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  • #16
    Soccermom - Once you told the officer you were choosing to leave the residence to stay at your parents, you opened the door for him to reside in the house. Had you said you planned on spending the night and coming back the next day, the officer may have taken a different direction. But if your statement about living with your parents was open-ended, as in it could be indefinitely, there would be no reasonable reason to cause the house to be empty and each occupant to find alternate residence.

    You may have to accept that you may have some responsibility in the words you may have used that allowed the officer to make such decision.

    Yes, he assaulted you. No the house shouldn't be abandoned while the process works out. As for your clothes and other goods, you should have discussed this with the police. They can arrange for you to enter the house without fear of the restraining order. They also would likely attend to ensure nothing further happened. So, again, you will see that you do have some responsibility here. I know you were likely a wreck, but even then you need to educate yourself (sometimes then more then ever).

    Comment


    • #17
      I don't have anger issues, slughead10. But I do think I have a right to be angry given my experience and the struggles I've had to face. I've come to this forum to get objective advice and look for opinions. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But yes, I'm frustrated...and tired. Comments like yours are rude and uncalled for.

      I can tell you I've been through hell the past year. And all during this I've tried not to act vindictively or out of spite towards my ex because I want to have a clear heart once this is over and also set a good example for my kids.

      I'm not one who likes conflict on any level and tends to avoid it. Perhaps why I stayed as long as I did in an abusive relationship. So I'm thinking perhaps this forum is not the place for me. I want to hear differing opinions but I feel like I'm being attacked. Hm, maybe its not anger issues, perhaps persecution complex, huh, slughead10?

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
        I don't have anger issues, slughead10. But I do think I have a right to be angry given my experience and the struggles I've had to face. I've come to this forum to get objective advice and look for opinions. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But yes, I'm frustrated...and tired. Comments like yours are rude and uncalled for.
        You need to possibly recognize this and seek out much more objective and professional assistance to deal with your frustration and feeling tired. You may not find what you are looking for here and the kind of emotional support you may truly need at this time.

        Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
        I'm not one who likes conflict on any level and tends to avoid it. Perhaps why I stayed as long as I did in an abusive relationship. So I'm thinking perhaps this forum is not the place for me. I want to hear differing opinions but I feel like I'm being attacked. Hm, maybe its not anger issues, perhaps persecution complex, huh, slughead10?
        A simple observation. You state that you don't "like conflict on any level and tend to avoid it" yet, you engaged in conflict with others in this thread.

        Good Luck!
        Tayken

        Comment


        • #19
          lol Soccermom. I'd advise you to hit ignore on the women-hating trolls on this forum.

          You'll figure out quickly enough who they are. They have nothing useful to impart and generally try to get much lacking female-attention by saying idiotic things in an attempt to rile you up.

          Its a common theme with men who spend their lives being rejected by women...they're bitter, angry little dudes (stress on the "little"...LOL).

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          • #20
            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
            I'll have you know in the weeks following the assault my ex was on a dating site sending multiple messages a day, hosting hot tub parties and attending cottage parties. All on facebook for all to see (the parties not the dating...I heard that first-hand from a mutual friend).
            This DEFINITELY sounds someone's life is melting down, as this is far from normal behaviour. I would guess he is trying to find ways to feel good to help cope with the stress he is under. It's not a good way to do it, but it's understandable.

            Originally posted by SoccerMom
            I don't want to see him fry, I just wanted it to be fair.
            This is a nice statement and a good sentiment... repeat it to yourself every day. Unfortunately what constitutes "fair" between two people separating is not always straight-forward to determine.

            Anyways, I definitely agree with Tayken. This forum is pretty bad at giving emotional support as we all have different perspectives and some of us will play devil's advocate or simply try and see the situation from both people's perspectives rather than simply telling someone what they want to hear.

            I am not attacking anyone... A very wise man once said, "The truth resists simplicity".

            I feel bad for your situation and I can see how the domestic violence, restraining orders, police involvement and potential criminal trial will make something terrible (separation/divorce) much more complicated.

            Make sure you are getting counseling and support from the appropriate people, and we're here to give our perspectives on things from a family law perspective.

            Comment


            • #21
              Thanks Tayken for your advice on the medical professional but I've been in counseling since the assault and will continue to do so moving forward. The counselor I've seen has been very supportive and so far hasn't suggested an asylum so I think I'm handling things ok. She hasn't mentioned anything so far about mental health issues but she does think I'm getting dicked around on a multitude of levels by both the criminal and family sides. So no worries, I asked for help right from the get-go.

