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iona6656 · #11 09-03-2019, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tayken

As for a recommendation:

https://familysolutionstoronto.ca/te...e-vanbetlehem/

Tayken with the most useful suggestion. lol.

Here are four recommended by my lawyer in the GTA:

Stella Kavoukian - stella.connections@gmail.com
Shely Polak - shely.polak@gmail.com
Howard Hurwitz - howardhhurwitz@gmail.com
Christine Kim - info@christinekimmediation.com

I heard very good things about Howard Hurwitz, but he was fully booked and not accepting new families when I was looking (but that was last November).

OpenSesame · #12 09-03-2019, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656

Also, PCs only have decision making authority if both parents give them that. Doesn�t sound like in your case- either parent would agree to that.

What�s the big issue with school in February? Is it because they disagree whether the youngest goes to Montessori? v JK at public school?

She wants a PC involved at this point. He took her to court over school.. not all the way. They settled at the courthouse. But she was pretty pissed.

And yes they disagree about public versus private Montessori school. He�s a former public school teacher for high school math. Firm believer that Montessori education is best and there would be no cost for her to send them. She doesn�t want to do it though because it�s far (30min drive). Her nanny can walk the kids to and from the local public school. Montessori isn�t worth the commitment in her view.

OpenSesame · #13 09-03-2019, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iona6656

What's changed now, from two years ago? Other than the kids are older and easier to take care of?

Actually what their mother is proposing isn�t nuts. A child focused PC will probably tell you transitioning toddlers to 50/50 in four months- who have only known one parent as the caregiver is actually nuts.

What has changed is that the father moved to live within 4 minutes drive of her home (previously he was 1h30 away). This happened November 2018.

Is it really fair to say they�ve only known one parent as caregiver? She�s not a SHM. She leaves the house at 7:30a and returns at 6:30p each day. The real caregiver is the live-in nanny who is with them 24/7. Part of his struggle and issue is that he�s so close and able to take care of them but the nanny has more rights than he does at this point. He�s been seeing them consistently on Wednesday�s and weekends and takes them to extracurriculars during the week because she can�t.

iona6656 · #14 09-03-2019, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OpenSesame

What has changed is that the father moved to live within 4 minutes drive of her home (previously he was 1h30 away). This happened November 2018.

who moved when they separated?

Quote:

Is it really fair to say they�ve only known one parent as caregiver?

Yes.

As to the battle- you want to listen to what Janus said.

Quote:

She�s not a SHM. She leaves the house at 7:30a and returns at 6:30p each day. The real caregiver is the live-in nanny who is with them 24/7. Part of his struggle and issue is that he�s so close and able to take care of them but the nanny has more rights than he does at this point. He�s been seeing them consistently on Wednesday�s and weekends and takes them to extracurriculars during the week because she can�t.

So what? Those are my hours too sometimes. Most days I'm home by 5:30...but shockingly- some days I don't even see my kid before work as I go in early or (gasp!) go to the gym before work. My mother is my daughter's before and afterschool care. Prior to her starting preschool- she was essentially her "nanny". Is your argument that the nanny does all the parenting? do you have evidence that mom is at the clubs on weeknights instead of putting kids to bed?

My ex tried that argument that he's available to be before and afterschool care. Our PC said what the courts will say: childcare on mom's time is covered by mom. Childcare on dad's time is covered by dad.

PCs are useful- they are. But both parents need to go into it with a realistic expectation of what they would get in court. From there- work it backwards and get the PC to help do a child focused transitional schedule.

OpenSesame · #15 09-03-2019, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus

The mother is not open to 50/50, she is stalling. She will never voluntarily give 50/50. The only way you are getting 50/50 is in court.

You do not need a parenting coordinator. You have nothing to coordinate. You are about to have a war with the mother, or you are about to concede completely and watch the kids fade out of your partner's life.

I wholeheartedly agree. She's just stalling. Is it a war he can win though?

Quote:

If an agreement is financially unfair, then it can be thrown out. Money can be redistributed.

It is financially unfair. At least that is his opinion. His lawyer agrees. Even his ex's lawyer acknowledges so.. I think it's safe to say that section will be set aside.

Quote:

Kids though are heavily governed by status quo and best interests. Your partner currently has 0% overnights.

She has actually just capitulated and they are now moving to a new schedule which is 3:30p - 7p on Wednesdays (an extension of 1.5h) and Friday from 3:30p overnight to Saturday at 7p which now adds an overnight and increases his visit to include a third day (previously just one day on the weekend from 8:30a-7p). She did this on instruction from her lawyer that if she went to court over the overnights she would lose.

