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  • What are my options?

    I am custodial parent, Our final order states ex to have access to S10 EOW, Friaday after school to Monday morning and every wednesday to thursday mornings.
    Pickups are at school.



    She has unilterally canceled her accesses a few times (once even without telling), she doesn't ask me if she can cancel, she just announces that she isnt coming. I have had to make many changes to have our son picked up in those circumstances, she is usually ungrateful and downright insulting about it.



    Now she sent me an email announcing the same thing about coming wednesday and friday. the thing is this time around I am not here on those days and I can't even figure out anyone else to be available at the end of school times.



    I have told her that her access isn't optional and that she has to show up. she said she wont.



    What are my options legally?

  • #2
    uh, you find someone to pick up your child. You are the custodial parent. That is what you do.

    You get a babysitter and charge mom her portion of section 7 expenses. As for the weekend- looks like your plans got cancelled.

    Legally- you cannot force someone to parent.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by sahibjee View Post
      I am not here on those days and I can't even figure out anyone else to be available at the end of school times.
      This is a family emergency. A family emergency is a valid reason to opt out of work or whatever it is that you have planned.

      Respond to her: I agree to have S10 at those times and will be picking S10 from school on X date.

      Send an email to school with the mother copied on the email stating that You will be looking after child on the days. That if the school has any questions, to let you both know.

      PS. In cases of gaining parenting times from mom, I usually don't respond mom to agree. I just email the school and copy mom on it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by sahibjee View Post
        I am custodial parent, Our final order states ex to have access to S10 EOW, Friaday after school to Monday morning and every wednesday to thursday mornings. Pickups are at school.
        You are the custodial parent therefore you have the responsibility of making sure your child is cared for even when it is mom’s time.

        She has unilterally canceled her accesses a few times (once even without telling), she doesn't ask me if she can cancel, she just announces that she isnt coming. I have had to make many changes to have our son picked up in those circumstances, she is usually ungrateful and downright insulting about it.
        She doesn’t have to be grateful about you scrambling. It is your problem. You are the custodial parent. As iona said, you can’t force someone to be a parent.


        Now she sent me an email announcing the same thing about coming wednesday and friday. the thing is this time around I am not here on those days and I can't even figure out anyone else to be available at the end of school times.
        Well you better figure it out fast. Also figure out what happens to kid if you are hospitalized, stuck away from home, or dead. Because this is the reality for hundreds of parents who have an ex spouse who has disappeared.

        i have told her that her access isn't optional and that she has to show up. she said she wont.
        You can’t force someone to parent. To non custodial parents, time IS optional.


        What are my options legally?

        To make her parent? Zip zilch nada rien nothing. There is nothing you can do. If the courts could force someone to parent they would also be able to force parents to pay, provide parenting and not take custody away. If you need care and have to pay for it, you make her pay her share of the costs.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by jaycollins5888 View Post
          This is a family emergency. A family emergency is a valid reason to opt out of work or whatever it is that you have planned.

          Respond to her: I agree to have S10 at those times and will be picking S10 from school on X date.

          Send an email to school with the mother copied on the email stating that You will be looking after child on the days. That if the school has any questions, to let you both know.

          PS. In cases of gaining parenting times from mom, I usually don't respond mom to agree. I just email the school and copy mom on it.


          Read the first line of their post “I am the custodial parent”

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by sahibjee View Post
            I am custodial parent... I can't even figure out anyone else to be available at the end of school times.

            Welcome to being a parent. You figure something out. Maybe you pay for babysitting, or you pay for somebody to pick kid up, or you get a friend to help out, or you don't go to work.

            If this bothers you, contact CAS and they can step in and make the child a ward of the state.

            I have told her that her access isn't optional and that she has to show up. she said she wont.
            Non-custodial parents do not have mandatory parenting time. That is why they are non-custodial parents.

            What are my options legally?
            Well, if there is a pattern of not using parenting time and cancelling at the last second, you can certainly apply to the court to reduce the parenting time. For the next few weeks though, you do what you would do as a parent whenever a babysitter is sick or you have another similar issue.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              Read the first line of their post “I am the custodial parent”
              I already read that. In fact, that is the very first thing I read. You read it.

              After that, read the second sentence that says "Our final order states ex to have access to S10 EOW, Friaday after school to Monday morning and every wednesday to thursday mornings."

              And more importantly, read the third sentence that says "Pickups are at school."

              The reasons for my email was more so so he actually communicates back and confirms the change in plans and ensuring everyone on the same page.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by jaycollins5888 View Post
                I already read that. Don't get your panties in a bunch there.



                Read the second sentence that says "Our final order states ex to have access to S10 EOW, Friaday after school to Monday morning and every wednesday to thursday mornings."



                And more importantly, read the third sentence that says "Pickups are at school."


                Your initial response to OP was in the vein of forcing mom to accept what he wanted for his time and compared it to how you deal with your ex. He is the custodial parent. He doesn’t tell mom what he is going to do, he provides parenting time as outlined in their agreement. Your situation is not like his.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                  Your initial response to OP was in the vein of forcing mom to accept what he wanted for his time and compared it to how you deal with your ex. He is the custodial parent. He doesn’t tell mom what he is going to do, he provides parenting time as outlined in their agreement. Your situation is not like his.
                  It was not. Not even sure what on earth you are talking about. I am also a custodial parent. Doesn't give me any right to just show up at the school to pickup the child on days they expect mom without notice. What if mom changes her mind and shows up at school saying, well, you never got back to me to confirm ?

