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    Hi, my nickname is "loamlump." I live in Central Ontario with 2 children (now 17 and 9, one has severe anxiety disorders and the youngest has Autism). Like all of you, I am going through the process of separation and divorce. It is with great relief to read some of the threads here, and realize I am not alone. I became separated in June 2011 when I called 911; my husband of 12 years threatened to slit my throat in front of the kids. When he went outside for a cigarette, I took the opportunity to shut & lock the door, and pick up the phone. This act ended 12 years of abuse of me and the children.

    After 5 years in and out of the Legal Aid and Court systems, I've paid out $10,000.00 and am currently, officially still Separated, with a Judge's temporary Order for full custody (he was granted 8 hours a week, Sundays, visitation) of the kids and possession of the Matrimonial home (we both are on the deed and mortgage). He was ordered to pay $500 a month child support. No Spousal support was asked for. I have been disabled with back problems since 1998, and receive Ontario Disability.

    Once the Threatening Charge was dealt with, M disappeared for 2 years. I heard news of him through my in-laws, while his mother went into her final illness and then passed in December 2011. It was revealed that he had had a series of lovers since my initial back injury in '98. Once his mother's estate was settled, M disappeared to all until September 2013, when he called me, asking to see the children. I ended up having to take him to court to get rid of him by May 2014. Throughout that time we never resumed or reconciled as he never gave up his girlfriend... It was a intense period of my life.

    Around August of 2014, M went into hiding again. He has not filed income taxes, closed his bank account, stopped coming around on Sundays, moved and otherwise dropped off the face of the Earth. He has never paid any child support, or even bothered to send a birthday card to either child. This year at Christmas, our daughter tried to call him, only to learn his cell number is not in service.

    There are so many facets of my situation I am wondering which forum to start in, or if I should just lump everything together in this thread. I have questions about custody, the mortgage, next steps and so much more. I am tired of living in limbo and I hope that you people here may have the knowledge and experience I lack.

  • #2
    I would lump it into this thread.

    1. If you have an order for CS then you should file it with the family responsibility office (in Ontario) and have them do the collection. They have the means and legal ability to not only locate the other parent but garnish income and tax returns but, they can remove passports and drivers licenses.

    2. With regards to the matrimonial home do you have "exclusive possession" of the home?

    3. You can file for divorce and go through the process of an uncontested trial if the other party doesn't show.

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

    Comment


    • #3
      I did file with FRO, who, after 6 months, said he claimed no income and they couldn't collect. Unless I gave them evidence he is working, which I physically cannot do. He was a roofer and it's all he knows how to do. If he's still with the other woman, he could be in another city.

      Yes, on the Judge's Temporary Order, I have exclusive possession of the house. But his name is still on the title and mortgage. When the mortgage is due for renewal, next March, what do I do if I cannot find him? I no longer am with Legal Aid. After 5 years and $10,000, the lawyer finally told me Legal Aid doesn't "do" divorce.

      But if he can't be served? He hasn't surfaced for 2 years, not even for his children. Where do I even begin to find him to serve him?

      Comment


      • #4
        I assume he has equity (shared) in the home? No expert in this sort of separation, but could the following questions be asked of your lawyer?

        1) His equity in home could be used as payment toward unpaid CS? If so and CS is more than remaining equity; you would have 100% of equity thus should have full title.

        2) In family law is there an abandonment clause? Where he loses all access to assets and children due to walking away? I know abandonment would give you full custody.....but no idea on assets....I assume so. But a lawyer should be asked.

        Your going to know where you stand when the bank comes around when mortgage renewal is required.

        Good luck.

        Comment


        • #5
          Newfie76 I think you have an excellent point of view on this situation.

          Here is an older case (2007) which is similar to the poster's position and may guide her in what she needs to do. I'm sure there are more recent cases but this one seems to fit. Of course it would be beneficial to her that she keeps her legal costs to a minimum. (Too bad she didn't claim spousal support at the time of separation).

          http://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/doc...resultIndex=14


          In summary, a judge could indeed award her an unequal share of the equity of the matrimonial home for unpaid child support.

