Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Thoughts on 4 way meetings??

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    I had 1 4 way and I think it was worth it. I would not have done more than 1 4 way though. It was getting a bit ridiculous going back and forth in emails what could be said with a 10 minute conversation, and ex refused to speak with me. The other benefit, which my lawyer told me, is that it lets each lawyer know what the other person is up to and gets truth on the table, because sometimes people do not tell their lawyer the whole story and the lawyer can only advise on what they know, At a 4 way the lawyer might get a better idea of reality and can then advise their client better. I have no doubt that was the situation in my case! It didnt resolve it imediately because my ex's response after the 4 way was to fire his lawyer. But I think it still helped and showed I was pretty firm in my position and within 6 months an agreement was signed.
    The irony of it, was in the end the agreement was pretty much exactly what I had suggested when we first separated. Still took 1.5 years, 1 trip to court and about 17000 for my costs alone, plus whatever ex spent. Such a waste. And reading on here I know I should count myself lucky it only took that long.

    Comment


    • #17
      Thanks Denigh! Sadly I declined the meeting already. Although after I declined it my ex sent about half of the arrears he owed for sect 7’s. I think he is trying to clean his hands for ocl he is meeting in two days. He is now asking for some of the things I offered in the court papers. I can’t agree to anything as whenever I try to compromise I get nasties emails back.

      I’m hoping he will ask lawyer to ask my lawyer. Then when my reasons come back to him from my lawyer he has to has accept them and not send me a nasty email and be malicious and condescending.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

      Comment


      • #18
        You both hired lawyers so there is no need to have any communication whatsoever with your ex. I haven’t communicated with my ex for seven years. Not face to face, not by phone, not by email, not by carrier pigeon. Any and all communication goes through the lawyers including anything to do with the kids. I have no intention of communicating with him once our divorce is final either!

        You have the right not to have to communicate with him. Especially since you have a lawyer. Do not make the mistake of trusting your ex. There are lawyers involved. This is war and don’t ever forget that.
        Either ignore his emails or redirect him to your lawyer. End of story. If he doesn’t sign and accept your legal offer the way your lawyer wrote it ...Too bad. So sad. No extra time. Everything stays the same.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by Stillbreathing View Post
          You both hired lawyers so there is no need to have any communication whatsoever with your ex. I haven’t communicated with my ex for seven years. Not face to face, not by phone, not by email, not by carrier pigeon. Any and all communication goes through the lawyers including anything to do with the kids. I have no intention of communicating with him once our divorce is final either!



          You have the right not to have to communicate with him. Especially since you have a lawyer. Do not make the mistake of trusting your ex. There are lawyers involved. This is war and don’t ever forget that.

          Either ignore his emails or redirect him to your lawyer. End of story. If he doesn’t sign and accept your legal offer the way your lawyer wrote it ...Too bad. So sad. No extra time. Everything stays the same.


          Thanks Still Breathing!! I am a little bit of a wimp when it comes to my kids and court stuff. I don’t want my actions to affect my case negatively. My ex an gf are highly manipulative. Again a good reason not to answer them.
          Also they accused myself and partner of lies and made up false accusations. Then they ask to get the kids earlier on pickup day. That would leave my partner to send them off and have to be alone for the pickup from my home. So since they can’t be trusted no way I could put my partner in that position to send the children off while I am at work. They specifically ask for 4:30 pm pickup. And not from school which is odd.
          When it’s been 7pm the past 5 years. They were offered Sunday night extension to weekend and are not interested.

          Why is it I feel so guilty for not compromising??? I mean I have tried in the past and it basically gets spat on each time. Which is what your exactly right and I don’t need to respond. They have already been told changes to access through Lawyers.

          Also they harass me via email. 7-10 emails each weekend my children are with dad!! It’s crazy. It’s like my weekend gets highjacked every time!! Even by me not answering them it’s stressful to see them keep coming in.






          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

          Comment


          • #20
            Try to get the other side to agree to Our Family Wizard as a mode of communication. I believe someone on here once mentioned that it has a "tone" monitor and is set up to ensure communication is child-centered.

            In the meantime I'd get a new email address for your day-to-day communication with friends, etc. Keep the old one and put a "bounce-back" message on it that says that only communication which is child-focussed and relevant will be answered (or something to that effect - others on here will have idea)

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by arabian View Post
              Try to get the other side to agree to Our Family Wizard as a mode of communication. I believe someone on here once mentioned that it has a "tone" monitor and is set up to ensure communication is child-centered.

              In the meantime I'd get a new email address for your day-to-day communication with friends, etc. Keep the old one and put a "bounce-back" message on it that says that only communication which is child-focussed and relevant will be answered (or something to that effect - others on here will have idea)


              This is an excellent idea!!! They more or less forced me to only use email. Lawyer had requested wizard three times now. They tried to ask for interim email only order. Lol. I think the judge would just say sure. Family wizard it is!!!

