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  • Ramifications?

    Posting this for a family member ....

    Couple married over 15 yrs. Have 2 kids ages 15 (girl) & 14 (boy)

    Husband left wife 8 wks ago and left the matrimonial home but moved just down the street & into his parents home. See's kids every day either in mornings before work or after work.

    Kids either want to live primarily with him and/or 50/50 split (depending on their moods at the time).

    After him being gone approx. 4 weeks, wife realizes that he's NOT coming back & they start talking about options (selling home, one of them keeping home so kids' don't have their home-base disrupted, etc.). Wife agree's that husband should keep the home as she can't afford it.

    Now 4 weeks after that and after he's gone to the bank to ensure he can pay her out, get a new mortgage, etc ... she's come back to him saying that she doesn't want him to keep the home, doesn't want him bringing any "whores" into HER home, has saw a lawyer for an initial consult, etc ...

    His main concern is should he be moving back into the matrimonial home ASAP (spare bedroom of course) or continue on as is and push forward for the house to be sold? He really doesn't WANT to move back in but he also doesn't want to end up screwing himself over.

    Right now both their paycheques still go into their joint account so all the bills are being paid. She makes approx. $40,000/yr and him just under $80,000.

    He's at the point now where he just wants resolution. Wants to be able to either buy her out or sell ... he really doesn't care which but wants to be able to open his own bank account and not have her questioning him if he withdraws $40 to go golfing or to eat out, etc ...

    I've given him my old Separation Agreement and told him to follow it and change it according to his situation but he hasn't done this yet. I'm trying to get both of them to avoid lawyers if at all possible because as we all know, the costs are stupid & lawyers end up causing more hostility & anger so they can rack up their billable hours. But the wife is now past the grieving stage and is PISSED OFF and bitter & exceptionally hostile and not really willing to "talk" or "negotiate".

    He's afraid that by him leaving the home (even though he's literally 10 houses down the street) it's going to come back to bite him on the ass somehow. My only fear is that wife can & will drag this on indefinitely and why not since the household income is still the same as they still have same bank account, she's living in the 3800 sq ft home while he's in a bedroom at his parents. Why should she be in a hurry to disrupt her life, kwim?

    Advice?

  • #2
    Unless there is a restraining order or court order restricting him from living there, he should move back in as soon as possible. Moving out was the single worst thing he could do (relating to custody). He has effectively said he is content with his STBX as the custodial parent of the kids.

    When it comes to who owns the house, at the end of the day, there are 3 choices:

    1. she buys him out;
    2. he buys her out; or
    3. the house is sold and the equity is split.

    If he has made reasonable offers to buy her out and is capable of carrying the mortgage, she would most likely get hammered in court with costs related to the disposition of the matrimonial home as she is being unreasonable. She can't say "I'm willing to sell the house for fair market value to anybody but you."

    She can be upset all she wants. He should move back in, carry a digital voice recorder on him 100% of the time, and never engage her in any conversation that doesn't relate to the children. He should have his own room, with a padlock and deadbolt, that he can store his stuff in.

    Unless he wants to possibly have his personal belongs go "missing" and leave the maintenance of the house to his ex, he should move back in, but cover his butt.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks Hammerdad ...

      The custody issue it seems is the least of his worries as the kids' are 15 & 14 and have expressed that they want to stay with him primarily & see mom liberally (ie. 50% or so).

      From my understanding ... at the kids' ages, they pretty much can say where they choose to reside primarily & if it ended up in court, a judge would respect their wishes ... (is this not the case given that all things are equal in so far as parenting?)

      His concern is the "house" and it being dragged on while he's living in a single bedroom at his parents house. If she refuses to put it up for sale ASAP what options does he have (other then seeing a lawyer)?

      TIA

      Comment


      • #4
        I'd be getting that bank account situation changed ASAP. If there are joint holdings he could be setting himself up to have them cleaned out. It's been done to friends of mine. He can get a private account and transfer what is needed to cover costs of the house into the joint although. Ask someone if he is responsible for paying for the house if he has left it? Might put some pressure on her so resolve the house issue when she is carrying all the weight of it. Sorry I don't know.

        Get an apraisal done on the house asap since the date of separation was 8 weeks ago. So that he has the value and then he can say house is worth XXXX either buy me out, let me buy you out, or lets sell.

        Comment


        • #5
          With a house that large, he could certainly move into a spare room (with a lock!) and not have to have much contact with her. He has just as much right to be there as she does. If they want to keep the kids in the home for stability, and the kids sound like they would prefer to live with him and are of the age to make that decision stick, then logic would dictate he's the one who keeps the house. And if he's in it, he's closer to his kids, which helps them, and doesn't let her get used to having it all to herself and controlling what happens to it. I think it would be a lot easier to push for resolution from within, as there is less incentive for her to drag it out.

          However, the ex is not working from logic, but from anger. So he'll need to take steps to protect himself (digital recorder in case she accuses him of domestic violence, keep his personal valuables locked up safe elsewhere, make copies of all important documentation and financial stuff before it mysteriously vanishes, etc) and get ready for a fight. Hopefully her anger will burn out instead of simmer, and she'll begin to reach a reasonable discussion stage. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

          One thing not yet mentioned: he should absolutely and immediately separate their finances. Close out all joint accounts, open his own bank account for his paycheck, do not give his ex access to any money he earns anymore. Don't stop paying his half of the bills, but pay them out of the new account. He has to do this before she starts going crazy with money out of anger (or withdraws thousands for a legal retainer!), and it helps clarify a firm separation date as well.

          I think she could wreak a lot more havoc having continued access to the joint accounts than she could living in the home, to be honest. And once she has to pay exactly half the bills on her smaller salary (he wouldn't owe her child support yet because he still lives with them all the time, and he wouldn't owe her spousal support yet because she hasn't presented a case for it) for a while, she will begin to see the need to do something about the house.

          Or if he wants to get aggressive, say if it still keeps dragging on, he could file for exclusive possession of the home, I think. I'm not sure how that works.

          But as in all cases with an angry soon to be ex-wife, he needs to get a digital voice recorder and wear it all the time, to record what she says to him and what goes on between them. We've heard too many horror stories of previously reasonable women having men arrested out of the home by false accusations of abuse, and then ending up with the home and custody due to status quo developed while the hapless man is kept out and away under a restraining order.

          Comment


          • #6
            All good advice

            Comment

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