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  • Ex Still in Marital Home, not paying bills

    We separated on June of 2010 and in September she had me arrested for spousal assault which never took place. The police concluded she was a liar and on the advice of police and my lawyer I moved in with family.

    We have since agreed on joint custody and 50/50 access and she is living in the marital home until it sells. She changed the locks on the home and moved her boyfriend into the home and never lets me in to retrieve any of my things. I am afraid to go near this woman without police present as she will lie to them to get me in trouble.

    We agreed at the case conference that both our pays would be direct deposited into the joint account and that she would be responsible for paying the bills.....bad idea to say the least. I have had to make every single payment to joint credit cards and lines of credit and I have had to pay almost every single other bill payment. I have even had to borrow money to ensure that the mortgage payment is covered. I have to protect my credit rating but at the same time she is not helping at all.

    This month I have payed the full mortgage, daycare, lines of credit, phone cable and internet.

    Basically I am working to support her and the boyfriend living in my home....when I have the kids I am left with little money to do anything with them let alone pay for groceries.

    At the case conference we agreed in writing that the matrimonial home would be up for sale by December 1st....the home was not listed until January 6th. She has delayed the sale of the home and run up my costs and it seems there is nothing I can do about it.

    I have contacted my lawyer this morning to ask what my recourse is but was wondering if anyone has been in a situation where the joint bills are not being paid.

  • #2
    As previously noted on many occasions, you're a sucker.

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    • #3
      Dude, I think it has been mentioned before, but it is worth repeating:

      GIVE HER NOTICE THAT IN ONE MONTH YOU ARE REMOVING YOURSELF FROM ALL ACCOUNTS RELATING TO EXPENSES WITHIN THE HOUSE. Advise her that she is to establish her own accounts in her own name for things like cable, internet and phone. Remind her 2 weeks before the timeline that she is to have you removed from the account or setup her own accounts in her own name, and to advise you when this is completed.

      And at such 1 month period, call the cable company, phone company and internet company and cancel the services. If she hasn't setup her own services, then she is SOL. You are not obligated to ensure that she has cable etc. and pay the expenses related to same.

      For the line of credit, unless you absolutely need it open, I would lock it up and ensure no one can draw from it.

      Daycare, discuss with the daycare provider setting up a payment scheme where you pay your portion of daycare directly to the provider.

      Where you are paying things like the mortgage or credit cards to protect your credit rating, save proof of all payments and ask to be compensated for such amounts that your ex would be obligated to pay out of the equalization/sale of the house.

      Unless you start taking steps to pull the plug, you are enabling her to continue to take advantage of you. Because right now, she has no reason to start paying for anything, she knows you will. And given how much of a push over you've been until now (sorry to be frank) she thinks you won't take her to task for the amounts come equalization. So she feels you will continue to allow to leave on the cheap and then gets her portion of equalization, so it is win/win for her.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
        And given how much of a push over you've been until now (sorry to be frank) she thinks you won't take her to task for the amounts come equalization.
        C'mon man, quit being so hard on the guy

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        • #5
          Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
          Unless you start taking steps to pull the plug, you are enabling her to continue to take advantage of you. Because right now, she has no reason to start paying for anything, she knows you will. And given how much of a push over you've been until now (sorry to be frank) she thinks you won't take her to task for the amounts come equalization. So she feels you will continue to allow to leave on the cheap and then gets her portion of equalization, so it is win/win for her.
          His tough love approach is right, your being suckered. You are also at fault though because you have allowed it likely just to avoid confrontation?
          If I knew someone would be paying for my portion of everything I'd sit and squat in the house too! (okay likely I wouldn't cause that's not me but it seems your ex is quite okay with being an irresponsible fool) Get your name off of everything as fast as you can. Your handing her free money really with keeping your name on stuff, may as well just pay her to use you because that's what she is doing. Stop being nice, in the long run it's just you who ends up losing out.

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          • #6
            Teddie has been beaten over the head for months now for his wimpy approach to this whole matter.

            No matter how many times and how emphatically he is told, he continues to be a doormat.

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            • #7
              Teddie that's just not fair to you or your children. If you want to provide the best you can for them, barely being able to afford groceries is just pathetic when you have the option to do more. Could say you're failing yourself and your kids by coddling their mother.

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              • #8
                Yeah, you guys are separated, there is NO reason you should still have joint accounts, and absolutely NO reason your paycheck should be going anywhere she has access to it! Nobody is in your situation to give you advice because we all froze or closed joint credit and bank accounts long before this point.

                Give her notice to make her own arrangements for phone, cable and internet etc., and get those bills in her name only ASAP.

                Your only recourse after doing all that is to keep track of all the unfair mooching she's been doing, and then itemize it to be subtracted from her equalization. Who knows when that will occur though, or how easy it will be to do, so be proactive and limit the damage now.

                If the home is not sold yet, you are still an owner and have every right to go there, and she should not have changed the locks. However, be respectful, give her notice that you intend to come on a particular day to move your personal belongings out, and then bring some neutral friends, or a police officer if you have to, and get your stuff before she does something with it.

