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How do you know if it's over? second chance?

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  • How do you know if it's over? second chance?

    STBX and I have been separated since August. He desperately wants a second chance and is getting help for his controlling and abusiveness. I can see a change in him, he is working hard but I don't know what I want.

    I can see my future without him, but only the next year or so. The future where we are together is cloudy. I'm not angry at him anymore, but I still feel nervous and anxious when I am near him. When I talk to him it feels like I want to give him a chance, but as soon as I hang up the phone I find I am not so sure.

    He doesn't want to go back to the old ways, he wants to start over by dating etc. I don't feel emotionally ready to do that yet. How do I know what I really want and need? It's been so long since I've gotten to choose what I want that I don't know how to decide. Seriously.

  • #2
    Don't do it. You don't sound sure. My ex wanted to stay with me and try, try, try, but I wasn't 100% into it. You don't sound like it either. That's great if he wants to try but what if he just gets back into old habbits, yes you see a change now, but it could all go back to the way it was.

    Find happiness yourself, and in turn maybe down the road you could get back together, but for now you should work on YOU.

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    • #3
      I've told him I need to work on myself first. I feel so horrible about myself and I have for some time. He says he understands and he wants to support me and be there for me (something he never did before), but I am resentful of him. Resentful that he has been able to change, he is happy with himself, while I am feeling so awful. I mean he was the one being emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, I have already suffered and now I am suffering still, while he gets to be happy and forgive himself.

      I guess he is pushing for a reconciliation, and he is fine with taking it slow. I just don't know if I am ready to start on that yet, and who knows if I ever will be. He has promised to change before and failed, but this time he really is making all the effort and I sort of feel like I owe it to him. But I know that I owe myself happiness too.

      God this sucks!!

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      • #4
        aww I know its hard! but you don't owe him anything! Take it from someone who was in a crap relationship, and is now is a HAPPY healthy relationship, its worth it to work on yourself! Had I not taken me time I would never have been able to get it together and become a better person and Mom. Yeah sure he wants to take it slow, but when you've already been in a relationship with that person once, it rarely goes slow.... I know its hard, maybe even lonely but reconnect with old friends (this is why facebook is so great) get out and do new things, spend time with family, just keep busy and get to a good place yourself and then MAYBE once you are recovered you can TRy, but you may not even want to at that point. Life is TOO SHORT to be unhappy, make the most of it!

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        • #5
          I'm a little out of my element here. I would like to point out something you said though - that 'you feel you owe it to him'.

          You do not owe him anything. Put that idea away.

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          • #6
            I know, the "owing it to him part" sounds wrong to me too. I have always been the kind of person to do anything and everything for those I care for. I have always sacrificed my own happiness for his and it's so hard not to automatically do it.

            You are both right. And I know it. Anyone want to tell him??

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