          Comment


          • #6
            This all makes logical sense to me, and I hope it plays out as in the case you cited, Arabian.

            Based on the Order of $500 a month CS, by the time the mortgage comes up for renewal, he will owe $36,000, which is much more than his equity share. Without financial disclosure for 2011, 12, 13, 14, 15 & 16, it is difficult to guesstimate what his income has been, but I hazard to say it could only have went up. I received a call just this past Friday from a sheet metal company, calling to receive his product order for the month. He must be working.

            The children are both Special Needs, the eldest with several anxiety disorders, the most severe being Social. He is afraid of any and every situation involving people outside his family circle. If I had the money, he would benefit from professional therapy. He is nearly 18 (July), so I am no longer fearful his father, whom he is very afraid of, can seek and obtain custody of.

            The youngest child is on the Autism Spectrum with cognitive and developmental delays. There are many professional assessments that suggest she suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (a result of living with her father and her cognitive state. When she remembers an event she reacts as if it just occurred, re-living the emotional reaction). At nearly 10 years, she is functioning at a 6 year old's level. L is a very complex child, and although I have been the primary care giver since her birth, I am still learning how to help her. I have established a support network for her and I with 3 outside agencies and at present she is experiencing a high point that is crucial to keep up. If her father were ever to obtain custody, I know all the supports and current therapies would be cancelled, as he always claimed there was nothing wrong with her, that she was just a "bad" kid. The danger lies in her ability to forgive at the drop of a smile. If father should show up at the door today with an offer of McDonald's, she'd go. The last time they interacted, he was 2 hours late for the visitation pick up time. We (L and I) had been talking about a friend of her brother's who had some drug issues. When M finally showed up, L blurted out, "Are you on drugs?" Her father slammed the car door and left without a word, with L sobbing in the driveway.

            I fear for my daughter most of all. Should he come forth and demand the house be sold, I can make a good home out of a dog house. But both kids would be fully aware of why we were forced to leave the only home they have ever known. Custody must remain with me, if L is ever going to be a functional member of society. Above all, she must be protected from her father's harsh discipline and ignorant parenting skill.

            I have worked very hard to keep us in our home, working to reduce the mortgage payment (when my mother died, I put the entire inheritance of $25,000 on the house) to $350 a month. That is the only reason why we are still able to live here. The last time the mortgage was renewed, we were still in contact, and he included his CS payments in the income assessments. When he was asked about the possibility of selling the house, he told the bank agent that we would re-visit the issue when L was 18 years old.

            If he plans on resurfacing in 8 years, based on that $500 a month, $84,000 would be owed in CS payments! And the custody issue would be void.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by arabian View Post
              (Too bad she didn't claim spousal support at the time of separation).
              Really?

              #1) Marriage to a man is not a lottery win!
              #2) Any Woman who thinks a man MUST pay Spousal Support, is a woman who believes in the first statement and/or feels she is not equal to man and that she is TOO weak to care for herself. Therefore, requires a man to continuously take care of her.
              #3) If the latter is true, a woman who can not care and support her self requiring income to come from a man....surly can not support a family, therefore should not be fit to take care of children!
              #4) Spousal is only a means for the government to wash their hands of people that can not take care of themselves. Hence why one can not divorce financially.
              #5) It takes a big person to say they support equal rights...takes a bigger person to turn away spousal support.
              #6) A whooping 89 percent of divorced children resent the parent who received spousal support from the other parent. Karma is a bitch!!

              Loamlump most likely is a strong independent woman who can take care of herself and her family.....

              Loamlump...your ex is clearly a lowlife....good for you to take care of things yourself...stay independent!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Newfie76 View Post
                Really?