Is best interests not governed by the principle of "maximum contact"? Somewhere along this journey that came up so I have been operating under the assumption that the courts believe it is in the best interests of the children to maximize contact with both parents, so long as there is no impediment (i.e. they're both good citizens, live reasonably close, etc.). Am I wrong in thinking that?

Quote:

Resend your proposal, but make it over the next two years instead of the next four months.

Personally (as a mother myself) I thought the schedule was a bit aggressive although I agree with you that children are extremely adaptable. My gut feeling is that the most important part of any transition is exercising it with confidence (i.e. if it's clear mom or dad is unhappy they can make it more difficult for the children by charging the situation).

He is getting a new lawyer so at this point I don't think we'll be sending anything but I will definitely make the suggestion to revise the schedule. The first lawyer was nice but hasn't been able to give any clear direction about anything. Soon as she talks us into one path she starts talking us out of it... maybe that's just lawyers for you!

OpenSesame · #16 09-03-2019, 01:16 PM

@iona6656

If you don't mind my asking, why doesn't the father have more access in your case? Is there a specific reason? Personal question I know.. obviously don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, I'm just curious and trying to understand your perspective.

Also thank you for the recommendations!!

Janus · #17 09-03-2019, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OpenSesame

Is best interests not governed by the principle of "maximum contact"?

Maximum contact that would be in the best interests of the child.

Reading between the lines... maximum contact is not really a thing. In practice judges usually find that for kids who are not failing out of school, maintaining the status quo is usually a good option and in the best interests of the kid.

Even when the custodial parent sucks, judges still like to keep kids with their habitual parent.

Quote:

Somewhere along this journey that came up so I have been operating under the assumption that the courts believe it is in the best interests of the children to maximize contact with both parents, so long as there is no impediment (i.e. they're both good citizens, live reasonably close, etc.). Am I wrong in thinking that?

The government had an opportunity a couple years ago to pass a law that would have created a rebuttable presumption of shared parenting. They did not pass the bill. In fact, it died very quickly and never came even remotely close to being passed.

What you are saying represents what family law should be, but not what it is.

Quote:

She has actually just capitulated

Don't get too excited. He hasn't even reached the "normal" non-custodial parent plateau yet of every other weekend. Expect one more "capitulation" (Fri-Sun) and then to hit a brick wall.

iona6656 · #18 09-03-2019, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OpenSesame

@iona6656

If you don't mind my asking, why doesn't the father have more access in your case? Is there a specific reason? Personal question I know.. obviously don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, I'm just curious and trying to understand your perspective.

Also thank you for the recommendations!!

It's okay- my history is all in my posts on this forum. Probably to my detriment as it sometimes makes me a target of some of the posters on this board.

My daughter's father has anger management issues, is the kind way to put it. It was mostly directed at me during the marriage. But after our D3 was born, he sometimes put his anger above her well being. The day we separated- shit hit the fan, and he made a very specific and horrible threat of violence against our daughter. And me. And just generally did some screwy shit. Criminal charges followed. He says it was his wakeup call. I hope it was.

Since then- we've gone through the litigation process- but settled with the help of our lawyers, and a good coparent therapist, who is trained in domestic violence, to work on a plan that ensures D3 gets parenting time with both parents- while affording me some reasonable protections. That's how I got sole custody- but even then there are a lot of provisions in our final order to ensure he gets consulted on decisions related to D3's health and education. I just have final say if we can't agree.

Ex is working up to EOW- from Friday after school to drop off at school Monday morning. And Wednesday - Thursday overnights (from school to school). When she's 6, we'll meet again with our PC.

If you feel judgment coming from me- it's because it is.

Your situation kind of feels like dad has someone to help with kids (you)- and has some sellers regret (cause the first agreement is him taking the easy out) and now wants more time with kids as they're easier to take care of.

But even if that's true or not- if dad isn't a safety risk and can take care of the kids- he should absolutely get more time with his kids- regardless of his motivations.

But I'm with Janus- I don't think you guys are getting it outside of litigation. If you want to save the legal fees- get a good PC to convince mom to work up to the EOW + 1 midweek. With a hard date on when you guys can reassess custody and access WITHOUT a material change in circumstances. If dad has been a great dad and the kids are okay- mom would have a hella hard time proving that he shouldn't have shared custody 50/50.

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