Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Parenting Coordinator? Where to get one?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Quote ...Ever since my relationship with my partner and including my move to Kanata, my ex has been very hostile. He is unreasonable at every chance. For a year now, I've been driving my son to school in Barrhaven (20min drive) and my ex seems to think that this is unacceptable. "

    Yes you are right she was hostile to his new relationship and he to hers. So no one has moved on. Lets all put our hands up in the air, including the child in the middle. I sometimes think Dr Laura was right on when she declared if you have a child with another person and then the relationship ends. No one is allowed to start a new relationship until that child reaches 18! Now I can see why she said that.

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by momofonegreatboy View Post
      Hello,

      I'm at a lost. I left my former common law partner three years ago, after what we both new was a toxic relationship. I moved to Ottawa with my son while he stayed in Montreal for his work. Things were amicable. I travelled half way to Montreal on the weekends to exchange and for the most part, we were still good friends.

      After 8 mths, he transferred to Ottawa and moved to the same community as my son and I. I still have our son the majority of the time because of his schedule. Our friendship started to crash as I entered into a new relationship. My ex wanted 50/50. We had no set schedule and we were simply going off our work schedules/social outings planned out on a monthly calendar ect. We were always very flexible. I was open to a 50/50 until he sent me an email announcing he met someone and after several months into their relationship, they bought a new house and she was 13 weeks pregnant (with twins). My stance was to keep as little change possible in my son's life and this was going to be a big one. His dad refused and unilaterally changed our month to month schedule by picking up my son on 'my day' and kept him for 7 days. My lawyer sent his lawyer a letter to say 'no -no' all while we would email me to say such things as 'you have no leg to stand on'.

      I was told to keep my stance and return to our regular schedule (of which was pretty much 60/40 at that time) and again, he pulled my son out of daycare on my day -right before I was picking him up and kept him for the 7 days. I didn't even have the chance to explain to my son that I wouldn't see him for 7 days and that things were changing. My son was 6 at that time. Again, another letter from my lawyer stating that both parties are so close to reaching an agreement and that he should not have done that ect. My ex and his lawyer declined a four way lawyer meeting, and we settled to attend mediation. This didn't help whatsoever.

      All I wanted was six months so my child could adapt to the baby twins, his new house and his dad's girlfriend. I decided that I would simply let it go and not fight the 50/50. He is a good father after all. A year and a half went by and that's when I met my partner and I moved in with him - in Kanata. He also has a daughter and her and my son are a year apart. He also has her 50/50 schedule with her and we have the kids on the same week. Ever since my relationship with my partner and including my move to Kanata, my ex has been very hostile. He is unreasonable at every chance. For a year now, I've been driving my son to school in Barrhaven (20min drive) and my ex seems to think that this is unacceptable.

      My son's school called in Feb this year with red flags about our son (lack of focus, emotional outbursts,ect) and his dad blamed my move. We had him assessed and the report came back that he did not in fact have ADHD and that he was emotionally affected by the separation (even though three years had passed by) He still wants his mom and dad together. He is now 8yrs old, and is seeing the school board's social worker. Things have improved and he seems happier however, the social worker called a conference call with both his dad and I (last week) to summarize the last few months and shared that our son expressed wanting to attend the same school as his step sister (her school is behind our home).

      You see, they are very close and have a special connection. I'm at a point now where I feel that 50/50 is not working (even his dad says this) our son has not adjusted and that we should be listening to what our son wants. My ex refuses to seek mediation and now I'm faced with having my lawyer send his lawyer a four way meeting request to talk about changing my son's school to Kanata of which would affect access. Any suggestions? I am not looking for child support. I'm even wondering if a parenting coordinator may work.
      this is what I read. He was upset after he moved from montreal to Ottawa, she ends up moving in with new guy in another town. She didn't like his new relationship and he didn't like it when she moved the child.
      Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 06-19-2014, 10:20 PM.

      Comment


      • #18
        Okay, so re read and really they are both upset and hostile with each other because both have new relationships. SO again Dr Laura is correct. No one should have a new relationship until their children are 18. Not that I agree with her, but I can see her point. If neither parent can handle the other having a new relationship then how do they expect their children to cope. Who are the adults here?

        Comment


        • #19
          Getting back to the OPs question. You both need to acknowledged that each of you can be great parents and can offer good homes to your child with great extended families. Now you need to acknowledge that it is okay for your child to be happy in both homes and then work out what is best for the child. You do,not need parent coordinators to tell you how to behave and how to make smart decisions for your children. You need to give your heads a shake and ask yourself what are you actually arguing about here.

          Comment


          • #20
            To be fair, mom acknowledges she took issue with dad having a new gf and twin babies too. Mom put a stop to the father having liberal access to the child.

            Mom has interpreted that dad was hostile. That may or may not be accurate. I mean, if you piss someone off and put a cease fire on a father seeing his son as he used to - ya, I guess that could be construed as hostile. Or really, it could be that mom was being difficult and dad reacted accordingly.

            Ask for the people who's kids were skyping with their other parent's...what the heck are you doing in the Skype with new partners? the Skype is between kid and parent. If the other parent wants their new partner, mother or minister in the picture so be it. That is THEIR call. Not yours. I question the need to control so many things. And for what reason?

            Comment


            • #21
              I can understand why the dad would be upset with the OP, and it isn't because of the new guy. OP's ex is likely upset because OP moved out of the child's familiar location and now OP wants to change the child's school. Dad is likely resistant because he doesn't see why her move should be reason to change the regular parenting schedule and change schools. I can also see how this could be construed as being upset with the new relationship, as it was caused by the new relationship.

