Child abuse - need some guidance

[singledad99]

If you recall my previous posts, we have OCL on board. They have done their interviewing. Don't know what happens next but I think they will get the collateral information now - school, doctor, references etc etc.

I am also taking my son for individual counselling as I thought it would be helpful for him to air out some grievances he's been keeping inside and letting out little by little here and there. Shocking revelations! He is now telling that his mother was hitting him on almost daily basis and some times leaving bruises. She was shaming him for being too much of a daddy's boy and probably feeling jealous and insecure (which I don't understand why). Anyways, I am pretty sure he has told the OCL about the past physical abuse and current emotional and psychological abuse.

So far I have been working very hard to keep him motivated to see his mother. Now it seems that I am not doing anything to protect him enough from all of this. There were few occasions when I did see her hitting him but I assumed she had stopped after I gave her very harsh warnings. As per my son now, she was threatening him for more serious punishments if he tried to tell me about it. When I questioned about bruises on his arms and face, I was told that he got hurt while playing.

If he has told the OCL about the abuse, should I still be worried about losing the custody?

What should I do if OCL does recognize and document that he was being abused by his mom? Should I move for restricting the access or have it changed to supervised access?

What if OCL ignores this and does nothing about it? How can I get independent evidence of this abuse? I know CAS won't listen if allegations are against the mother. Its very hard for me to explain but my son starts shivering if you even joke about him living with his mom. I need some guidance on how to handle this delicate situation without making it worse.

Thanks in advance.

[twice_bitten]

It makes me ill to hear of your child's bruising. I witnessed the same on my own children at the hands of their mother (my first wife). We lived in Quebec at the time, so jurisdiction was different. When I brought the issue up with the authorities (both police and DPJ) I ended up with a blackened reputation: I was the one putting the kids up to accusing their mom; I was actively alienating the children; I was using the children to attack their mother as revenge for her accusing me of kidnapping. It was all completely sureal. I came to the conclusion that my ex would have to break a bone or worse in front of witnesses before anything would be done.
In the end, my ex and her boyfriend were imprudent enough to physically reprimand two of my children and leave major bruising and scratching that still showed purple and green five days after the event IN ONTARIO. By this time, I was living IN ONTARIO. When I saw the marks, I immediately took the children to the Ottawa Police, who took pictures and called in the CAS. Although CAS couldn't do anything because the children were already wards of DPJ in Quebec, the police pictures took care of everything. The end result was that my ex dropped all her litigation against me (more than a dozen over three years) AND agreed that the two children would come live with me full time. On the other hand, I still had to pay child support to her for my third child who was older and chose to remain with his mother. Still, that was a small price to pay for saving the younger ones and for gaining some amount of peace in our lives.
I don't know the answer, but if there are physical marks have the police GET IT DOCUMENTED WITH PICTURES! That is the only thing that worked in my case.
Good luck, especially for your child!

[Kimberley]

When my ex's girlfriend harmed my son I called the police to notify them, and then took my son to the hospital. The doctor checked him out complete to ensure there were no internal problems due to one of the massive bruises being at the location of his kidneys. Then I signed the waiver to allow the doctor's report to be part of the record. From there we went to the police station where written statements and oral (DVD recorded) statements where done. The police were incredible and patient with the kids. They brought in a photographer & pictures were taken then, but the procedure was repeated 3 days later as the external healing was in the works, and additional pictures were taken as you could clearly see that a weapon due to the very specifically shaped welts. What I'm still working to get past is the guilt I feel about it all. While I know it's not my fault, it's not easy to forget something so horrible happened to your child. All the best to you & your children.

[dadtotheend]

If you recall my previous posts, we have OCL on board. They have done their interviewing. Don't know what happens next but I think they will get the collateral information now - school, doctor, references etc etc.

How did the observation visit go for you?

I am also taking my son for individual counselling as I thought it would be helpful for him to air out some grievances he's been keeping inside and letting out little by little here and there. Shocking revelations! He is now telling that his mother was hitting him on almost daily basis and some times leaving bruises. She was shaming him for being too much of a daddy's boy and probably feeling jealous and insecure (which I don't understand why). Anyways, I am pretty sure he has told the OCL about the past physical abuse and current emotional and psychological abuse.

Who is he telling this to? Whoever it is, including you, has a legal obligation to call in the CAS. If it's being told to the counsellor, then he/she ESPECIALLY has to advise the CAS. This information will surely be relayed to the OCL investigator. It is IMPERATIVE that this person has been disclosed to the investigator and that the two parents have signed the waivers necessary to allow him/her to talk with the OCL.

So far I have been working very hard to keep him motivated to see his mother. Now it seems that I am not doing anything to protect him enough from all of this. There were few occasions when I did see her hitting him but I assumed she had stopped after I gave her very harsh warnings. As per my son now, she was threatening him for more serious punishments if he tried to tell me about it. When I questioned about bruises on his arms and face, I was told that he got hurt while playing.

As horrible as it is, you can't blame yourself for what she did. Abusers are very clever about concealing their abuse. What is most reprehensible is the emotional damage to your son, particularly in being coerced into keeping it a secret. What you have written here needs to be disclosed to the OCL investigator.

If he has told the OCL about the abuse, should I still be worried about losing the custody?.

Of course not, he is doing well with you and in school, as you have written in the past. It's his Mom that should be losing custody. In fact, Mom could very well be looking at supervised access until she demonstrates that she is dealing with her problem.

What should I do if OCL does recognize and document that he was being abused by his mom? Should I move for restricting the access or have it changed to supervised access?.

Now that the OCL is involved, let them make that recomendation. If the danger is immediate, then you should discuss it with the investigator and consider an emergency motion.

What if OCL ignores this and does nothing about it? How can I get independent evidence of this abuse? I know CAS won't listen if allegations are against the mother. Its very hard for me to explain but my son starts shivering if you even joke about him living with his mom. I need some guidance on how to handle this delicate situation without making it worse.

The collateral sources will be your independant evidence i.e. the counsellor, teachers, doctors, other caregivers. Make sure the ones who know about this are talking to the OCL.

Obviously, you know your son better than anyone, but if the OCL investigator is unable to read the signs you are describing, something is terribly wrong.