                #1) Marriage to a man is not a lottery win!
                #2) Any Woman who thinks a man MUST pay Spousal Support, is a woman who believes in the first statement and/or feels she is not equal to man and that she is TOO weak to care for herself. Therefore, requires a man to continuously take care of her.
                #3) If the latter is true, a woman who can not care and support her self requiring income to come from a man....surly can not support a family, therefore should not be fit to take care of children!
                #4) Spousal is only a means for the government to wash their hands of people that can not take care of themselves. Hence why one can not divorce financially.
                #5) It takes a big person to say they support equal rights...takes a bigger person to turn away spousal support.
                #6) A whooping 89 percent of divorced children resent the parent who received spousal support from the other parent. Karma is a bitch!!

                Loamlump most likely is a strong independent woman who can take care of herself and her family.....

                Loamlump...your ex is clearly a lowlife....good for you to take care of things yourself...stay independent!

                Karma is indeed a bitch to those who run and hide. Your position that women are merely "breeders" is noted. Tax-payors (the government) should not have to look after people (with severe medical issues) who are abandoned, left raising the sperm-donor's children. However, we are a compassionate society and yes ex-spouses and children of deadbeats are cared for by tax-payors.

                Marriage to a woman is a privilege and what comes with that is a moral and LEGAL responsibility. If you don't agree then don't get married and don't have children.

                Comment


                • #9
                  With respect to one of the OP's questions - how can she serve papers when she hasn't seen ex for two years and doesn't know where he is - she can request an order for substituted service. This means that she would have to prepare an affidavit saying that she can't find the ex, what steps she has taken to try to find him, and what an alternative to serving the papers on him personally might be (e.g. sending papers to his mother, leaving them on his car, sending them to his last known workplace, etc). If the order is granted, the OP can proceed with her divorce (and possibly with other matters, like the mortgage renewal, but I'm not sure about that) even if she can't locate her ex. The exact procedure for an order for substituted service varies by province, but this is something that a clerk at the courthouse should be able to help with.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Does anyone know how many years must pass to have a legal "abandonment" case? Like 5 years? I may be a "breeder" and living off taxpayer/government handouts, but I'm no fool. I am doing the best I can with what I have. The children come first, and are my responsibility. I am my own responsibility. The goals are to raise both children to be independent, fully functioning, contributing members of society, and for me to reduce/eliminate our dependency on governmental/taxpayer handouts.

                    I want to use the equity in the house to renovate-establish a 2 bedroom apartment in the basement of our house, which would get us off welfare permanently. I cannot access the equity in the house without his consent and signature, firstly because I can't find him, and secondly he wouldn't sign if I asked. If I could trade the owed child support payments for him removing himself from the deed and mortgage, then I'd have the green light to accessing the equity.

                    I wouldn't want to seek him out until the time requirement is fulfilled for abandonment, . I would think the easiest way would be to trace him through the driver's license, but I think I lawyer would have to do that? His mother died in 2011 and his siblings lost contact with him after the estate was settled.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I did not ask for Spousal because I did not want to be dependent on him for a dime. It felt like I would "owe" him. I gave 12 years of my life to an ever increasing control freak, feeling I owed him for helping me with my disabilities. That is more than enough.

                      If I could've done it, I would not have asked for child support. But I'm glad I did now, given the current situation and goals. It is good thing he is not around the kids, he's the cause of the PTSD and anxiety problems all 3 of us here have (I have professional assessments to back me up on this statement. If he wee to press for more visitation time, I was going to use those assessments to block it, but it's turned out not to be necessary to claim child abuse.

                      Although we live hand-to-mouth, and I've had to sell every valuable I owned or inherited to pay for a new furnace and repairs, the kids have everything they need and some of the things they want. I feed them well, home-made everything and I grow quite a bit of food in an ample garden. I go to clothing drives and have learned to sew cast-offs into new clothes. Sometimes, I've had to go to the food bank. I cannot let the sense of shame prevent me from providing, pride has to be swallowed when your child needs new shoes.We get by without the $500 a month.

