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  • The use of Ex...

    This is either General or a Parenting issue, and it's just my point of view..

    After the mandatory PAS course offered by Alberta Justice, I thought it would be a good idea to take the optional Focus on Children In Seperation Course that Alberta Justice had to offer..

    Great way to meet other bitter divorcee's

    One of the first messages the Instructor delivered was the one that has been most persistent.. She said you should never refer to the childrens other parent as your X.. She said the tone that most of us use when we put another human being in the context of X is easily interpretted negatively by children.

    When I talk about my former spouse in front of the kids it is always Mom, Mommy, your Mother.. But I try and say it in a way that makes it sound positive. When I talk to others it is almost always "the Childrens Mother"..

    I slip every once in awhile, but I find not using the terms X or ex keeps me more positive about a human being who has made my life a living hell for longer than I care to think about..

    Just a thought.. I see so many people on so many threads using ex, and it always makes me think of that FOCIS course.

  • #2
    What a fantastic suggestion! Thank you so much for sharing this tidbit. I am definitely going to make an effort to do this as well...

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    • #3
      Yeah, I'm trying to avoid using the "f..king bitch" but sometimes I slip too.

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      • #4
        LOL rszalai!

        Epinecone, kuddos to you for taking the time to attend these seminars. You truly have your children's interest at heart!

        My husband and I always refer to his son's mother as "Son's mom" and have done so since the very beginning. The word "ex" never comes to mind... primarily because my husband and his son's mother were never in a relationship, other than a one-night-stand... and it actually irks my husband when people assume she's his ex. Mainly because he feels that he was way too drunk the night of their encounter to realize that she was someone he would never approach if ge were sober. But, that's all in the past... no going back. And I do agree that "child's mother" sounds a lot more positive than "the ex." Thanks for sharing!

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        • #5
          After my parents separated it was always "your father" or "your mother". It really did take away the negative connotations for me as a child. That is why I have always tried to refer to my ex as "daddy" or "your dad" or even by his first name. She calls him "my daddy" when she talks to me about him, like she realizes that he is not "mine" anymore!

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          • #6
            Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
            ... primarily because my husband and his son's mother were never in a relationship, other than a one-night-stand... and it actually irks my husband when people assume she's his ex. Mainly because he feels that he was way too drunk the night of their encounter to realize that she was someone he would never approach if ge were sober. ...
            Damn StepMom, I cringe every time you put the night your step child was conceived in this light, and given the many many times you have posted this unnecessary information, I seriously doubt that you keep this disgusting attitude away from the child. I know I've said this before, but for the sake of that child, STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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            • #7
              Dear Billm,

              I thought we had settled this. I have already explained to you that, given the amount of new members and new situations (that aren't divorces), this is in no way ill-intentioned. I explain our particular situation the way it is... and as disgusting as you may find it, it is nothing more than the truth. And as unnecessary as you may find it, it is helpful to those new members who are in a similar situation. I have received several PM's from members asking for advice because they too had conceived a child in similar fashion.

              This forum is great, but it primarily deals with issues of divorce or separation (common law) and many people to whom that does not apply feel that they don't quite "belong" in a divorce forum. It is wonderful that we can share information, experiences, and give one another advice on these topics. New members who find themselves in a similar situation as my husband's may not be aware that they can obtain a lot of great information and advice, simply because family law is the same when it comes to children... regardless whether it is a divorce, separation, or "never-lived-together" situation.

              I'm sorry that our particular situation upsets you. However, the sharing of my story has helped several members, and I feel that is what we are here to do. Am I wrong?

              I know, personally, that if I were a father or mother who has a child from a brief sexual encounter, that I would feel more comfortable knowing that I can get help and advice from others who are also in the same situation.

              I hope this helps clarify things. Again, I have no ill-intentions nor disrespect for my husband, my (step)son, or his mother. We have a wonderful relationship despite the circumstance in which it happened. And after speaking with my husband - after the first time you raised your opinion with me - I know that he feels the same... that if our story can help someone else going through what he/we went through, then it's definitely worth telling... because he would have loved to meet someone in his situation to talk to when he first found out that he was a father.

              I do hope you can understand.

              Regards,
              StepMom
              Last edited by #1StepMom; 08-09-2010, 01:03 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                Dear Billm,

                I thought we had settled this. I have already explained to you that, given the amount of new members and new situations (that aren't divorces), this is in no way ill-intentioned. I explain our particular situation the way it is... and as disgusting as you may find it, it is nothing more than the truth. And as unnecessary as you may find it, it is helpful to those new members who are in a similar situation. I have received several PM's from members asking for advice because they too had conceived a child in similar fashion.

                This forum is great, but it primarily deals with issues of divorce or separation (common law) and many people to whom that does not apply feel that they don't quite "belong" in a divorce forum. It is wonderful that we can share information, experiences, and give one another advice on these topics. New members who find themselves in a similar situation as my husband's may not be aware that they can obtain a lot of great information and advice, simply because family law is the same when it comes to children... regardless whether it is a divorce, separation, or "never-lived-together" situation.

                I'm sorry that our particular situation upsets you. However, the sharing of my story has helped several members, and I feel that is what we are here to do. Am I wrong?

                I know, personally, that if I were a father or mother who has a child from a brief sexual encounter, that I would feel more comfortable knowing that I can get help and advice from others who are also in the same situation.

                I hope this helps clarify things. Again, I have no ill-intentions nor disrespect for my husband, my (step)son, or his mother. We have a wonderful relationship despite the circumstance in which it happened. And after speaking with my husband - after the first time you raised your opinion with me - I know that he feels the same... that if our story can help someone else going through what he/we went through, then it's definitely worth telling... because he would have loved to meet someone in his situation to talk to when he first found out that he was a father.

