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can he get 50 50 custody

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  • #16
    Originally posted by scaredmama View Post
    What does "containment of the child" mean?
    And yes this is emotional. The thought of my daughter living with him for a week at a time when he doesn't and hasn't paid her any attention, doesn't tell her he loves her, isn't involved in her life or her upbringing, is very emotional.
    He may say he wants it, but so far he has not proven it. Can he just say "well ill start doing that"? Doesn't there have to be proof?
    Did they make you write a test, and prove yourself before you gave birth?

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    • #17
      Originally posted by OhMy View Post
      This can be when the financial implications (realization) come into play. However, the maximum contact rule should apply if he is a good and loving father. It would be much different if he only started requesting this several months or years afterwards.
      This is a common falacy. If the parents have 50/50 custody, both parents are supporting the child equally. The financial costs would be exactly split, other than section 7 costs which would be split according to proportionate income.

      50/50 does not save a parent any money compared to a CP/NCP situation. A parent would be buying clothes, groceries, providing transportation, taking time off work when the child is ill, covering costs of toys and entertainment, recreational activities, everything in an equal amount to the other parent.

      The difference is that one parent is not in full control of the money intended for support of the child. The control is shared; each parent spends on the child when the child is in residence with that parent.

      There is no sudden revelation that it is cheaper to seek 50/50, because it isn't cheaper. There may be a revelation that one parent would be losing 90% of contact with the child. The financial responsibility is equal either way. With set-off payments, many have argued that the paying parent is still "overpaying"; certainly they are still providing support payments to the other parent.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by scaredmama View Post
        What does "containment of the child" mean?
        Protecting them from the negative circumstances surrounding their parents' split. Don't let your negative opinion of her dad show to your child. Also, keeping the child's life as minimally affected by the break up as possible. Avoiding abrupt changes to the child's routine. Stay in the same school/daycare, neighbourhood and activities, for example. Contain the collateral damage of the adult relationship breakdown.

        Originally posted by scaredmama View Post
        And yes this is emotional. The thought of my daughter living with him for a week at a time when he doesn't and hasn't paid her any attention, doesn't tell her he loves her, isn't involved in her life or her upbringing, is very emotional.
        He may say he wants it, but so far he has not proven it. Can he just say "well ill start doing that"? Doesn't there have to be proof?
        Nope. He is her father, she deserves to have equal time with him now that the marriage is over, and this might be the kick in the pants he needs to step up to the plate and be a dad.

        However, a gradual increase from the access he has now to 50-50 a few years down the road is a perfectly reasonable proposal. See above note for minimizing abrupt changes to the child's routine.

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        • #19
          And what would that do to my daughter?? For him to take her and then give her back??
          And I have been working with 2 child therapists to ensure my daughters best interests are first and foremost and they believe it is best that I have full custody as well. I also spoke with a legal aid attorney and the key is the primary caregiver which is and always has been me. A friend recommeneded me to this site because they said there was a lot of useful information. What if he leaves everything status quo until my daughter finishes school in june? That is when we are supposed to move out of our family home. Then it would 7 months that I would already have full custody. It was his choice to leave without setting up any type of arrangement.

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          • #20
            A few years seems rather long... He has not been out of her life long and for all we know OP is playing gate keeper as she clearly wants the child with her and not him.

            There should be no reason that within the year 50-50 shouldn't be happening and like was stated, if he is a 'bad' father he won't follow through anyways.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by scaredmama View Post
              He may say he wants it, but so far he has not proven it. Can he just say "well ill start doing that"? Doesn't there have to be proof?
              The solution is a graduated schedule. Did you read that bit? If he doesn't step up RELIABLY during the weekends, then you know how much he is capable of.

              Whatever schedule you agree to, he has to commit to - and you too. i.e. there should be VERY few reasons to cancel/change his parenting days.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by scaredmama View Post
                And what would that do to my daughter?? For him to take her and then give her back??
                And I have been working with 2 child therapists to ensure my daughters best interests are first and foremost and they believe it is best that I have full custody as well. I also spoke with a legal aid attorney and the key is the primary caregiver which is and always has been me. A friend recommeneded me to this site because they said there was a lot of useful information. What if he leaves everything status quo until my daughter finishes school in june? That is when we are supposed to move out of our family home. Then it would 7 months that I would already have full custody. It was his choice to leave without setting up any type of arrangement.
                That would give your daughter the benefit of at least that brief time period of trial to be with her dad.

                Seems simple to me.

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                • #23
                  What does "gatekeeper" mean??

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                  • #24
                    you thnk she'll be harmed while in his care?
                    he is not capable of keeping her safe and sound?

                    I bet he is.

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                    • #25
                      Do you have any idea of the amount of RAW HELPLESS TERROR that dads experience when their ex's are playing gatekeeper??? This is the reason why every second weekend is so common - because they are so terrified to rock the boat lest they be denied access altogether. Going thru court to get access reinstated is not possible for many. Or, the primary parent moves away, and it's GAME OVER.

                      I have no idea if that is what is happening to your ex, but I just thought I'd throw it out there so you can get another viewpoint.

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                      • #26
                        unless he wears his pants around his knee's.

                        Then, maybe you have a point LOL

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                        • #27
                          Gate keeper = the one who controls who comes in/out.

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                          • #28
                            No I am not concerned she is in harm but I am worried about her emotional upbringing in his care, yes.
                            And no I am not concerned about child support at all. I would say no to it if necessary, my daughter being in a consistent, stable, loving environment is what is important.

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                            • #29
                              And what about her emotional upbringing? You do realize that moms and dads usually have different ways of expressing their love? Just because you say I love you 50 times a day and he may or may not say it at all, does not mean he does not love his daughter. Hell I don't remember my dad every telling me he loved me when I was little, but trust me, I knew he did and I was very close to him.

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                              • #30
                                I don't control anything. He says when he wants to see her and when. He has never chosen to take her anywhere, that's his choice. He has chosen to come to our home to see her, that is his choice. He can show up and leave whatever time he wants. He comes and goes as he pleases right now which I do not feel is appropriate as it is confusing to our daughter but I am not a "gatekeeper" as I will not stop him from seeing her. He simply does not make the effort. His actions speak louder than words.

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