                      I have multiple disabilities that prevent me from full time employment, the most serious is Multiple Sclerosis. I no longer drive because of this and getting around is becoming increasingly difficult. Eventually, I'll be in a wheelchair. The MS was diagnosed in 2007, when I was pregnant with my second child. At the first ultrasound, a large malignant tumor was found wrapped around my bladder. In spite of this I carried full term and delivered naturally, but that resulted in horrendous damage to every body part in the area.

                      I have private health insurance, which is deducted from the Ontario Disability I receive. In total, the Ontario tax payer donates $365 a month, plus some of my medications. I am grateful for the assistance, truly I am. But it rattles me to be considered a charity case or a "breeder." Yes, my second child was a surprise, but I cherish her just as much as her older brother. If I could go back in time and change anything, it would be to take away her disabilities, the Autism, and I would have ended my marriage as soon as she was born. But I would still have her. I was just so sick after she was born, the bladder tumor burst during delivery and tore away my ovaries, ripped open intestines... It took a long time to recover, then the MS kicked in... I left M once before, we went to a woman's shelter, but the conditions there, with my disabilities and L's, it wasn't good. Then M threatened to kill himself if I didn't return home. I understand now that is a classic controller/abusive response, but at the time I bought it.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Loamlump, the fact that you did not ask for spousal support only means your a strong individual. There are numerous studies on the psychological effects spousal has on both spouses....You obviously recognize the effects it could have on you. Your ex obviously has problems....the less your reliant on him the better for everyone.

                        Incredible idea on the apartment for income!! Just shows how strong you are!! . My situation is completely opposite of yours, but I started to Uber as a means to supplement income. Its not much but it helps me pay for some fun stuff for the kids.....I work 8-5 then eat then Uber 6-12 every night I dont have my kids...and I too have disabilities. But I must pay my unemployed Deadbeat ex half my salary while she gets to sit at home all day doing nothing...She is unable to take care of herself let alone the kids financially.

                        There are Deadbeat DADs; who abandon their family; and then there are DEADBEAT Mothers who live off their ex husbands and have no intention to work or go to school. Why can I not be given the opportunity to take permanent vacation too? I firmly believe that everyone should be able to take care themselves in this society....And just because one marries another does not mean the government washes their hands of the situation, nor does it mean the LOTTERY WIN. Welfare is a safety net; when a person falls off the wagon society steps in and catches them.....My ex fell off the wagon....why should I be responsible for someone who beat me, mentally abused me and committed adultery on me multiple times...oh ya because the government said its ok!!! And that I must be linked to this person until death due to two little things called "NO FAULT DIVORCE" and "Spousal Support"!!

                        Not sure why you mentioned "Breeders".....you or any other woman are not a "breeder"! It takes two to "Breed".....and it should be required by law to provide support financially from both sides...ie. work! Otherwise the one that sits home all day or does not contribute financially are "Deadbeats"! Deadbeat mothers or fathers should not be allowed to have even 50/50 custody....weekends only at most! No room for the lazy. If one does not work....one should not even think of having children....(Wish I knew of that concept 8 years ago).

                        Of note: Get a lawyer!! have no idea if the abandonment of property will work in your case....it makes sense to me you should get the house....but with Canadian law who knows.

                        Another note: If you could find a senior looking for a rental before you renovate....there is/was a program in place through the provincial government Ontario (I think; maybe federal) that gave you up to $20,000 grant to renovate; as long as the senior was to stay and rent there. Google it.... its a program to help seniors find homes....I remember the key was that the senior must be found before you renovate....

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by arabian View Post
                          Karma is indeed a bitch to those who run and hide. Your position that women are merely "breeders" is noted. Tax-payors (the government) should not have to look after people (with severe medical issues) who are abandoned, left raising the sperm-donor's children. However, we are a compassionate society and yes ex-spouses and children of deadbeats are cared for by tax-payors.

