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  • When can I leave?

    My wife asked for a separation about a month ago and is now asking me to leave the matrimonial home. We have a child together and have been married for 4 years. If I leave temporarily until the separation is legal, will it affect my division of assets in the house.


    Will it affect me financially if I do what she is asking?

  • #2
    It will affect a lot of things including custody. If you are sure this will mean divorce, tell her you will stay until everything is finalized. If this is simply a separation to see if there is something there to salvage, tell her to go.

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    • #3
      So, this is the start of the separation. Nothing has been legally drawn up, no separation agreement yet. Yes it will be a divorce, unfortunately we have to wait a year at the time of the separation being legal.


      She will not leave the house, but she wants me to leave. So if I did, your saying it would affect my custody of my child. That's not cool if true. How about splitting of the house.

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      • #4
        Someone else on here may have better advice in light of the fact you have left. Everything I have read says to stay and just split the areas of the house.

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        • #5
          I haven't left the house yet. Just trying to get the advice to see if it will affect me. It's not as though I am moving my stuff out, just not staying there because she wants me out. The moving of the furniture or what have you can come after the agreement is in place.


          Thanks though for your discussion.

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          • #6
            Moving out will not impact your entitlement to any assets. However, if you own the house and it needs to be sold as part of the division of assets, it could create problems if the other party drags there feet.


            Where moving out does create an impact is custody. If you move out you have essentially told the world that your ex is the primary caregiver to the child and that you are happy being a part time parent. Any argument you had for shared parenting is mitigated by the fact you moved out, and the odds of becoming an every-other-weekend-parent increases.


            I would simply tell your soon-to-be-ex that you are fine with moving out, but only after you have an agreement on custody regarding the child. That you want shared parenting time (2-2-5-5 or week on/week off, depending on what works best for you, your ex and child), and joint custody.


            Know that custody means decision making. Joint custody means that both parents are supposed to work together on major decisions about the child, like religion, education, major health matters etc. Day to day decisions may be made by the parent who turn it is to care for the child. Sole custody means the parent who has sole custody may make the decisions relating to health, religion, education on their own. There is also parallel parenting where each parent has an area (ie. one parent makes decisions on health, the other on education/religion etc.).


            The assets are just numbers on paper now, and those should be fairly easy to determine. Moving does mean you don't have much control over those assets though. But moving may be best if that is just where things are going. But I highly recommend not moving out until you have a custody agreement in place regarding the child. Otherwise you will be putting yourself at the mercy of your ex as to when you get to see your kid.


            Also, if you don't move out right now and push for a custody agreement to be in place, be sure to protect yourself. Carry a digital voice recorder on you at all times in the house. Save it to a secure computer each day, like at work. The recorder isn't to gather evidence against the ex, it is simply to protect yourself from a false DV allegation. While living at the house, I would move my stuff to spare room and put a lock on that door. Give yourself a place you can go to so you can be alone, especially if the ex gets argumentative.


            Never engage the ex should they become argumentative or hostile, simply walk away saying you are willing to discuss when they are calmer.

            Comment


            • #7
              Like HammerDad said, moving out will affect the child's ACCESS schedule. You could also propose that on your week with the child she leaves the house and lives with a friend or her parents and on your week you do the same.

              Remember, the fight begins now to keep 50/50 ACCESS. From the day of separation you have 50/50 ACCESS right but your EX will fight for you to have less and expect you to give it up. Don't give up!

              If she takes the child from the matrimonial home you need to hire a lawyer immediately and file an emergency motion to have the child returned to the matrimonial home within 2 weeks of her removing the child.

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              • #8
                Thanks for all you info, I really appreciate it.


                Here's another question that I have because I recently was just asked.(Today)


                I was asked if we want to go to Mediation, asked by her, this week. Well I haven't seen my lawyer as of yet. I will be on Friday, so I said that I will after I talk with my lawyer. Now when it comes to a mediator, how does that work. She is finding an appointment for one next week. Is it unbiased or should I look for my own. I'm not exactly sure how it works. Is there a concern that she is setting it up, or like I said is it unbiased.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Mediation can be a great thing for reasonable people. Do you think your ex can be reasonable on custody and splitting of assets? If yes then mediation may work and avoid a great deal of extra legal costs.

                  Your lawyer will say mediation is a good thing but remember that they want to make money off you. They may want to attend mediation or do a great deal of correspondence to increase your bill.

                  Best advice is for you to look at what you are both entitled to, what you want custody wise and what you can expect down the road. A mediator will meet with you both to help you reach an agreement together. Your ex may have her own ideas about what she thinks she is entitled to which may complicate things.

                  Go through the search function on this site to understand spousal support, child support, splitting of assets and future costs/decisions for kids. You could very well avoid very costly litigation by working through the mediator to reach an agreement.

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                  • #10
                    It all depends what terms (good?) and negotiable you and the Ex are. You could simply say nicely to her "hey, I don't think we need medication, we are reasonable people and when divorcing we simply just split everything 50/50 including time we spend with our child and raise the child together but from separate homes going forward."

                    People who go to court is often because they are unreasonable and want something for their own personal benefit.

                    If you agree to mediation the best thing is to first meet with the mediator individually and you both write down what you want individually (keep the house, where to live, what school, access schedule, holidays, CS, SS, etc).

                    Then meet together and talk about the items you are not in agreement with support from the mediator.

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                    • #11
                      Do not leave the house at all, I was instructed that by 2 lawyers.


                      I lived in the basement for 1 year before we got things settled

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                      • #12
                        While I will say that I left my residence - should you decide to stay I would most certainly agree with purchasing and always keeping on you an electronic voice recorder.
                        As for mediation - not sure where you live - but I did mediation/arbitration here. I was told/suggested by lawyer that it would be less expensive than court. The comment made that mediation only works if BOTH are reasonable is PARAMOUNT. Only you know the answer to that.
                        IMHO - attempt it - but if after a couple of sessions there is no headway and either of you becomes entrenched in your position on something, I would end it.
                        Mediation is about compromise on both parties...not concessions on just one.
                        Give a little...take a little...compromise.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Here meaning my being in the Ottawa area - I do have opinions on a couple of different mediators...

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