              I also did see the hypocrisy about her wanting to pull back on Dad's time when he got into a new relationship, but yet made no mention of intending on doing the same thing when she entered her new relationship. I also see the hypocrisy in stating that she did that because she wants stability and to limit change on the child, yet in the next breathe advises that they have moved to another town and now want to change the child's school.

              I also didn't understand the reasoning on reducing dad's time as a means of limiting the impact of the changes in the child's life. To me, it is backwards logic. Let's reduce the amount of time the child spends with the other parent because the other parent is in a new relationship and that family is growing, only to re-introduce the child later when much has changed. It makes no sense. The child will adjust better being regularly involved throughout all the stages of both parents life.

              IMO, OP needs to re-think their stance. OP sees the ex as hostile, yet doesn't see that her decisions could have caused such resistance.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by somethingelse View Post
                Ostensibly, Parenting Coordination is a combination of mediation, arbitration and parent education.

                Unless you're an oligarch, avoid parenting coordination like the plague.

                Parenting Coordination would probably work best for families that don't need it. If you need it, it probably won't work for you.

                If you're at the point where you think you need PC, then at least one party was unaffected by the Ministry of The Attorney General's parent education program and other information about how parents should work to get along after divorce. If someone is not able to learn or refuses to, then why pay a Parenting Coordinator to tell them the same thing? In that situation you need more than parenting coordination. You need a family court system which enforces the bits of paper which say "Order" at the top.

                Beware of a "parenting coordinator" who refuses to arbitrate, although their mandate is to arbitrate when necessary. Beware near-extortionate billings of around $1000.00 a month and little you can do about it.

                Be extremely cautious about parenting coordination.
                Brilliant observations and I couldn't have written it out better. Parental coordinators that refuse to arbitrate are useless and expensive.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Thank you for your replies. I believe I can add clarity. I'm the one who left the relationship three years ago. His dad was offered the job of his dreams and moved to the same city after our separation of 8mths. He had false hope of getting back together and became hostile when he found out I was dating.

                  I should also add that I was in my relationship for a year and a half before We co-habituated (20min away). My ex met someone too and after three months in, announced the pregnancy with the twins and the move. We were close to working out a 50-50 at that (it didn't work before because of his work hours) and I wanted to put the brakes because of this big change in my son's life.

                  I had not moved in with my bf at this point when all of this was unfolding. I've been living with my partner and his daughter who's with us week on week off for a year now, three years have gone by and my son wants to go to school here with her. Yes- we've paid for private psychological assessments for my son. He even told the social worker at school his wishes about changing school.

                  The reason behind changing 50-50 to more of a 60-40 are purely because we don't see eye to eye and I would like to focus more on his academics. I feel his father is still upset I left our relationship and our son is now (even after 3yrs) hurting cause of our separation and I am certainly blamed for my sons actions and emotional outburst at school. Things have been better - I will say that however his dad is a firm believer that having two homes is not a way of life. He also wants to change his school to his school district.

                  He refuses to pay for any care, camps or sports in my community and declares his home my son's primary address. He is very hostile and I feel this inhibits his ability to co-parent - which in turn affects my son. After 3 years, he still won't call or write my partner's name and only refers to him as my bf.

                  To be clear, I was very happy to hear he entered into a new relationship; I was genuinely happy for him and was kind to her the first time I met her. It was only when he announced his news that I felt 50-50 should wait atleast six months (after the twins were born) as I wanted to shield my son from this big change.


                  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Well there you have it - you feel entitled to have made the change for your son to "spare him" from the twins. Because of course six months after the twins are born is SO much better than being able to grow up with his siblings and celebrating in every little thing they do.

                    I'm going to go out on a limb and call BS. You've posted on another forum and your story changes with your audience. At the end of the day I don't think you're looking for advice, I think your looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear.

                    At the end of the day - you have made unilateral decisions based on daddy's new baby twins. In my books - that is wrong. If your son wanted to go to school with the twins I'm sure that would be wrong too. But of course he wants to go to school with your step daughter so it's okay.

                    Who cares if dad refers to your bf by name. Really? This sounds very immature.

                    You stated previously you weren't looking for money. Now you mention money...you're tripping on your own words.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      My story has not changed; I added clarity. The reason I brought up money is because it's important to identify that my objective in changing the access to 60/40 is not about money as some might assume. 50-50 does not work if parents are consumed with conflict. I should also let you know that we (my partner and I) were aggressively looking to purchase a home in my son's school district until the school social worker told both my son's dad and I that our son wants to change school (not to mention the school labelled him as having ADHD) and explained to us that he values family and sees others going to the same school as their sibling(s). I did not change our schedule when my ex announced the pregnancy. I wanted things to remain status quo till my son adapted to these major changes and transitioned gently. If my son's wishes were to go to the same school as the twins, I would be happy to entertain the idea.


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        In the Ottawa region, Sandra Levesque has a good reputation as a parenting co-ordinator.

                        (If naming her is not appropriate, please edit post to read "PM me for a suggestion").

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          cost

                          Thank you. I've looked into Sandra's credentials. Would anyone know the cost of hiring a parenting coordinator? It appears you retain them and agree to work with one from 12-24mths.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Why not contact her and ask?

                            Comment

                            Our Divorce Forums
                            Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                            Working...
                            X