                I do hope you can understand.

                Regards,
                StepMom
                Sorry, perhaps I am not being clear - the fact that the step child was conceived not in a relationship is not what I find disgusting. It is a point of interest in this forum.

                It is the context in to which you seem compelled to put the event in - drunk, taken advantage of (older woman), not worthy of your husbands affection, a mistake, ... that I find disgusting, yet you don't seem to get it. Why not simply state 'my step child was conceived in a one night stand', or 'conceived by two people who never had a relationship', and FORGET the other crap.

                I won't take the time to search out all the times you have put it into a context that if the child heard it would be detrimental, but every time you do, I cringe for the child on so many levels.

                IMHO

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                • #9
                  Personally I would rather she vent here on the forums, rather than in a setting where the child may be exposed. From what I have read, she is very adamant that she does NOT do this where the child may be exposed to it, despite some very stressful and foolish behavior from the Stepson's mother.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by billm View Post
                    Sorry, perhaps I am not being clear - the fact that the step child was conceived not in a relationship is not what I find disgusting. It is a point of interest in this forum.

                    It is the context in to which you seem compelled to put the event in - drunk, taken advantage of (older woman), not worthy of your husbands affection, a mistake, ... that I find disgusting, yet you don't seem to get it. Why not simply state 'my step child was conceived in a one night stand', or 'conceived by two people who never had a relationship', and FORGET the other crap.

                    I won't take the time to search out all the times you have put it into a context that if the child heard it would be detrimental, but every time you do, I cringe for the child on so many levels.

                    IMHO
                    Thank you for the clarification. Let me ask you... if you - at any point in your life - felt regret, severe depression, resentment, etc., from a situation such as that which occured to my husband at the age of 19, due to "a drunken one-night-stand" (which was the actual case in this situation)... would you not want to have known that there was someone else who perhaps understood what you were going through and who perhaps thought the same things and felt those same emotions? Would you not want to find someone who would be able to give you some hope that things will eventually work themselves out? That it's not "the end of my life," as my husband felt in this situation?

                    Billm, I have read several articles when my husband was first dealing with becoming a father in the way that he did (in a desperate attempt to help him through his severe depression, anger, and suicide-contemplation) and found that there was a very large percentage of new fathers in similar situations who committed suicide or fled the province or country. My husband was not the first man who conceived a child in this way, and I'm sure he wasn't the last either. If our story can help a man in a similar situation... help him become a loving and responsible father like my husband had become... then I feel that telling the complete truth of the situation is worth it.

                    Perhaps this is where our opinions differ.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                      Personally I would rather she vent here on the forums, rather than in a setting where the child may be exposed. From what I have read, she is very adamant that she does NOT do this where the child may be exposed to it, despite some very stressful and foolish behavior from the Stepson's mother.
                      Thank you NBDad. You are completely correct. My husband and I never speak poorly of his mother around him, nor do we act in any way that would give the child any idea that we dislike her. We are always very encouraging of his relationship with her and are genuinely interested in his stories from his time in her care. As a result, he feel very comfortable and excited sharing these stories with us. When speaking to him we always refer to her as "your mom" and always in a positive (or indifferent) tone. We have always tried VERY hard to make sure that he didn't feel any tension between us, and continue in these efforts. Heck, my stepson's mom called me today to ask a question about the camp I enrolled him in... and we chatted for a few minutes about his health and behaviour! And my stepson was with me at the time and could hear both parts of the conversation! He realizes that my husband and I are not "best friends" with his mother, but knows that we are "friends" enough to be kind and courteous and act in his best interest... despite, as you mentioned, some of her very stressful and foolish behaviour. (Which he is beginning to recognize on his own now.)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                        If our story can help a man in a similar situation... help him become a loving and responsible father like my husband had become... then I feel that telling the complete truth of the situation is worth it.

                        Perhaps this is where our opinions differ.
                        Your story and your pm's helped me out a lot when I first got on here even though I'm not a dad! Thanks for that

                        Just adding my 2 cents worth on the X title- I totally agree and use 'your dad' or just 'dad'

                        But I was at the park the other day and overheard a lady, who was with three kids, refer to the two oldest kids as 'my husband's children fom a prior relationship' and I thought, wow, what a nice title you give them! Such a mouthful when 'my step kids' get the idea across just as well. And I had to wonder if the step-kids refered to her when speaking to otheres as ' my father's current wife, or my father's second wife' (implying that there might be a version 3.0?

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                        • #13
                          When talking to the children (sorry, teen and child), I refer to my ex as their Dad. On Thursdays, one goes with their father, so I'll ask, "Who goes with your Dad tonight?".
                          When there is infrequent communication between the ex and I, I refer to the children by their names or "the boys" -- I don't own our sons, so I won't write something along the line, "My eldest son has...", though to read the words of the ex, he owns the kids and created them all by himself!

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                          • #14
                            Now now, just because he was so awful in bed you fell asleep on him

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                              My husband and I never speak poorly of his mother around him, nor do we act in any way that would give the child any idea that we dislike her. We are always very encouraging of his relationship with her and are genuinely interested in his stories from his time in her care.
                              Fair enough. That's good to know.

                              But I think what billm is getting at is why do you always qualify the conception of the child as a drunken one night stand with a woman that would never be worthy of the father's sober attention?

                              Two things come to mind:

                              1)If one-night mama is going to get run down and slagged, isn't it fair to tar Dad's character too? You know that he drunk f***ed her? A 2 at 10 and a 10 at 2? Good from afar, but far from good? Double bagger, one for her and one for him in case hers falls off?

                              2)Does it somehow validate you? You know that he doesn't have to be drunk to get with you?

                              Just wondering.

                              And BTW, I'm wasn't without sin in my younger days, so go ahead and tar me too.

                              Comment

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