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Keeping sane through it all?

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  • #16
    I wish that I could get him to fix the place up - he's a carpenter and it would be simple for him. The problem is the restraining order. I don't dare call him for anything as this would harm my credibility ( at least that's what my lawyer has advised ).

    STBX claims to have no money and I sure can't afford to hire a roofer to do the job. I'll have to bug my lawyer and see what he thinks about this.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Grateful View Post
      The best advice I got was to go to therapy.I needed the equivalent of ER therapy :-) Strategies and coping skills to make it through.
      I agree, I did have some free therapy at the Domestic Violence Center and it really helped a lot. There were men there as well (can happen to anyone).
      What was surprising to me was the diversity of ages and situations. There really is no 'typical' victim - could be anyone with a heart.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by BitHunter View Post
        That's the problem right there!

        If the child is already a grown-up, then what's the problem? When sharing the property is completed, all ends! You never need to talk to or see your ex! Even better: you can freely move to (almost) any countries in the world, or anywhere here in Canada, and spend the rest of your life happily with skiing or scuba diving or wine making! I wish I was in your place!!!!!
        That's it and I always knew there is something wrong with me in this department.

        Just trust me, you don't want to be envious of my situation, just trust me on this and between us girls, the child in the middle of the fight is not even my child (in a sense)!

        Now you are confused, aren't you?

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        • #19
          How can a child be not yours in a sense? She is or she isn't no?

          Over the years I've learned NOT to be envious of anyone. A lot of us suffer from the 'grass-is-greener' syndrome, and it's usually a mistake.

          Years ago, I was amazed with my neighbors who managed to both purchase new cars every 2 or 3 years - had a big McMansion type home. Later (when they were divorced), she admitted that they where up to their wazoo in debts. Live n' learn.

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          • #20
            One step at a time!! Finally ending a financially, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship after 18 years...finally!!! LOL I am working 3-5 jobs all the time and thankful everyday that I can work now. I was in such a black hole, working seemed impossible. Time does make a difference...give yourself time. I wish you all the best...all of you!! Blessings to each of you!!! BTW...I think I will get my hair cut...it's been a few years!!!

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            • #21
              Sos, that's great to know that you have ended that toxic relationship. "Toxic" is probably an overused word, but it is such an apt description for the connection between the perpetrator and the abused victim. The perpetrator literally poisons us in many ways, including the physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

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              • #22
                I have always loved this poem and want to share it with you! it is by an anonymous author!

                "Comes The Dawn"

                After awhile you learnthe subltle difference
                between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
                And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
                and company doesn't mean security,
                And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
                and presents aren't promises.
                And you begin to accept your defeats with your
                head up and your eyes open with the grace of
                a woman, not the grief of a child.
                And you learn to build all your roads on today,
                for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
                And futures's have a wayu of falling down in mid-flight.
                And after awhile you learn that even sunshine
                burns if you get too much.
                So you plant your own garden and decorate
                your own soul instead of waiting for someone
                to bring you flowers.
                And you learn you really can endure....that
                you really do have worth.
                And you learn and you learn...with every
                goodbye you learn.
                -Anonymous

                Somehow this poem gives me strength and courage!!! Hope it does the same for all of you!! It is tough but I have figured out that several minimum wage jobs turns into quite a bit of money. It is amazing what a gallon of paint can do!! Oh and a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey can be a good thing!!! LOL

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                • #23
                  Thanks for the poem. I know a couple of women in my life who could use these words of wisdom.

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                  • #24
                    Thanks for reminding me of the poem. I don't why I didn't recall it. Virginia Shoffstall wrote it I believe in 1971. This poem should be on the walls of every shelter house in the nation.

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                    • #25
                      Your welcome!! Please share with them! Hope you are having a beautiful day wherever you are!!! The sky is blue here and I feel ALIVE and hopeful and courageous today!!! Trying to pass on the good feeling!!

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                      • #26
                        Thanks for the authors name. My copy says Anonymous and I have had this on my bulletin board since the 80's. Somehow I have kept it despite all my moves!!!

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                        • #27
                          We all need to feel that no matter what has happened in our lives, we are surviving and thriving, and each day is a blessing, to be used to benefit not only ourselves, but others. I'm going for my walk now. Its's a beautiful day!

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                          • #28
                            'So you plant your own garden and decorate
                            your own soul instead of waiting for someone
                            to bring you flowers.'

                            What a wonderful poem, it made my day!

                            Thank youfor posting this SOS

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by caranna View Post
                              Sos, that's great to know that you have ended that toxic relationship. "Toxic" is probably an overused word, but it is such an apt description for the connection between the perpetrator and the abused victim. The perpetrator literally poisons us in many ways, including the physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
                              So true! whenever I think of the STBX I feel physically and spiritually ill. The antidote is time, time and yet more time. I am looking forward to the day when he will no longer have any real impact on my well-being.

                              The tears will dry, the bruises will heal, the heart will mend itself ... all in good time.

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                              • #30
                                It will happen...instead of your day being consumed by thoughts and feelings of him or him, you can just let moments happen and I think eventually it becomes to be a thing of the past that doesn't even require a daily moment. Don't think about the time wasted in giving yourself to that person but change your thinking to I won't let him/her control any more of my time. Use that time that you used to give to them for taking care of yourself. It is so freeing and remember that you are not being selfish but healthy people don't give everything of themselves away to someone else. You must cognitively figure out what about you attracts people that will take everything and what about you that needs to change so it doesn't happen again. I am sure those of you (like myself) that are in these relationships are generous, kind, and loving people to the detrimate of your own well being. Therein lies the problem...change that and still be who youare but have boundaries!! Blessings to you all and to me this amzing day!!!

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