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Advice for a stepmom!!

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  • Advice for a stepmom!!

    Hi everyone,

    I'm new to the forum and I'm hoping to maybe get some advice. I have a 21 year old step daughter. She is sweet, smart and responsible. I have been around since she was small. Overall, we get along well considering her mom has never allowed us to get too close. She is going to college and she is able to cover all of her education costs with her earnings from work and OSAP. My husband was ordered to pay the table amount of support until she is finished with her studies.

    So, she sent me a message the other day saying that her mom is charging her rent. Much more than she can afford since she is only working part-time and covering her education costs on her own. She pays all her own food, school costs, car insurance, phone, etc.. Her mom only supplies the basic place to sleep and shower. She treats her as a tenant instead of a daughter that is trying to make a good secure life for herself. We don't live in the same city as she does, so she can't move in with us free of charge because of her choice of school. I feel bad because she is being threatened that if she doesn't pay the rent, she will get things taken away such as wi-Fi and cable. She doesn't really need it because I said we would provide her with that. I told her not to give her mom money because her Dad is already paying to support her living at home and that she should not fear being kicked out because her mom wouldn't get money from him if she does kick her out.

    I have a screenshot of the rant her mom sent her through messaging. She was calling my step daughter selfish and greedy when all she is trying to do is save her hard earned money to pay her education costs. I have a hard time accepting that a mother can be this way. Since she will already receive money from my husband and she should be contributing as well, she should not be charging my step daughter any rent/room and board. Her mom is telling her that my husband is trying to manipulate her to make her look bad when the only thing he is trying to do is help his daughter save her money by telling her she shouldn't be paying her mom anything since she is already receiving support. Her mom even tried to force her to get a second job just so she could pay her. If anything, her mother is the selfish and greedy one.

    So my question is, is there something my husband can about this? Would a court look down on a mother who is doing this? It makes me so angry that a mother would put money ahead of her own daughter.

    Anyway, thanks for any advice you all may have.

  • #2
    This is really shitty for the kid.

    Your husband needs to advise his ex that his cs covers her room and board and kid is not responsible for paying anything else.

    Or he can simply find a place for kid to live and pay cs directly to kid.

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    • #3
      what a piece of work. The mother is trying to double dip by having your SD pay room and board. It is already being paid in the way of CS that your husband pays. She she also be contributing to her education to.

      I wonder if she takes a stand and the "mother" kicks her out if your SD can get CS and section 7 from her? Plus if she moves out, your husband can pay the daughter directly?

      It is sad when a person is doing much for themselves like your SD but someone else just sees $$$$$. It must be getting to be very stressful for her to continue living with her mother and most likely the daily battles that are happening.

      I would print out what CS covers, section 7 for post secondary education (showing mother has to pay also) and send it to the mother. If that doesnt stop her then maybe help SD look for a place to live near school and talk to a lawyer about her getting CS from both parents.

      Comment


      • #4
        She was already told this, but she doesn't seem to care. I didn't know if maybe threatening to go back to court and get the support changed to pay directly to her would work or not. I know she won't kick her out because she wouldn't want to lose the money she is receiving, but I want to make sure she doesn't give her mom a penny as long as she is being paid by my husband.

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        • #5
          It would be great to find her a place to live, give her the money directly and make her mom pay her as well. Maybe I will get him to threaten her with that though. Tell her mom that if she keeps forcing rent on her, we will find her somewhere to stay, change it so that my step daughter is getting the money directly and make her mom pay her too. Her mother also earns more than my husband, so she will pay more to her than he would. Most likely, she will think twice about it then. I hope so anyway.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Stepmom21 View Post
            It would be great to find her a place to live, give her the money directly and make her mom pay her as well. Maybe I will get him to threaten her with that though. Tell her mom that if she keeps forcing rent on her, we will find her somewhere to stay, change it so that my step daughter is getting the money directly and make her mom pay her too. Her mother also earns more than my husband, so she will pay more to her than he would. Most likely, she will think twice about it then. I hope so anyway.
            This would never happen. Child support ends when the child moves out and neither parent is obligated to provide any money at all. If she knows anything at all about family law she will know this is a completely unenforceable threat

            You're barking up the wrong tree with this.

            If the child wants to move out and dad wants to help her, he certainly can. He has zero chance of getting the mother ordered to help pay.

            Comment


            • #7
              I would have him do that. Simply “I have been advised by SD that you are demanding rent from her and that you will cut off access to utilities if she fails to comply. I remind you that SD’s room and board is covered under child support and she is under no obligation to pay you while you are receiving that funding. Should you continue to demand this from her, I will be motioning to have child support paid directly to sd, help her move into alternate accommodations and help her motion to have your portion of her school and living expenses paid to her in accordance with the federal child support guidelines.”

              There is a case I read where a kid successfully fought for child support and emancipation from their parents (she was 18) while attending university.

              This is just going to get ugly for kid living at home. You may want to start looking into alternative living arrangements now. Her mother is just going to up the emotional abuse.

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              • #8
                That is excellent advice and will be talking to my husband about it. Her mom was also like this with her two older sons from another Dad. It's terrible.

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                • #9
                  Keep in mind that child support doesn't cover her room and board costs. Child support covers a *portion* of a variety of expenses by one parent. The other parent covers the rest.

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                  • #10
                    Yes, I am definitely aware of that, but obviously her mother is not, or most likely just ignorant towards that. All I can picture in my mind since I received that message is slapping her mother right across the face. I even dreamt about it I was so angry lol.

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                    • #11
                      Why is your current husband not paying his 1/3 share of college/s7 expenses? That might provide some financial relief to your stepchild. I don't see that mentioned in your initial post.
                      Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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                      • #12
                        The recent court decision was that my husband was to pay table support, my step daughter would be responsible for paying her educational costs and then whatever her earnings and OSAP did not cover would be shared between her mother and my husband. Plus, she wanted to take care of those costs herself because she was working full-time before she started. My step daughter is a very responsible young adult and is not wreckless with her money. Of course she can afford to pay it if her mother would not ask for rent money. Her mother has not contributed a penny to her education. My husband is willing to contribite his share of costs she can't cover if there are any.

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                        • #13
                          you say nothing... this is a matter between the parents (as frustrating as it is for you)

                          you only know one side of the story..

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                          • #14
                            I'm sorry, but I do not agree with that. I have helped raise my step daughter for 18 years and she is a good girl and her mom has been an idiot for the same amount of time. If my step daughter comes to me and asks for help, I will help her as well as my husband. It's people who are not step parents that should say nothing. There are many step parents in this world who are rightly involved and even paying support to their step children. That's just the way it is. I know both sides of the story, and the one side that steals money from their child is an idiot no matter who it is. My step daughter is not a child receiving support because she's a minor. If she asks my advice, I will give it, period!

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                            • #15
                              Your step-daughter is 21 and in school part time. How long has she been a part-time student?

                              In one of your posts you say you were fantasizing about slapping the mother across the face. With that in mind I suggested you should NOT involve yourself. It goes without saying that step-parents play an important role.

                              You do not know what the daughter's living arrangement with her mother entails (you only hear the step-daughter's version). Perhaps the mother is simply trying to get the daughter to be serious about her education instead of toying with it as a part-time student? Perhaps the mother wants the child to "launch"?

                              Comment

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