                Edited to add:

                I should also perhaps mention that I am mooching from my ex as we speak, as my car, home and life insurance are still coming out of his account. I let it go at first as his gym fees were still coming out of my account. When I stopped that, I still didn't change the insurance payments, sort of treating it as incentive for him to move faster on the separation paperwork, and since the car and house are still in his name at this point, I don't feel guilty, and plan to make the changes as soon as the car is in my name and he's off the house title and mortgage. However, it's backfiring on me, as he seems content to keep paying it as "his contribution" to our children (he doesn't owe child support) and the process keeps dragging on and on. Sigh. But I still think he's an idiot for letting me mooch off him.
                Last edited by Rioe; 03-02-2011, 11:10 PM. Reason: more ideas

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                  For the line of credit, unless you absolutely need it open, I would lock it up and ensure no one can draw from it.

                  Daycare, discuss with the daycare provider setting up a payment scheme where you pay your portion of daycare directly to the provider.

                  Where you are paying things like the mortgage or credit cards to protect your credit rating, save proof of all payments and ask to be compensated for such amounts that your ex would be obligated to pay out of the equalization/sale of the house.
                  Lines of credit have already been frozen and will not be paid off until the sale of the home. I have to pay to protect my credit rating but she obviously doesn't care about hers.

                  Removing my name from joint utilities is not as easy as you guys think. I was able to close the Rogers account but heat and hydro will not take my name off the account.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                    Teddie has been beaten over the head for months now for his wimpy approach to this whole matter.

                    No matter how many times and how emphatically he is told, he continues to be a doormat.
                    Really, since I left the home I have filed a court application and now have my kids 50/50 and joint custody.

                    Why not share what approach you would take instead of contributing your bullshit to my thread. If you have nothing to contribute then move along.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mama2bee View Post
                      Teddie that's just not fair to you or your children. If you want to provide the best you can for them, barely being able to afford groceries is just pathetic when you have the option to do more. Could say you're failing yourself and your kids by coddling their mother.
                      I worded it wrong, what I was trying to say is that after paying for groceries clothing etc, I have little left for any other expenses I incurr in day to day life. I live with family but still have costs. But yes, the children are fed and clothed.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                        Your only recourse after doing all that is to keep track of all the unfair mooching she's been doing, and then itemize it to be subtracted from her equalization. Who knows when that will occur though, or how easy it will be to do, so be proactive and limit the damage now.

                        If the home is not sold yet, you are still an owner and have every right to go there, and she should not have changed the locks. However, be respectful, give her notice that you intend to come on a particular day to move your personal belongings out, and then bring some neutral friends, or a police officer if you have to, and get your stuff before she does something with it.
                        Yeah that's what I have been doing, keeping track of all expenses, but I don't have a lot of faith in being able to recover all of this money.

                        I recently went to the home with the police to get a lot of my things. I had tried several times to arrange it with her with no luck.

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                        • #13
                          Care to explain why the utilities company won't remove your name? I mean, you may have spoken to some phone monkey who says they just can't remove your name, but that is when you ask to speak to their supervisor. And if the supervisor says the same thing, ask to speak to the next level up.

                          They cannot make you stay on as a customer if you wish to remove yourself as a customer. If the heat gets cutoff in the process, oh well, not your fault. You've told your ex to get it in her own name and given her plenty of notice to get off her butt and do it. If life gets uncomfortable for her due to her own inaction, that is not your fault.

                          Tell your ex that she has 30 days to change all existing utilities contracts to her own name, because at 30 days you will be cancelling everything that is in your own name.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                            Care to explain why the utilities company won't remove your name? I mean, you may have spoken to some phone monkey who says they just can't remove your name, but that is when you ask to speak to their supervisor. And if the supervisor says the same thing, ask to speak to the next level up.

                            They cannot make you stay on as a customer if you wish to remove yourself as a customer. If the heat gets cutoff in the process, oh well, not your fault. You've told your ex to get it in her own name and given her plenty of notice to get off her butt and do it. If life gets uncomfortable for her due to her own inaction, that is not your fault.

                            Tell your ex that she has 30 days to change all existing utilities contracts to her own name, because at 30 days you will be cancelling everything that is in your own name.
                            I've spoken to supervisors/managers and both have told me they need to have confirmation from the other account holder before removing my name. The only utilities left that I remain on are water, hydro, and gas....these three have been a problem.

                            I've tried the approach of giving her a deadline to transfer utilities and she ignores me. Right now I have added up each and every expense I have incurred and will be going after her for the money. It will cost me money to take her to court but I will be seeking costs as well.

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                            • #15
                              I (and many others) contributed meaningfully and often at your time of crisis. I shared my appoach with you time and again.

                              For those who aren't familiar see http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...e-please-7297/.

                              You pissed away all the leverage you had at the time including your ability to secure primary residence and probably sole custody.

                              Instead you let your abusive wife and her mother bully you into submission even at a time when she was "way down now".

                              Based on everything you have said about your ex and what a f**up she is, do you think that 50/50 is in the kids' best interest?

                              Thankfully, you have finally shown a little backbone in your response to me. Now stand up for yourself to her!
                              Last edited by dadtotheend; 03-03-2011, 10:36 AM.

                              Comment

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