Just some advice

[Catdude]

About Guilt and depression...

1st time poster.. hello All..

I am 40, male and confused..

I am not at all experienced with failed marriages ..I am finding out it is not the same as simply breaking up (even though there is no wrangling at all over assets) In that there are Kids involved (hers) and there is this Guilt and feeling of failure that do not accompany a normal breakup..

To make a long story short.. I am seriously considering getting back with my wife.. Because I feel the depression of staying with her will be less than the guilt I feel for leaving her and her children..

I am used to being depressed or dealing with less than spectacular situations.. but not to dealing with guilt..

Has anyone faced a similar conflict and who could offer a little advice or insight.. I would be eager to listen ..

thanks

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

I think that you need to get some help for yourself before putting yourself back into a poisonous environment.
From what you have said I think both situations need you to take care of yourself before you can deal with the issues you are facing.
How can you be of any help if you are depressed or emotionally unwell?

[About_Time]

Guilt and depression are not a good reason to get back together with your ex. If you choose to go back, make sure it's because you still love her, she still loves you and you have a reasonable plan to fix the issues which caused you to break up in the first place - one that you are both genuinely committed to.

Coming back when you feel bad is a strong temptation but trust me, it's usually doomed to failure. I made that mistake with my ex, and none of the problems were fixed for long. In time, all I had done was waste another 4 years of my life.

Sometimes, leaving is the lesser of two evils when held up against being constantly depressed and in a bad situation. I left when I realized that my options were:

1) Stay in a loveless, one-sided marriage which was leading to financial and psychological ruin; or
2) Admit defeat on my marriage, move away from my kids and get myself back on track re: my sanity, my life and my money.

This was an extremely hard choice, and I too had my weaker moments - especially re: the kids. In time though, this gets better. Often a LONG time, but you get there. Get counselling though, and talk to people who've been through it. It helps a lot.

[kamkatie]

Don't let guilt be the reason you return to a relationship. You'll only grow resentful. I'm about to quote Dr. Phil (groan) "Kids would rather be froma broken home then live in one." You need to take care of yourself before you can properly care of anyone else. If you truly want to make things better for all involved then resolve yourself of this guilt. You left for a reason. If you're feeling guilty then it obviously wasn't an easy choice and I imagine you agonized over the decision in the first place. If you think you and the ex can make another go of things try couples counselling first. That should give you some insight into whether the relationship is salvagable.

[Catdude]

Thanks for all the advice..

It's really a struggle...and it seems no matter what choice I make.. someone gets hurt..

I will have to figure this out and quick..

[standing on the sidelines]

first off how long has it been since you and your wife decided to end it?? I think everyone feels a sense of failure and loss when a marriage ends. It does get better with time, the wounds do heal. The sense of guilt with get better with time also. Are you going to be able to keep in contact with the kids? If you coud remain an influence in their lives then that should help with the guilty feelings also.

It does get better with time, you just have to give it some time.

[Catdude]

Well .. I finally found the courage and the respect I had been lacking, due to my selfish needs.. and said we have no possible future

I have to say it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. And I imagine a long battle ahead to forgive myself..

Most of the advice I received from various sources all confirmed what I already knew..

And I thank you all for being honest and empathetic to my plight..