                          Marriage to a woman is a privilege and what comes with that is a moral and LEGAL responsibility. If you don't agree then don't get married and don't have children.
                          Too funny....where did the "Breeder" statement come from? It takes two to breed! Thus one person can not be considered the "Breeder".

                          I too have medical issues and work 16 hour/day on days I dont see my kids; only to hand the money over to my abusive ex wife. My ex sits at home, the days she does not have the kids or while they are at school. She obtains child and spousal support...with no intention of ever working again. Why can I not have that life? What did I ever do morally wrong to be condemned like this? I am not sure how much longer I can continue to do this....If I dont work...we all go on welfare...wait not me (law says my earning potential requires me to continue paying my ex regardless of my actual employment). Burn out will occur soon......

                          Your last comment is actually very true! I am a promoter of anti marriage in Canada. As long as the laws (lobbied by women's rights groups) continue to swing toward male slavery....I condemn marriage in Canada. Its a legal system that continues to be aggressive toward men...without looking at "EQUAL RIGHTS". We are all people! We are all human! Why are there movements against men? There should be a unified movement for EQUALITY! Until that EQUALITY movement...I support MGTOW (Men Going There Own Way); no marriage, no common law, no children. Adoption for single men is on the rise in many cities....MGTOW is gaining momentum.

                          Equality! Both contribute equally, both care for equally, both provide equally. It a dream that will NEVER happen. Look at Washington yesterday....sad. There was nothing about equality.....just angry women demanding more.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Just curious how the judge got the amount of child support of $500. Did he base this on evidence you presented the first time? Did he impute an income to him and base it on that? Did he show up to court at these times when the orders were made? Have you been back to court about the child support not being paid and about him avoiding everything?

                            Originally posted by loamlump View Post
                            Hi, my nickname is "loamlump." I live in Central Ontario with 2 children (now 17 and 9, one has severe anxiety disorders and the youngest has Autism). Like all of you, I am going through the process of separation and divorce. It is with great relief to read some of the threads here, and realize I am not alone. I became separated in June 2011 when I called 911; my husband of 12 years threatened to slit my throat in front of the kids. When he went outside for a cigarette, I took the opportunity to shut & lock the door, and pick up the phone. This act ended 12 years of abuse of me and the children.

                            After 5 years in and out of the Legal Aid and Court systems, I've paid out $10,000.00 and am currently, officially still Separated, with a Judge's temporary Order for full custody (he was granted 8 hours a week, Sundays, visitation) of the kids and possession of the Matrimonial home (we both are on the deed and mortgage). He was ordered to pay $500 a month child support. No Spousal support was asked for. I have been disabled with back problems since 1998, and receive Ontario Disability.

                            Once the Threatening Charge was dealt with, M disappeared for 2 years. I heard news of him through my in-laws, while his mother went into her final illness and then passed in December 2011. It was revealed that he had had a series of lovers since my initial back injury in '98. Once his mother's estate was settled, M disappeared to all until September 2013, when he called me, asking to see the children. I ended up having to take him to court to get rid of him by May 2014. Throughout that time we never resumed or reconciled as he never gave up his girlfriend... It was a intense period of my life.

                            Around August of 2014, M went into hiding again. He has not filed income taxes, closed his bank account, stopped coming around on Sundays, moved and otherwise dropped off the face of the Earth. He has never paid any child support, or even bothered to send a birthday card to either child. This year at Christmas, our daughter tried to call him, only to learn his cell number is not in service.

