Asking for 50/50

[LovingFather32]

I know. It's really got to bite for an argument, when the ex and I can get along, have a bivo on the back deck, I don't accept table cs nor s7, and we parent the kid well together, doesn't it.

Lol Mcdreamy. You're a good person. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.

[LovingFather32]

How are you able to quote a post that no one else can see?

Won't post constructive posts .. like my one on the social cognitive theory of prescribed gender roles .. or updates in.my threads .. but oh boy she jumps on that one. Why? For conflict. Thank the good Lord I have my ex to deal with instead of her. PHEW (wiping brow). Keep playing god of posts. Kinda sad. I communicate via email with those who help.

[MrToronto]

That's what flagged me S to H.

Just pulled out and inserted.

I'm very upset

Not fair fight when a MOD posts stuff...nobody has any idea about... then posting bits of censored crap.....HORRIBLE.

taking advantage of "a posting" delay for LF32

incredible

[LovingFather32]

Anyway to answer SadAndTired 's question .. yes, I do believe that most fathers actually "want" 50/50. But I'm exhausted by the fact that they have to fight so hard for it. (Probably won't see this post even though I'm answering OP 's question).

[Straittohell]

Don't worry, Mr. T, I'm sure that the evidence of the matter in question will have mysteriously disappeared by tomorrow morning.

[mcdreamy]

(teenagers switch schools a lot)

You said here that teenagers switch school a lot - I'm really not following your train of thought.

At the end of the day, with any parenting schedule, 50-50 or otherwise, it is best for the kids if there are two reasonable adults working together to raise them.

[mcdreamy]

How are you able to quote a post that no one else can see?

hmmm -- I don't know. mods don't have any sort of admin rights, like approving posts, etc.

[arabian]

50-50 and teenagers? and being in their school catchment area.

I remember a 100 years ago what I thought was a good thing for my kids, which was buying a house 2 blocks from there "schools" (1 catholic one public teenagers switch schools a lot) and 2 blocks from the EX.

I would think that what you did [buying home close to school] was a very good thing. Teenagers like to move about freely and hang with their friends. The whole regimental split custody thing must be very difficult for some parents. I could see teenagers rebelling against simply having to go to one parents' place when their mates live closer to the other parent, particularly if the distance is notable and the teenager doesn't have a vehicle.

Teenagers are, in my opinion, generally quite self-focussed. Its a mememememe stage in their lives. It would be very difficult to attempt to steer them to HAVE TO go to the other parents' home, particularly if other parent lives a substantial distance away.

Sounds like you had to deal with an extremely high conflict ex Mr. T. Your teenagers would have been quite embarrassed by her actions at the time. I bet your relationship with them today is good though.

[rockscan]

From my view, it seems like teens have been given a lot more power in divorces. I get that you do whats best for your kids but consider this: married parents with two teens. Gramma is in a LT care facility. Not a place anyone wants to visit. Teens say no way Im not going. Mom and dad say suck it up youre going. They go. Divorced kids say I dont want to go to mom/dads house and unreasonable custodial parent says too bad to the other parent, kid is old enough to have a say. Or in our case, mom says "well I TOLD them they had to see you they just dont want to" meanwhile mom also has made other plans for the time so of course kid is going to say no thanks mom has better plans.

In my other two examples the kids issues were looked at. The moving parent had other issues with visits. Kids didnt feel welcome in his home. They were left alone to eat or play. Dad was off somewhere else. Versus moms house that had a family atmosphere, lots of supervision etc. Mom (whos a social worker btw) sat down with dad and they worked out a plan for him to move closer, do dinners as a family and she set up activities he could volunteer with for his time.

My other friend lost his kids for three months b/c mom convinced them dad ruined their lives not letting them move. Said kids were old enough to have a say. How did it change? Kids needed sports equipment and dad only if they go with him to the store. Kids started back with him 50/50 after that.

If one parent is unreasonable it doesnt work and that unreasonableness starts from the beginning. Whether its withholding during separation, refusing kids after a SA, or brainwashing to make them hate you. But to me a parent cant hide behind "theyre old enough to make their own decisions".

I think its great parents are willing to uproot to be close. I cant imagine living a block from my partners ex. But if it means he could see his daughter weekly, Id put up banners and a red carpet for her.

[SadAndTired]

How are you able to quote a post that no one else can see?

I think that it is Jeff that moderates LF's posts, not the mods themselves.

[SadAndTired]

So interesting to see everyone's posts. I also liked hearing how some of you have navigated the situation to make it work for you.

Unfortunately I do agree that a parent who won't step up to the plate and spend time with their children can change everything.

I had actually tried to insist my ex spend more time with my girls when we first separated. (Kids were 9 and 7 at the time.) They missed him desperately and cried nightly over his absence. He simply said he didn't have the time. (He had a new g/f.)

My ex said "Well, I can't take them 50/50". Imagine if I had said the same?? "Well, I can't take them 50/50 either!" LOL. Then what?

[MrToronto]

Arabian your right kids were embarrassed

Rockscan is right where one parent is unreasonable....it doesn't work when moving closer.

I have the experience to prove this

The 2 older kids went away for post secondary, B19 went out west to school (the year I moved into catchment area and a year later D18 went across Ontario for school.... BOTH only had typical money issues

The 2 younger ones that were stuck with a unreasonable parent and the stupid conflict were affected, I call it micro-manageditis.....to the point where they lost the ability to make any decisions on there own, this all happened in the space of just 4 or 5 years.

Both never left town for post secondary both never did well in post secondary and both today (in there 20's) are with the unreasonable parent who still micro-manages them.

I guess lots of parents today have 30 year olds living in the basement so it may be normal.

Hindsight being 20-20.....I should never of moved closer to have more time with kids and my advice for anyone considering it...to maintain 50-50 check out how the EX feels about it.

[arabian]

I wonder if, in the event of default 50-50, there would not be greater emphasis on equalization/finances.

At the very least we would likely see matrimonial homes put on market alot sooner after separation. Not many people can afford to support two homes and the current thought in divorce is that assets are split equally and children deserve similar standard of living (no matter which home they reside in) - which would become a bigger priority for divorcing parents. I think default 50/50 would put an end to the traditional thinking that 'whomever gets the kids gets the house' and vice-versa.

I've always wondered if this 50/50 thing is truly about the best interests of the children or the best interests of everyone's wallet. Hmmmmm.

[Janibel]

It's in the best interests of the lawyers (or the system itself) 50/50 is a wonderful goal - though in practice is virtually impossible.

Take two adults who hate each other enough to want to divorce, add children - that they both love and want to be with as much as possible, add to the mix the added incentive of MONEY and yes, you'll have years of pandemonium every time.

[wantmyfreedom]

I do not support a 50/50 split as a default. I think each case should be evaluated by it's unique charateristics.

When you have two parents who make things work and remain relatively conflict free then absolutely yes, yes, yes. It's awesome for the kids.

When there are conflicted parties then that has to be factored in. 50/50 will just drive the kids nuts with all the conflict. Not all parents take the higher road.

In my case my ex was never around. Sure the kids missed him. He would build them up and they would be looking forward to spending some time with him. Then he had excuses. I was the one who had to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts.

He denigrated my character long before we even separated. He indulged in this selfish behavior for years until I walked away. Then he punished me for leaving by TRYING to have me charged for DV. He went after sole custody of our children.

So not all fathers have to fight for their rights and their kid's rights. So do some mothers. I did.

He wanted sole. I offered joint 50/50. I won.

So now after all the dust has cleared from the litigation wars....Does he exercise his 50/50?

He chooses not to.