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  • Need Advice on Access

    Hi

    I need some advice on how to proceed with getting more time with my two boys.

    Some background:

    I have two boys - 3 1/2 and one. My ex wife and I separated a year ago. We sold our matrimonial home in July and we both now have our own homes - about 10 mins apart from eachother. We negotiated an separation agreement based on increasing access. From Sept to Jan, I have both boys for two evenings a week (4:30 - 7:30) and every other weekend (my three year spends friday through sunday evening while my one year old is with me friday 4:30 - 7:30 and then sat and sun 8:30 - 7:30 - no overnights). In January, I get to have two weeknights a month overnight with my 3yr old. In April, I get the saturday night of the weekend overnight with my 1yr old. Finally, in Sept 2011, both boys will be on the same schedule being two weeknights - one overnight and one not, and everyother weekend. It is a confusing schedule and was based on 1) my ex wife planning on breast feeding until 18 months and 2) my ex wife not wanting to give up her nights with my youngest. I had to work her down to this schedule. I also wanted joint custody and to avoid going to court. I did obtain joint custody in the agreement.

    About three months have now passed and we have been going on with this schedule. However, my ex wife stopped breast feeding in August all together. This did not result in her giving me any overnights with the 1 yr old. Also, the transitions have been becoming hard on my 3 yr old. He wants to stay with me longer then a few hours on the weeknights and cries back at his mom's. He also doesn't understand why we sometimes drive his brother back to mommy's and he comes back home with me and sometimes he has to stay at mommy's. I've approached my ex wife verbally (we are on good terms) and have asked her if she would consider overnights with my 1 yr old sooner. She refused and said "she" wasn't ready. The other night, she asked me if I had any ideas to make the transition easier for my 3 yr old. I told her that I felt it would be better for the boys that when they are with me for the weeknights that they stay overnight and I drive them to daycare in the morning (I am just as close to daycare as she is and can get them there). I felt that instead of always doing drop off and pick up at her or my house, it would be easier if for the times i had them I picked them up at daycare and dropped them off the next morning and she picked them up in the afternoon. My ex responded that she wasn't comfortable with that idea. I asked why to which she said "it's not in our agreement and since I'm not comfortable with it, your suggestion is not an option." She said that she saw how my idea would benefit me. So basically there was no compromise.

    What I would like for me to keep both my boys overnight the two weeknights I have them already and to have my one year old stay with my 3yr old overnight every other weekend. Now that my ex wife is not breastfeeding, I don't see why this isn't possible. As I mentioned, I purposely live as close as I can, I have a really nice house two storey townhome, the boys have their own room. I have a solid job and pay table amount child support. I pick them up from daycare the nights I have them and can get them there any morning. I want as they grow older to move to a more 50/50 split but recognise their young age. I don't think what I am asking for now is a lot and in fact believe it is better for the boys. I believe my ex is putting her own self interest first. I want to press the issue and move it forward and want to see if I am on sound footing - especially if I need to motion the court for a change.

    What does everyone think? Is this reasonable? Can I motion amend the separation agreement since some of the circumstances have changed? Would a judge find this reasonable? I don't know what argument my ex would make in front of a judge against this? My boys love being with me and I miss them terribly. I just want to do normal things like put them to bed and get them ready for daycare - to be there if my one year old wakes a night for a bottle.

    I'd appreciate any advice.
    Thanks

  • #2
    Sounds like your doing the right things. Your ex needs to understand that it's not when she's ready, but when your son is ready.

    If he has stopped breastfeeding, then he is ready, especially if he is being separated from his sibling.

    But I'm telling you what I know you already know.

    It's good that you are otherwise amicable. Hopefully she can come around soon, otherwise your only recourse is court.

    Comment


    • #3
      Dad93,
      You are doing the right thing. The kids need you at this early age as much as they need a mother. Your best guarantee at having a healthy (considering the circumstances of a divided family) relationship with your kids is to keep demanding more time. By the way, your wife knows that and that is probably why she is trying to stop it.

      It always amazes me when mothers fail to appreciate the emotional attachment the fathers they chose have for their young kids.

      Comment


      • #4
        The agreement was based on breast feeding. That is now done, so her trying to use the agreement to keep you away from your kids does not make sense, and she knows it. Separating the children is not a good idea.

        Don't be passive in your desire to raise the kids equally with their mother. Accept nothing less than that (ie 50/50). Do what it takes to make that happen. Also don't be passive as a lot of fathers and pay full table amount. You should be using the set off method (greater income earner pays the other the difference in respective table amounts) when you move to equal time with the kids.

        She is clearly being selfish and acting as if she is more of a parent than you. Don't let her get away with it, it is not good for anyone.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for the support to all who responded. Any advice on what my next step should be? I've already been verbally told no.

          Comment


          • #6
            Get your intentions in writing to her so you have a trail. Do that at least once, maybe twice or more to get it firmly on the record. Each time you communicate to her, let her know you want to settle this without involving the lawyers. Suggest mediation. When she refuses after all that, you no option but to go to court.

            Comment


            • #7
              As a mother, I second the opinions of the fathers above. I'm assuming you were in agreement to this schedule only because of the benefits of breastfeeding to your younger child, and now that he is finished believe that it is better for him to spend more time with you and his brother.

              Don't let your ex's "readiness" be an issue, it isn't, that's her problem. Most parents are never "ready" to give up time with their child, so she will never get there. It's about whether your child is ready for an overnight with a loving caring father.

              Oh and the drop offs at daycare....you have every right to do this, and it will help you when it comes to gettgin 50/50 down the road. You need to establish a working relationship with your children's care providers. Be active at the daycare and let them know you are a committed father.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by dad93 View Post
                Thanks for the support to all who responded. Any advice on what my next step should be? I've already been verbally told no.
                Request an alternative that she would be amicable with and go from there. If necessary, go to mediation to have an impartial 3rd party help come to an agreement.

                If you can't come to an agreement through mediation, you will have to go to court.

                But continue to provide her with reasonable offers and request reasonable offers from her in return. But do it by email, they will have much more impact as proof you were being reasonable should it end up in court.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi All

                  I am wondering if someone can tell me what forms I need to fill out to motion a change in the access schedule. Also, does it matter what court I chose to go to? I live in Ajax so do I need to go to the court in the East end or can I go to Brampton. Is one better then the other for these types of issues?

                  Thanks

                  Comment

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