                            There are so many facets of my situation I am wondering which forum to start in, or if I should just lump everything together in this thread. I have questions about custody, the mortgage, next steps and so much more. I am tired of living in limbo and I hope that you people here may have the knowledge and experience I lack.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              The $500 a month child support was based upon the income tax assessments he filed for his roofing business, the only ones available, for 4 years (2008, '09, '10, '11 & '12) and my personal income statements. When our marriage fell apart, he threatened to "break your f*cking neck" in front of the children during a fight (he wanted access to our son's bank account & I said no). He was outside smoking, and I took the opportunity to shut and lock the doors, called 911. He ran, but they caught up with him. 2 days later he was granted 1 hour's access to the house's contents, under police escort. I took the baby for a walk. In hindsight, I should've stayed, but I was so afraid of him! He took all the financial papers, the home computer, and service accounts. (He had all the utilities shut off within 2 days. Thankfully, it was June, so no having no gas heat wasn't a biggie). It took months to reconstitute the loss of the financial documents, but I did it. The police were wrong to allow him to take the house's computer. Not only was it paid for by me, but it had all the baby's first 3 years of photographs on it, and my small business' - natural bodycare products - recipes and business works, and my other 'hobby-class' business of 19th century agriculture/horticulture research documents on it. I had back ups of all on CD, but without a pc to run them for 8 months, I lost both business's income and contacts. He had a laptop with all his own roofing business stuff on it; there was no need for him to take the desk top pc.

                              Anyway, the $500 was based on what documents I could provide, and the judge imputed at the basic rate. M claimed he was unable to work due to weather, illness and injury each time the subject came up. He did show for these court proceedings, self-represented. His lines for not paying child support were poverty, and I was "poisoning" his children against him (I didn't have to. He did a fine job of that himself).

                              I have not been back to court for nearly 2 years. I had Legal Aid. I separate in June 2011, 4 years in and out of court, three different lawyers and a $10,000 lien on the house (since cleared) and no conclusion to anything is enough for me at the moment. I was told Legal Aid doesn't "do" divorces by the last lawyer. I have had numerous conversations with FRO however, and my Ontario Disability rep - ODSB used to demand all Child and/or Spousal support payments be actively pursued by the recipient (as of 2016 that is no longer required). FRO's contact with M consisted of him claiming no income, even though he was driving a car and paying rent of an apartment, and $0 inheritance (which I supplied proof that he received $45,000 by the paperwork provided by my brother-in-law, the Executor). FRO did nothing to collect a red cent. I had $80 deducted from the ODSB because I failed to collect Child Support, and $20 because I never asked for or collected Spousal. I have since 2016 gotten the Child amount back.

                              The last time we were in court, he described a litany of reasons why I should not have exclusive possession of the house, but his reasons were all personal - I am a poor housekeeper, terrible cook, I wouldn't "put out" when he was "randy. In open court he said he wanted "The house AND it's contents sold immediately." The judge was taken back by this, and asked for clarification - "Items your children use everyday, and their belongings?" "Everything!" M replied. That went over like a fart in an elevator. He was more concerned about me being cold in bed and getting every dime out of the house - including the sale of L's crib and C's Xbox, than how his children were/where/how going to live. I was given Temporary Full Custody (with 8 hours Visitation granted per week) and Temporary exclusive Possession of the House.

                              But since, then, nothing has been concluded. M had his full 8 hours with L every week (C went once, and that was it for him) for about a month. Then he came back early with her, or came later and later for pick up until they were down to 30 minutes at a local park.

                              We met up at the bank 2 years ago when the mortgage came up for renewal. At that time, he said we would re-visit the issue of selling the house when L turned 18 (that'll be 9 years from now), and he included his Child Support payments in the income assessment. The mortgage was set for renewal based on my income alone, up for renewal in five years.

                              After our last argument (When L asked him if he was on drugs), he sent a flurry of awful text messages where he called me everything but a white woman, demanding again, the house and it's contents sold immediately. He also threatened that if I continued to have a lawyer, he would make sure I never saw my child again. That's when I called the police and had them record M's text messages. They contacted him and told him one more text and he'd be charged with uttering threats and harassment.

                              I think he accepted 2 or 3 phone calls from L after that. I dialed the cell phone number for her. He promised he would take her Trick or Treating that October, 2015, but never showed. She didn't mention it, so I didn't either. Then, this Christmas day, she asked me to dial the number again. All we got was the message, "The number you have dialed is not in service."

                              Comment

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