              The emails are somewhat about the kids. But it’s stuff they do not need to be communicating or asking about. They have consents to everything to get info themselves direct from the source. They have been told any access changes are Togo through counsel. He decided to pay some arrears. Paid what he wanted a day before his ocl meeting. Guess me saying no to the 4 way made him want to clean his hands a little. And then a day later sends another email asking if I get the transfer. I am pretty sure you can see in your bank it’s been accepted ??? It actually feels good to not answer. Although I know I will be getting another lawyers fax. Always seems to be Friday afternoons too.

              I did give them a new email address and I have to physically go log in on the internet to see the emails. So it’s not always worrying me to check email on my phone now.

              I so love your suggestion about the bounce back!!!! Perhaps it should say please only contact me when you are ready to do so through the wizard!!


              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

              Comment


              • #22
                naw... this is an opportunity for you to look like you are much bigger, wiser and stronger.

                have a message that says "I am unable to respond to your email. I know you will agree that our children are our most important, cherished asset. Therefore, I will reply only to emails which are child-focused. Hope you have a great day!"

                or something like that LOL (others will have much better ideas I'm sure).

                Comment


                • #23
                  The best 4-way meeting method I have seen was with a mediator who would arbitrate any issues not resolved. You and your ex sit in the room and your lawyers argue it out with the mediator to try and find resolution. The mediator reminds the parties that he/she will arbitrate if they can't agree and try's to find fair middle group based on experience, etc.

                  Expensive, about $1000 an hour for the mediator for 3x lawyers in a room. But if all parties are motivated to avoid court and arbitration it could be successful. Took a friend of mine 4-6 hours of mediation for their ex to back down and settle.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    I so glad not responding feels good. I feel like that too. Cutting down on the emails helps a lot and you dont feel stress everytime you open your email.I used to get a lot of , you didnt tell me about xyz school event, even though I infomred school of email. I know the school sends him emails because once in a whilethey forget to blind cc and his nameis on the list. The last time he did that I calming reply that I learn about events by actually reading the newsletters. I havent heard anything on that topic since. I always debate if I should ask if he is going or not, but then think, he has to take some resposiblity of his own and show up and read school communications if he wants to. so once in awhile he shows up to something and mostly doesnt.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Took a friend of mine 4-6 hours of mediation for their ex to back down and settle.
                      This is the hard part to accept, such a waste of money. Our agreement is pretty much exactly what I suggested to begin with, yet a huge amount of resources spent on both sides to have in agreed to. I dont really understand why some ex's just stick in their heels, if it is pride or cant acept the realtinship is over and trying to drag it on, of what.

                      In my case at first it was access, ex wanted more than I had suggested, and based on the lack of involvement with kids prior and some serious issues I wasnt willing to change that. In the end the agreement is exactly what I had suggested and ex doesnt even take all the access he can have with it anyways! He can have more than he takes, if he wanted to. And if there is ever a need for him to work or go away on his time he thinks it is just a given I am 100% available. So I am not really sure why he asked for more time when doesnt even take the time I had suggested and we eventually agreed on. I do think that was pride.

                      The rest of the time is was just draggin things out, not discloing things quickly, saying I should have 0$ SS. That I think was because he hates me for divorcing him.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by denbigh View Post
                        I so glad not responding feels good. I feel like that too. Cutting down on the emails helps a lot and you dont feel stress everytime you open your email.I used to get a lot of , you didnt tell me about xyz school event, even though I infomred school of email. I know the school sends him emails because once in a whilethey forget to blind cc and his nameis on the list. The last time he did that I calming reply that I learn about events by actually reading the newsletters. I havent heard anything on that topic since. I always debate if I should ask if he is going or not, but then think, he has to take some resposiblity of his own and show up and read school communications if he wants to. so once in awhile he shows up to something and mostly doesnt.


                        Yes I did the same. I sent him the link to sign up for the school newsletter. He missed parent teacher night. Oh well. I have proof I sent it. We are not messengers. I do send report cards and other things. Although I’m not sure if I should because he has consent to speak to the school and get these things himself.


                        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          I do scan the report cards and send them, just so the kids dont have to be seen getting 2 envelopes, and keep them out of it. they send them home with the kids at our school

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by denbigh View Post
                            I do scan the report cards and send them, just so the kids dont have to be seen getting 2 envelopes, and keep them out of it. they send them home with the kids at our school


                            Same here!! So I scan them as well.


                            Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                            Comment

                            Our Divorce Forums
                            Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                            Working...
                            X