                  It's always best to communicate and confirm change of plans and ensure everyone is on the same page.
                  Last edited by Jeff; 09-10-2019, 02:16 PM. Reason: Remove offensive language

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    There’s a reason you are the custodial parent... because you’re the one responsible for the child when the other parent decides to be absent... as stated, you can’t force someone to be a parent, you can’t force her parenting time... it is what it is unfortunately for you


                    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thank you for your feedback everyone.
                      Just to clarify I have been taking care of my autistic son since he was in diapers and his mother left him to get married for the third (and now fourth) time. I am not new to parenting. I have done it for a number of years now. She has done these kinds of shenanigans all along, and I have taken care of things, it is just that this week my usual go-to people aren't available for pickup/drop offs

                      From what you guys are saying It does sound like the non-custodial parent has an enormous amount of control over the custodial parent's life without any repercussions. You might say babysitting costs are repercussions but she isn't even paying her due child support (pays $10/m to dodge FRO triggers) she isn't going to pay babysitting fees. And whenever she learns (from son) that I might have plans to be out of town, she pulls this crap, I have put up with this for a while but the bottom line is there should be some legal measures to curtail this kind of behavior. Oddly enough when she was the temp-custodial parent for a year, she would regularly dock my access citing her rights as a custodial parent and didn't even get a scolding from the judge, now that I am the custodial parent, she throws my custodial status in my face as some sort of a curse with impunity.


                      I like the reduction in access suggestion made above.

                      How many instances of no-show do I need to have to make an argument to have her access reduced to just EOW Saturday xx AM to Sunday xx PM? that way at least we'd get some uncertainity out of the way.

                      To eliminate the wednesday/thrusday and monday mornings would it matter that she drops off the autistic child at school while the doors are locked and before anyone is there without adult supervision? I learned about it only at the end of last school year but wouldn't want to have that repeated this year, especially since the winter is coming and he is at a new school
                      Last edited by sahibjee; 09-10-2019, 04:11 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You could tell her you want to change times to Sat-Sun but then she would expect a new order. If you want to do any changes you will need court since she seems like someone who will not agree to anything.

                        Never tell her your plans beforehand. Technically you just need to tell her how to reach you. Anything she can use to hold you hostage she will.

                        As for daycare, submit it to FRO anyway. They will collect. Eventually she will end up with enough in there to hit her really hard. They don’t close the file until ordered, agreed or paid. So keep sending in those bills!

                        It really sucks that you are in this position but your son benefits from your care and focus. Unfortunately there will be moments when it is super frustrating that you have to deal with this but at the end of the day, you have your son and eventually he will see who the better parent is.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          What are my options?

                          It’s my understanding that children on the spectrum thrive on consistency and predictability in their schedule. While it doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything to harm the child...is the lack of consistency affecting him?

                          Do you have a therapist who works with your son who could stress the importance of consistency to mom?

                          It doesn’t sound like immediate legal action is needed. But if her inconsistency is really hindering his care- then I think I would consider looking at alternative parenting times.

                          It’s annoying when the other parent flakes out...but it’s not really about you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by sahibjee View Post
                            From what you guys are saying It does sound like the non-custodial parent has an enormous amount of control over the custodial parent's life without any repercussions.

                            Just assume that the NCP will not be using their parenting time and plan accordingly. If they happen to actually pick up the kid, enjoy a good Netflix marathon or get caught up on chores.


                            Your ex controls you only as much as you let her control you.


                            You might say babysitting costs are repercussions but she isn't even paying her due child support (pays $10/m to dodge FRO triggers) she isn't going to pay babysitting fees.
                            That is a completely separate issue from the flaking out. Can you indefinitely pay $10/month to avoid FRO acting on a case? Seems like a major loophole that more people would be exploiting if it were true.


                            And whenever she learns (from son) that I might have plans to be out of town, she pulls this crap
                            So why would you continue to tell your son when you have plans to be out of town?


                            Does this forum attract people who like drama? How clueless do you have to be to complain that telling your son about your out-of-town plans causes trouble, and then continue to tell your son about your out-of-town plans?


                            How many instances of no-show do I need
                            Idea: Start sending her emails every time she misses. Keep a running track in each message of the missed parenting time. For example:


                            Email 1:
                            On September 9th, you cancelled your parenting time with 22 hours notice


                            Please do not cancel your parenting time, it is not in the best interests of our child.





                            Email 2:
                            On September 9th, you cancelled your parenting time with 22 hours notice.


                            On September 22nd, you cancelled your parenting time with 2 days notice.


                            Please do not cancel your parenting time, it is not in the best interests of our child.





                            Email 3:


                            On September 9th, you cancelled your parenting time with 22 hours notice.


                            On September 22nd, you cancelled your parenting time with 2 days notice.


                            On October 4th, you cancelled your parenting time with 14 hours notice.


                            Please do not cancel your parenting time, it is not in the best interests of our child.




                            ... either she will be shamed into stopping her nonsense, or you will have a pretty solid record to bring to court, one that has been shared with her repeatedly so she cannot possibly claim ignorance.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Janus View Post

                              So why would you continue to tell your son when you have plans to be out of town?


                              Does this forum attract people who like drama? How clueless do you have to be to complain that telling your son about your out-of-town plans causes trouble, and then continue to tell your son about your out-of-town plans?


                              It's usually best not to just assume things and then be so condescending based on your incorrect assumptions, asking for more details could help you become a more positive person.



                              He over heard me on the phone, thats how he knew.

                              Comment

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