend stay with dad. And that gives you the opportunity to pump and store for the entire time baby is away to prepare for the next time.

                    Yes, you were perhaps unprepared and uneducated on it earlier on, as you indicated in a prior post, however you aren't now, so why are you not doing what you need to do to make it possible for baby to eat while with dad so you can get that issue off the table?

                    It just seems that you are looking for reasons to decide on his behalf that he isn't capable of parenting. Regardless of what happened in the past when you were together, he may be the best dad in the world now that you're apart and you are denying both him amd the baby that opportunity.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      There's been many posts on this forum on the issue of nursing and access which you should probably read up on. Its unlikely to be a valid argument in court, I'm just warning you....many other women have tried this method.

                      You're pretty good at searching old posts so just search the forum and you'll find some good history and good canlii links on the subject.

                      Anyway, you're talking to a mother that nursed both her children for over 18 months each. My second child I never gave formula and I went back to work when she was 2.5 months old. I pumped all her daytime milk that my mom used, in the company bathroom at my work listening to audio tapes of my baby crying on my cd player (yea, I know I'm showing my age) to get my milk to let down. And she wouldn't take a bottle at first either. The first day, she was pretty pissed and my mom had to feed her off of a spoon. The second day, she took a bottle just fine. Babies won't starve to death just because their dad is taking care of them.

                      And you can make a plan with him to bring the baby back to you in the event of an emergency, if he's a 20 minute drive away. So there's ZERO reason to deny this father an overnight visit. In fact, it should have been done a long time ago.

                      Also, He was uninvolved when I was at home. Then later on he might have picked up some motivation of seeing the child.
                      What he did during the duration of your crappy relationship is irrelevant. Move on with life and grant him fair access to his child.

                      Knowing my ex, he is a complainer but he doesn't actually do anything. So it is very unlikely he would go find a play group. Since the beginning of my pregnancy, I managed everything myself, tracing back to the older days, I was the proactive one as well - let alone financially supporting the majority of the household and doing all the planning.
                      And what you see as proactive, he might have seen as overbearing and controlling. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he views you that way right now.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
                        stripes,

                        I tried to bring milk along these days for ex during visit. Child completely rejects the bottle. Ex told me that he wouldn't take a drop and cried the whole time.

                        I also have been very diligent on trying to increase the milk supply- you name it...drinking all sort of soups, eating all sort of food that is great for milk letdown..trying to pump....nope, just not happening. My baby still gets hungry fast since my milk comes slowly.

                        I think my ex is starting to understand now how hard to take care of a baby alone tho. I do think he is learning as we go. The divorce might be harsh but I think it may really encourage him to set his priority straight.
                        that happened to a friend of mine and the doctor suggested switching to bottle feedings as the child wasn't getting the amount of food they needed. What does your doctor say about it?

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          I also have been very diligent on trying to increase the milk supply- you name it...drinking all sort of soups, eating all sort of food that is great for milk letdown..trying to pump....nope, just not happening. My baby still gets hungry fast since my milk comes slowly.
                          Then supplement with a good formula.

                          There's thousands of mothers who can't nurse due to thousands different reasons. Their babies don't starve, go blind, or die because they're supplemented with formula.

                          I'm sorry...I'm just not buying the excuses. It seemed like as soon as your story about what an uninvolved parent he was got contradicted, you started down another path on trying to justify why you're right in refusing access. At the end of the day, you took this child without legal permission out of residence so you bear the burden of trying to figure out how this dad can have fair access to the child. What you've offered him, given the travel time, is completely unreasonable.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                            that happened to a friend of mine and the doctor suggested switching to bottle feedings as the child wasn't getting the amount of food they needed. What does your doctor say about it?
                            doctor thinks the weight gain is appropriate so she has no concern. She says some people just doesn't have lots of milk but if i feed often the baby is fine.

                            I tried formula my child wont touch it. my mom tried spoon feed too,he would just spit it out. Because I have never left him more than a couple of hours, we never tried how far he can go without starving himself.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
                              A church sister once told me

                              ".... A divorce brings the worst out of a person. So if your ex is being nasty to you/ or falsely accusing you, this might be the worst you will ever see from him. In another word, he might not be all THAT bad in other situations"

                              Just thought I should keep this in mind, hope this will you give some comfort.
                              Here's what will give me some comfort: to be done with it, once and for all!! You have no idea how long this bleeping process takes ... One of my cousins was married for only 4 years, his divorce is going on 5 with no settlement in sight!

                              Arm yourself with patience and learn everything that you can about dual parenting, it won't be easy, but as long as you are reasonable and willing to share with Papa, things will improve with time. All the best for the kidlet.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Nobody.said.the baby should or would go without food. Much like the world would not stop feeding the baby if something happened to you or if you were not able to breastfeed.
                                Excellent point.

                                If you get a breast infection or bad virus or your milk just dries up...you'll have to wean the baby onto a bottle. I have never heard of a breastfed baby purposely starving itself to death because they had to be switched to a bottle.

                                Yea, they might get seriously pissed off for a while and put up a temporary fight but its simple Darwinism, they'll eat eventually. Just like when your toddler threatens to hold their breath until they die because you didn't give them a fruit roll-up...its not gonna happen.

                                You are in a situation where you might have to partially wean your baby because time with his father is actually way more important than his every single feeding being from your breast. Besides, its unreasonable. Eventually you're going to have to have some time to yourself...either for health reasons...or work reasons, etc. Its silly not to prepare this baby for some time away from you.

                                Anyway, if you walk into court making this argument as a reason that you're denying fair access to this father, you're going to very rightfully get your ass handed to you.

                                I advise you to do some canlii research before you walk into court with this nonsense.

                                This is just my opinion of your posts...but to me, you come off as a right-fighter and very controlling. You have a hard time accepting that you might be doing something wrong. But that doesn't mean that you're not doing something wrong.

                                Comment

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