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  • not sure where to post this

    Hi its taking alot of courage for me to post this.
    I guess I should start with the basics. I am 46 years old and have been married for 26 years. We have two children 19 and 21, the eldest does not live at home. I am a stay at home mom. We decided early on that he would work and I would take care of the kids and home. Not exactly the way I pictured my life but he is forgein and would have it no other way. I'll always be grateful for the time I had with my kids while they were growing up. That was the good part, the kids, the rest of the marriage has been miserable. I wouldn't even know where to start and even if I did share the details I put up with it, so I am equally responsible for the unhappiness. I have no friends and one brother who I rarely speak to. Now that the kids are raised there is very little reason for us to stay together. I have battled depression for a number of years. I have slept on the couch forever so there is no intimacy. His verbal abuse has been getting worse by the day, any self esteem I had is dead and gone. He is miserable and so am I. I have never once been unfaithful to him, that was more for me than him, I just couldn't look in the mirror if I had. I have been applying for jobs even at minimum wage so I could leave but have had no luck. Guess its important to include he makes over a hundred thousand dollars a year. I think clicking on this link tonight has saved my life. I had no idea that he would have to pay spousal support, no idea whatsoever. It is almost like I have been given a new chance at life reading that. I don't know where to start with the divorce procedures any help even with the basics would be greatly appreciated, I don't even know the questions to ask. Thanks in advance for any advice.

  • #2
    The absolute first thing you need to do is speak to a lawyer. They will walk you through the important first steps and make sure you don't make any mistakes. Here are a few words of advice I can offer though:

    1) Don't tell your husband you want a divorce until you have all your ducks in a row. Once he knows, it hits the fan quickly - so be prepared.

    2) Don't leave the matrimonial home under any circumstance whatsoever. Make him leave. Wait him out as long as you need to.

    3) Document everything that happens that might influence your case. Phone messages, emails - even a journal keeping track of dates and details.

    4) Get copies of EVERYTHING. Every bill, every receipt, every paystub, every tax return, every legal document - EVERYTHING you can get your hands on from your household records. Keep it somewhere safe. If he leaves and takes his paperwork with him, you might not get access to it again.

    5) Check here often. The people here are very knowledgeable and can help walk you through a lot of things. Family Law is a nightmare - it helps to have a group of people who can wake you up from it now and then

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    • #3
      Thanks About_Time for your advice. Now I have got to find away to access some money for the lawyer. Right now all of this seems so overwhelming.

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      • #4
        A lot of lawyers will give you a free consultation (30 mins, usually), and that should hopefully be enough to at least figure out what you need to do before proceeding. Once you've separated, you can apply for Legal Aid and - as you are not working - you will probably get it. Might be a good idea to stop by a Legal Aid office and go over your situation to see what you need to do there as well.

        It is a LOT to take in a relatively short period of time. It's easy to get overwhelmed. You just need to take a deep breath and stay 100% focused right now. Once the agonizingly slow wheels of justice start grinding along, you'll have time for a meltdown - it's all in the scheduling!

        Stay strong - you'll be fine!

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        • #5
          Yeah, it sounds like this guy was a smuck, and you should get your fair share of the assets, but make sure you don't go down the path of trying to get even or a lifelong quest for an indexed pension plan. Things always seem dire at first, but take your fair share of the assets and make something of yourself and cut yourself free. You'll find that path a lot better than a lifelong bitter battle, where only third parties will truly benifit.

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          • #6
            I want to add that you will be entitled to split the Canada Pension benefits with your spouse also. The Gov. takes the CPP benefits you both accumulated during the years you were married ( not after separation), add them together and split them down the middle. When you turn 60 you can start drawing it, but will lose 6% per year for each year you draw it earlier than age 65. Therefore you'll lose 30% if you start drawing it at age 60. But many feel it is worth it. You have to go to a Revenue Canada office and apply for it as a formality and make sure you have your husband's Social Insurance number.

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            • #7
              Wow all this terminology I don't understand, I guess I have alot to learn in a short time. I've decided to get through this holiday season for the kids and put the wheels in motion in the new year. I think now that I know their is a light at the end of the tunnel I can get through the next little while. I am not a vindictive person, I want this to be as painless as it can be for both of us. I know he is going to be very unhappy about spousal support and the fact I have found out about it. I just recently bought this computer and its amazing to me the window to the world it provides. Thanks to everyone for the input.

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              • #8
                Here's another word of advice, on the new computer. Make sure you log out of this site when you go offline, and clear the history on your internet activity. Probably not a good idea to bookmark this site either. And don't use your maiden name as you password. There are no secrets with the world wide web.

                Just one of those things that can come back to bite you right before Christmas.

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                • #9
                  If sounds like you might own a home that has a lot of equity in it after years of mortgage payments and a healthy income. If you split, you will also be entitled to half of the marital assets, called division of family property.

                  This one time "equalization" payment might well be very large i.e. over $100K, but this is again something you need to talk to a lawyer about.

                  Regarding the free 30 minute consultation, you can get that calling lawyers directly, or you can call the Law Society of Upper Canada and they will give you a phone number to call. You can have the consultation over the phone very quickly doing it that way.

                  I agree with a post above. Don't let him know what you're doing until you are ready to act. You have a lot to learn about in the next while. Do that learning on this forum and elsewhere (books, talk with trusted friends/family) and arm yourself with information. The more you learn, the more you will get out of the lawyer consultation.

                  Don't leave all the responsibility to the lawyer. He/she will guide you through the process but it's still important for you to arm yourself with knowledge. No one knows your situation better than you.

                  Finally, don't use the lawyer for emotional support, it's not his/her job and it's too expensive. Consider seeing a counsellor for a couple of sessions to get some emotional validation. Your self-esteem needs a pick-me-up. Even if you have family/friends to support you, an independant third party professional is worth it, believe me! Borrow a few hundred bucks if you have to and get to a counsellor.
                  Last edited by dadtotheend; 12-04-2008, 11:26 AM.

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