Crossing Boundaries?

[DunnMom]

Would this bother you:

I've been divorced almost 10 yrs kids now 15 & 13, remarried 8 yrs ago, ex also in a long-term relationship. We have a strained relationship at best but when together in public we act respectful towards each other but we're certainly not inviting each other over for Christmas Dinner, etc ... normally if he picks the kids' up he'll come to the door and wait in the front entrance way.

So about 6 wks ago, ex was dropping one son off early on a Sunday morning (9am'ish) after spending the weekend with him. I was in a night-shirt in the family room and heard him come to the front door, could hear them talking and then heard the front door close so I assumed he had left. (My husband was at Cdn Tire picking up a few things as we had just moved into our new home a few weeks prior)

About 15 min. after I think ex has left, I hear hammering coming from upstairs and I'm thinking "WTF is kid doing, he better not be hammering things into the new walls without asking first". I go upstairs (still in my pj's) and walk in on my ex, in my son's bedroom, standing on a chair, hammering something into the wall. Something that he KNEW I didn't want up on my son's wall in our new home. Regardless of what he was hammering am I totally off base thinking that he had absolutely no business coming into my home and going upstairs to the bedrooms without at least asking me if I was ok with it. Never mind the fact that he was doing home reno's in MY home without my consent.

I bit my tongue at that time and just kept thinking "holy hell, if my husband comes home and see's this he's going to blow a gasket"

I did send ex a very short email about a week later asking that he please not come into my house any further than the front hallway without my permission in the future as it made me very uncomfortable and was told that it's his son's room and he's allowed in it if he wants.

How do I handle this? Kids are frequently home while I'm not when ex picks them up or drops by ... I don't want to put the kids' in the middle and say "your dad can't come into the house any further then the front door" but I'm REALLY not comfortable with my ex wandering around mine & my husbands home.

[HammerDad]

Send him an email stating that, unless specifically permitted by you, he is not allowed further than the entry way of your house. While it is the child's room, it is your house. Should he persist with not respecting your wishes and boundaries he will not be permitted in your house whatsoever and can wait outside the front door.

State you wish you boundaries to be respected as you wouldn't invite yourself into his house even to see the child's room and expect the same consideration in return.

Should he be unwilling to abide by the rules of your house, he will not be permitted entry in the future.

[Mess]

The kid, 15, invited him in to help with something that the kid would have done on his own, but would probably screw up.

The dad, with 15 seconds to think it through, did what the kid asked.

With an hour to think it through, the dad would have realized that it was the wrong thing to do. But we don't all have computer brains.

Once challenged, the dad doesn't want to just back down and admit that they were totally wrong. It would be nice if everyone could do this, but most of the time, most of can't. He's being defensive because he knows he's in the wrong. If he was right, he wouldn't have to be defensive.

I agree with Hammerdad, you need to explictly state some boundaries, but with understanding that the ex probably knows he's wrong but is too embarassed to apologize. Step back and say it in a compassionate way and he probably will.

[CCB]

It's yours and your husband's home, not your son's actually LOL. You know your ex best, so if you think he was just being defensive because he knows he was wrong, I would just let it go. If you think it might happen again, I would email him back telling him that from now on, please wait on the front step or in the driveway during pick-up.

If he doesn't respect you and your husband's property then he's just asking for trouble. My husband would also have flipped had he come home to something like that. Hell, I would flip if I came home and my husband's ex-wife was in my home past the front door.

Kids together or not, your ex has no right to enter your home, that ended with divorce.

[cbarker78]

I give you a LOT of credit for handling it that way!! My knee-jerk reaction would likely be "what the fudge do you think you are doing?!?!?!"

LOL!!

Totally agree with above posters, but feeling a little feisty this lovely Friday the 13th... turn it around and ask him "And how would you feel if I entered your home to go to MY child's room and started hammering things into the wall?!?!"

Really now?! LOL!!

Good luck!!

[Gary M]

Yup: Everybody nailed it.

State your problem in a way that won't ruffle feathers (yes, he was wrong, but not caring about who's right and who's wrong is part of being an adult) and then set firm, unambiguous boundaries (again, worded in a was that won't ruffle feathers)

"Dear Deadmeat,

Despite your best intentions, I fear that your self-invitation into the house while I was half-naked may have been misinterpereted by my new husband who holds a nanadan in jujutsu, collects handguns, and has an out of control hair-trigger protection response where I and/or the kids are concerned. Although we're not married any more, we had some good times and made some beautiful kids: I'd hate to see you die horribly like the last guy my new beau caught during a home invasion.

In the future, I think it best (and safest) if you never, ever, ever come beyond the foyer unless I am there to greet and guide you... You're a reasonable and intelligent man, and I know that you understand the reason for, and neccessity of, these boundaries.

K? Thanks."

Cheers!

Gary

[DunnMom]

PRICELESS Gary!!! And great name since its also my husbands ))

[mcdreamy]

oh my.. I can't believe he did that! I would have been in shock lol.

I've had my ex in my house, upstairs, before, but that was because dd wanted to show him her bedroom and that seemed ok to me. She instigated the visit upstairs... as did your son. Course, I knew about it. Like Mess said, it was probably a split second decision that your ex more than likely now regrets.

Loving Gary's response.