              I'm unsure then, Tayken, why there is a domestic violence thread if people shouldn't be speaking about their experiences. Isn't that the point? I initially posted about this to 'rant' about my frustration with the criminal side of things. Is that not allowed? Do I automatically suffer from mental health issues because I'm frustrated with my experiences?

              And HammerDad, you are correct, I should have been more assertive with my words with the officer. I do take responsibility for that. Problem is when you've been beaten physically (and verbally) it affects your self-esteem and the last thing I felt I should be doing is challenging a police officer. I was a mess and I thought maybe I had misunderstood VCU but you're right I should have been more assertive and the outcome might have been different.

              Comment


              • #22
                It bears repeating, what plans does your STBX have for time with his kids? Has he asked? Have you offered? What's going on with them?

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                  lol Soccermom. I'd advise you to hit ignore on the women-hating trolls on this forum.

                  You'll figure out quickly enough who they are. They have nothing useful to impart and generally try to get much lacking female-attention by saying idiotic things in an attempt to rile you up.

                  Its a common theme with men who spend their lives being rejected by women...they're bitter, angry little dudes (stress on the "little"...LOL).
                  Ah, thank you pursuinghappiness, I appreciate this response muchly. And yes, I'm figuring out pretty quickly who they are. Thanks again

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    No, Tayken, I still don't like the conflict. I'm just trying to stand up for myself since I've had my share of being bullied Trying something new I suppose....

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                      lol Soccermom. I'd advise you to hit ignore on the women-hating trolls on this forum.

                      You'll figure out quickly enough who they are. They have nothing useful to impart and generally try to get much lacking female-attention by saying idiotic things in an attempt to rile you up.

                      Its a common theme with men who spend their lives being rejected by women...they're bitter, angry little dudes (stress on the "little"...LOL).
                      Hahahahahhahahahahahaha! LOVE IT!!

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by FightingForFamily View Post
                        It bears repeating, what plans does your STBX have for time with his kids? Has he asked? Have you offered? What's going on with them?
                        Basically, he didn't try to initiate any parent time for about a month and a half since he stated he didn't know he could. Supervised visitation started once/weekly in Sept 2012 and has continued until this time. There was a period of time in Oct 2012 where he disappeared for a few weeks. There have also been a few weekends where he just didn't call. And he has cut a few of his visits short to attend bbq's and parties. But other than that has been fairly consistent with his visits.

                        Financially he didn't provide any support until it was part of the order in April 2013. He's paying less than guidelines currently. He did deposit a blank check in Oct 2012 though and take out $100 putting our only joint account in the negative. He refuses to buy a car seat to transport his daughter so we use mine each time his step-mom picks up his daughter. I provide all necessities (diapers, wipes, clothes etc).

                        I have never denied him parent time, ever, though he is falsely making allegations that I have. Through phone records I've proven them false. In fact he has often called less than 24 hrs to make arrangments yet he is always given his time even though that's not part of the agreement.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                          I don't have anger issues, slughead10. But I do think I have a right to be angry given my experience and the struggles I've had to face. I've come to this forum to get objective advice and look for opinions. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But yes, I'm frustrated...and tired. Comments like yours are rude and uncalled for.
                          I thought slughead was being extremely reasonable and spoke fairly.

                          You've come to the forum and not received the answers you wanted to receive. You are now being very defensive.

                          When you go to court you will be challenged on all of your assertions. Get used to it. If there is information relevant to a particular statement or claim, you have to include it. Yes, you have to explain yourself.

                          If you think that your ex's anger issues and the assault have anything to do with your family law case, then you have to show it. No one, including a judge, is going to assume a connection.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                            Thanks Tayken for your advice on the medical professional but I've been in counseling since the assault and will continue to do so moving forward.
                            I truly hope this medical professional is at minimum a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist whom is trained specifically in the matter of providing emotional support to victims of intimate partner abuse. The emotional support you need from a professional shouldn't be given in my opinion by a social worker. But, that is just my opinion.

                            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                            The counselor I've seen has been very supportive and so far hasn't suggested an asylum so I think I'm handling things ok.
                            Hopefully they are trained in cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) psychotherapy treatment.

                            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                            She hasn't mentioned anything so far about mental health issues but she does think I'm getting dicked around on a multitude of levels by both the criminal and family sides. So no worries, I asked for help right from the get-go.
                            I am personally surprised that a mental health worker would comment as such about legal matters. They are not qualified to make legal recommendations and should be focusing on helping you develop coping strategies and skills for your mental health needs. This is because they could run the risk of transference with their clients.

                            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                            I'm unsure then, Tayken, why there is a domestic violence thread if people shouldn't be speaking about their experiences.
                            I am not suggesting that you should not be or what the intent of this category of postings is for. If you are looking for objective perspectives on the elements of Rule 24.(4) of the Children's Law Reform Act and what evidence is required to demonstrate "violence and abuse" in the context of a custody and access dispute this thread would be an appropriate place.

