Need comprehensive parenting plan...?

[Motorizer]

Hi all.

I've posted on here a few times, but will give some back story:

Involved with a woman for a year, she got pregnant.
Promised to marry and support, she dumped me three months in for no given reason.
Would not give me any info during pregnancy, did not inform me that child was born until three days later.
Child was born June 18, 2010.

I have been able to see my son twice a week, for 1-2 hours each visit. Though I have asked for more time.
I have asked that I be included on Birth Certificate, and that I be able to sign an Affidavit of Paternity (Or Canadian equivalent) since birth.
Asked that childs last name be hyphenated, and that we redo the BC.

BM seemed amicable, but dragging her feet on most things.

Yesterday, I received a letter from Income Support (Welfare), asking that I come to their office to discuss CS.
I have not paid CS yet, instead offering to purchase needed items until an agreement is signed between BM and myself.
Not that I will not pay, just that I want all legal protocols to be followed.

Asked BM to discuss CS, also if we could move up the arrangements.
She has stated that I will get EOW, and an overnight a week, and no more. And only after 12 months of age. She will NOT budge on this.
Also does not want joint custody, and refuses to entertain the notion of changing the last name to be hyphenated.
Also stated that I will not get any Christmases, or other important holidays. Sheesh!


SO, in the last couple days, when I ask to visit my son, she has stated that she will not allow it until we attend mediation.
Which I am fine with, but if BM will not negotiate, seems to be kind of a waste of time.
She also refuses to set a PP for more than 1 year, temporary only.
If there's one thing I've learned from this site, it's not to agree to ANY temporary plan, as they all too often become permanent.

So... How should I go about this?
I don't want to make any missteps, but also don't want for her to establish any legal status quos by my delay.
I do have an interview with an attorney tomorrow, but any advice would be extremely helpful.

[Mess]

She is refusing access, GET THAT IN WRITING. Don't speak with her over the phone at all anymore, you are busy, the water is boiling over on the stove and the cat is on fire. Use email only if at all possible.

With zero access ASAP try to get a motion for access and establishing a joint legal custody. Cite her refusal to allow any access as grounds for requiring a motion.

If you want some kind of shared parenting and more than just every other weekend, then yes, you need a comprehensive parenting plan and you need to take parenting classes, research research research. You have to show that you are capable, not just claim it. Keep in mind, presumably this is her first child? She was not born with parenting knowledge and the fact that she has breasts does not make her any more qualified to parent than you.

Her attitude, as you describe it, is to keep you on the sidelines and give you minimum access. Of course she gets full child support, a free weekend twice a month and a night out during the week with free babysitting. How cool is that? If you want to be an equal, joint parent, it can be done, she will hang herself if she keeps saying things like "no access" but get as much evidence of it as you possibly can. Every time she denies access she is making it easier for you to get joint custody, but you need to build a positive case for yourself too, and get as much in writing or at least voice recordings as you can.

[NBDad]

I have asked that I be included on Birth Certificate, and that I be able to sign an Affidavit of Paternity (Or Canadian equivalent) since birth.
Asked that childs last name be hyphenated, and that we redo the BC.

Make that part of your motion. Don't focus a lot on it, but make sure it gets mentioned. You want to word this to emphasize you are amicable towards a hyphenated name, but you want YOUR last name included as a means of having a bond/connection with your son. If you are the only son in your family, then mention the fact that you want YOUR son to carry on your family name as there is noone else to do it.

I have been able to see my son twice a week, for 1-2 hours each visit

Is she breastfeeding? If not, then there is NO reason you cannot have him more often. If she is breastfeeding, she can stall things for 6 months to a year. After a year the benefit drops to almost nil, and you can push for the child to be weaned.

Yesterday, I received a letter from Income Support (Welfare), asking that I come to their office to discuss CS. I have not paid CS yet, instead offering to purchase needed items until an agreement is signed between BM and myself.

You need to be paying something for support. What is she capable of making? ie. what was she making/year before she got pregnant and went on welfare? In the absence of an agreement otherwise, you need to be paying OFFSET amounts of support based on either her previous income OR a best estimate on what she should be capable of making...even if it's minimum wage. Make sure her worker is informed of any funds you give her. (Anything you pay in support comes off DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR from her assistance check).

Paying offset will further help substantiate your request that you want a joint/shared parenting arrangement. In the absence of an order, ACT LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVE IT. This means requesting she tell you of any appointments the child has, and then showing up to attend them.

Get yourself into a consult with a lawyer asap and file a motion for access/support due to her refusal to work with you. Make sure you include a parenting plan of how you will care for and make arrangements for your child when you have him. Include perhaps a gradual increase over the next 6-12 months winding up with a 3 day -4 day split between you.

The second you hit that mark, file for CCTB/UCCB 6 months a year. 1. It's the right of the child to have those funds coming into the household they spend time in. 2. You are legally obligated to inform CRA of changes in circumstance, 3. It will provide extra incentive for the BM to get her ass off welfare and find some actual work.

This will not be easy, if she is insistent on making things difficult, expect to spend around 30K if you retain a lawyer, and don't expect a permanent order for 1-3 years. Stick to your guns, play things properly, and you'll do ok.