                            But, if you are looking to this community as a community of victims of intimate partner abuse whom can provide emotional support you may have come to the wrong forum.

                            I highly recommend you ask your therapist if posting on this forum is a good idea at this point in your treatment.

                            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                            Isn't that the point? I initially posted about this to 'rant' about my frustration with the criminal side of things. Is that not allowed?
                            Not saying it isn't. But, if people don't accept your story at face value and challenge your position on the hearsay evidence you provide under an anonymous poster this is allowable too. In kind consideration to the fact that you are alledging to be a victim of intimate partner abuse I am just advising you that this forum may not be an appropriate "emotional support" forum. It is a legal forum from my viewpoint generally.

                            Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                            Do I automatically suffer from mental health issues because I'm frustrated with my experiences?
                            Who stated that you were? I generally recommend to all people alleging that they are victims of intimate partner abuse to seek proper counselling from a trained and qualified practitioner of mental health services. Especially one that won't provide subjective statements on legal matters and focus on their client's emotional needs - not their legal needs.

                            There are also excellent face-to-face support groups that are managed and run by mental health professionals where you could get much better and directed support for your needs.

                            Ranting rarely in my experience leads to problem solving. Generally, the majority of the members of this community do not take things at face value and out of the box support people's ranting.

                            As PH pointed out, you may experience some similar conduct from people on this forum that could potentially mirror your past experiences and impact your treatment. This forum, as suggested by PH does contain controversial contributors that may scratch your post-traumatic issues and could set back your treatment. I am just being objective by stating this.

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Well I can say this with absolute certainty.

                              If he was given a conditional discharge - you would have been contacted by his parole office, and they would have gone over his 'conditions' as they pertain to you.

                              That you claim you had no knowledge of his conditions affects your credibility in my opinion. I wonder what else in your post has been skewed to your personal bias, not to say you're telling stories - but rather being directly involved in the situation I PROMISE you that you see everything slightly different than a 3rd person.

                              Do not mistake this to mean I am supportive of violence in any way...

                              But if you were able to step back and look at the big picture, you would see that a single punch (for example) is not really that big of a deal. I mean of course it's a big deal - but not to the extent that you seem to think it is.

                              I know it sounds like I'm baiting you, but I'm not.

                              It's just the way it is.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                I'm very sorry to hear about all your negative experiences. I can just imagine all the intense emotions that must be coming up.

                                It sounds to me like you're getting *too much* input from all sides - people are telling you do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that, you're entitled to this, you're not entitled to that, you should feel this way, you shouldn't feel that way. (I include this forum in the chorus of voices, and of course I have to include myself now!). Perhaps with a therapist you could focus on disconnecting yourself from external input, temporarily, to allow the intensity level to calm down a bit so you can think more clearly. Having too much advice can be as confusing as having too little. I'm wondering if some form of mindfulness practice might be helpful for managing the information overload (and I realize I've just contributed to the problem, if there is a problem, by offering my own advice!).



                                Originally posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
                                Mess, I am not looking for my ex to be punished through the family law side. Please explain what you mean by that statement. I am hoping the criminal side will take care of it (although not counting on it) and when it comes to the family side I'm hoping for a restraining order against him since I don't feel safe. But I in no way am looking to punish him on the family law side aside from compensation on the damages. If you view looking out for the safety of my daughter as punishment then that's your perception but I know in my own heart that's not what I'm doing.

                                It's funny because everyone seems to play each side against each other. VCU starts off by telling you he's a monster and to get away from him and if i don't it will happen again. That it's a pattern that's tough to break. The criminal side says to get protection from the family side since he likely will get another slap on the hand because that's just the way the system is. Then the family law side says if he doesn't get a restraining order from the criminal side then why should they give one. All this despite proof and a charge, a history and a guilty plea. Sorry, I still don't get it.

                                I would like compensation from the damages and from what I understand would likely have received them if I had a receipt on the family law side. My frustration is that in the mindset I was in I can't say I was thinking that obtaining the receipt was the most important thing at the time. My bad. But why shouldn't I request to be compensated? I didn't crack the windshield. Of course, I should be reimbursed for the windshield because he's a violent jackass, that's the point. Why should he not have to pay it? I'm not following you.

                                Yes, why not let him NOT pay for the damages and it's yet again another thing he's not responsible for so he can continue to glide through and keep getting rewarded for his violent behaviour. Believe me, I'm trying to keep as clear a head as i can through all this but it becomes increasingly more difficult as people (or the system) continue to make excuses for him and his behavior.

                                Comment

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