[dinkyface]

Here's a fantastic link that discusses in great details how to build a parenting plan. This one specifically is for joint/shared parenting, where both parents have more or less equal roles (which should be your goal, but you may have a hard battle to get there).
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/famil...planissues.pdf
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[HammerDad]

If you are in Ontario, here is what the Vital Statistics Act provides regarding last names:

How child’s surname determined
(3) A child’s surname shall be determined as follows:
1. If both parents certify the child’s birth, they may agree to give the child either parent’s surname or former surname or a surname consisting of one surname or former surname of each parent, hyphenated or combined.
2. If both parents certify the child’s birth but do not agree on the child’s surname, the child shall be given,
i. the parents’ surname, if they have the same surname, or
ii. a surname consisting of both parents’ surnames hyphenated or combined in alphabetical order, if they have different surnames.
3. If one parent certifies the child’s birth and the other parent is incapable by reason of illness or death, the parent who certifies the birth may give the child either parent’s surname or former surname or a surname consisting of one surname or former surname of each parent, hyphenated or combined.
4. If the mother certifies the child’s birth and the father is unknown to or unacknowledged by her, she may give the child her surname or former surname.
5. If a person who is not the child’s parent certifies the child’s birth, the child shall be given,
i. the parents’ surname, if they have the same surname,
ii. a surname consisting of both parents’ surnames hyphenated or combined in alphabetical order, if they have different surnames, or
iii. if only one parent is known, that parent’s surname. R.S.O. 1990, c. V.4, s. 10 (3); 1994, c. 27, s. 102 (6).

Here is a recent case that would be on point to your situation:

CanLII - 2008 CanLII 36912 (ON S.C.)

The others have been good about giving you advice regarding communication. Keep it all via email/paper form, keep it child centric (do not get into a pissing match with her) and keep as if you were writing a judge themselves (so be professional).

Be consistant with your requests for access. If she refuses, make note of it. Agree to mediation and set up a meeting as soon as possible. Yes, it may be a waste of time as you believe she isn't willing to actually negotiate, but you have to go through the motions of doing this or else you may appear combative. Also, while you are in mediation stay firm to your wants. If you want a more comprehensive longer term agreement, stick to your guns. A mediator isn't there to be your friend, they just want to get an agreement done, so they will lean on the person they feel is more likely to cave. So know what you want, what you are willing to concede and move forward.

If you are not listed on the birth certificate you have no legal obligation to pay child support. Yes you are acting in the capacity of a parent, but you haven't been determined to the parent in court. If you are on the birth certificate (which it sounds like you are), contest the name with the Vital Statistics Office.

If you end up in court you want regular access, which will be increased as the child grows. You want joint custody. You want your name included on the birth certificate. Those are the big three IMO. You will most likely not get overnights for a while, but for now you should get about 2-3 hours 3-4 times a week while she is nursing. If she is not breastfeeding, you should get overnights sooner. A judge will eventually tell her to pump and provide you with milk so you can have overnights.

[dinkyface]

Comments

- Being named on the birth certificate is VERY important (from experience).

- If you want to be included in surname, this must go through family court, you cannot do it directly through Vital Statistics (unless mother consents, of course)

[HammerDad]

Comments

- Being named on the birth certificate is VERY important (from experience).

- If you want to be included in surname, this must go through family court, you cannot do it directly through Vital Statistics (unless mother consents, of course)

Correct, while the name change is governed by the vital statistics act, you will need to change it via family court.

[Motorizer]

Thanks, all.

We have a mediation appointment set up for late August.
I'm really not sure what to expect.
I'm only firm on shared custody, everything else is negotiable.
I don't wish to do a temporary plan, as I feel we need one that covers all the bases until the child is old enough to start school.
She replies that we can change it anytime, but I know it's only if we both agree.
If we can't agree now, I doubt it will be better in the future.

BM will not let me see the child until a Parenting Plan is in place.
Kinda seems like blackmail to me.

I'm in Alberta, so I'm not sure of the Vital Statistics regulations here.
Though that CANLII case file sure seems to set a precedent.

I am willing to co-operate and be flexible, but I will always stand firm on Joint Custody and guardianship.
I have been insistent on this, which seems to really make BM mad.
Half the reason she won't allow me to see the child is because I insist upon a comprehensive plan.

Hoo boy, and this is just the start!

[logicalvelocity]

A good read on the subject of child's surname.

Supreme Court of Canada - Decisions - Trociuk v. British Columbia (Attorney General)

[Motorizer]

Thanks, all.

I've been browsing this forum for awhile now, and the things I've learned have been very helpful.

We have a mediation appointment set up for August 19, no court action as of yet.

My concern is, BM only wants to setup a temporary visitation/ access schedule, with no mention of custody, or guardianship.
Both of these, obviously, are pretty important to me.
The name thing, I think I'll have to go to court for. Unfortunate that we both have to spend thousands of dollars on something that should be simple...

How can I bring these items up without seeming to be too pushy?
I do want to set up a more permanent visitation schedule, but would also like to address these issues.
It seems that all too often, what is temporary becomes permanent.
I have tried to discuss these things, but BM refuses to discuss them without a mediator. As if they are a cure all, I dunno. As far as I can tell, they only facilitate comunication.
I'm thinking BM might think that a mediator will be on her side when it comes to only making short term plans. I hope not...

All I want to do is participate as a fully functioning, equal parent.
I am willing to be VERY flexible, but it takes two.
Man, I don't see how some of you do it.
Especially those of you in far more antagonistic situations than myself. Good on y'all.

Seems like the odds are against me, but I'll keep plugging away.

[Daba]

I just wanted to add my experience on going to a mediator (through the court house) to set up a parenting schedule for a very young child (though not as young as yours-the child was still well under a year old).

You stated you want something long term, however, in our case the mediator refused to make a schedule past a year in the future even though both myself and the father were willing to plan for a couple years. The mediator said that she did not see a point as there were just too many 'unknowns'. So I just wanted to warn you,that while you many want something more permanent-the mediator may see things differently and refuse to go on.

Best of luck.

[Motorizer]

Thanks for the tip, Daba.
You've all been very helpful.

Hopefully, we can get a fair amount settled in mediation.

One question, though...is a change of name application heard in Provincial court, or Court Of Queens Bench?
The Family Court counsellor said the latter, but all the case files I've read seem to be Provincial....