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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 06-14-2021, 05:44 PM
ottguy70 ottguy70 is offline
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Default Privacy Question

I'm hoping some of you may have dealt with or are dealing with an ex that has access to his children's online accounts (e.g. Apple ID). While the children and I have nothing to hide, I'm just wondering about what can be legally done to restrict his access.

My ex requested the children's passwords for their Apple ID and within hours started to browse their notes, iMessages, log of Facetime calls, photos, GPS location, email and contacts.

While I understand that both parents need to monitor their children's online presence and such, don't the children deserve a bit of privacy? The children are below the age of 15.

My ex showed little to no interest in the children's schooling, medical history, etc... but all of a sudden he is questioning the kids on these topics as a direct result of snooping through their accounts and files. This is the same person who never asked them about such topics when he speaks to them.

With regards to location-based services, is my ex legally allowed to trace the children's every move? For example, he noticed that the children and I spent time at a friends home; does he need to know this? Does he need to know what our every move will be when going on a trip? He's the type of controlling individual that would ask the kids if they enjoyed the CN Tower and the Greek restaurant we ate at, but only because he kept a log of where we went while visiting Toronto.

This to me is a clear invasion of my children's privacy as well as other family members who might be with the children.

Btw, we do not have a custody agreement and are in the midst of bringing in a motion for access and custody. However, I have them 100% of the time.

Any advice or comments are welcomed.
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  #2  
Old 06-14-2021, 06:40 PM
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You are unlikely to maintain 100% of the parenting time in a disputed custody situation. Parents can make parenting decisions during their parenting time, which would include whether it is appropriate to snoop.

As a possible technical solution, change the password when they are at your house, and then change it back when they go to the ex for parenting time.

Most kids do not like to have their parent invade their privacy. I imagine this will be a very short-lived problem that will resolve itself as the kids get older.
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Old 06-14-2021, 07:11 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You could also have the kids tell him stuff when they talk to him. Like a regular conversation where they talk about their day and what they did etc.

More than likely he is snooping because he has no other information on his kids and wants to know what is going on in their life. Im sure your response will be that hes a shitty parent and has no interest in them but clearly he does. So provide him lots of information and he wont need to go searching. Have the kids call him nightly and give him a recap of their day. Or text him photos etc.
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Old 06-15-2021, 08:42 PM
alongjourney alongjourney is offline
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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Have the kids call him nightly and give him a recap of their day. Or text him photos etc.
I respectfully disagree. My kids are in a similar boat with their mom and there's no way in hell I'd force them to talk to her daily. I try to have them maintain a relationship but there's only so much I'll do. We don't know what happened to ottguy70's kid and how bad things went. What if there's an attachment disorder do to a parent with a personality disorder? For all we know, the ex might have dug his own grave.
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Old 06-15-2021, 09:26 PM
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I respectfully disagree. My kids are in a similar boat with their mom and there's no way in hell I'd force them to talk to her daily. I try to have them maintain a relationship but there's only so much I'll do. We don't know what happened to ottguy70's kid and how bad things went. What if there's an attachment disorder do to a parent with a personality disorder? For all we know, the ex might have dug his own grave.

Your case is unique in that it involves someone who has a diagnosed psychological disorder and no contact. Cases like yours are not common and in many cases it is simply the parents animosity towards each other that creates a problem like this where one parent goes looking for trouble.
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Old 06-15-2021, 10:33 PM
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Your case is unique in that it involves someone who has a diagnosed psychological disorder and no contact. Cases like yours are not common and in many cases it is simply the parents animosity towards each other that creates a problem like this where one parent goes looking for trouble.
I sure hope they aren't common because it's a bit like hell to say the least. I really won the lottery

But sadly they are out there, so I'm weary of saying "50-50 is best!" because I used to think like that, thinking that the kids had a great mom and whatnot. It took me months to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), as is the case in these "messed up" relationships. Eventually that fog dissipated. Same thing happened to the kids. It took 2 years before I finally found a clinician who was able to put the finger on my son's behavior and mention "yup, attachment disorder. it's due to <this> and <that>, ..". Having a 11yo mention that he wants to kill himself isn't fun, and all that was rooted to his BPD mom and the fact that I did not act earlier.

So I'm really careful of assuming that "50-50 is best" for the kids because had many people told me that back in the days maybe I would have caved and my kids would end up being messed up and repeating a pattern. Ottguy70's ex left the house with the kids for "safety reason", and I know damn well the smear campaign and false accusations that can happen. I'm not saying it's not due to pure animosity, but I won't rule out a crazy ex either. I've been through the phases where no one really believes you because "no one behaves like that!".

I guess I'm saying I need more evidence before I can provide a detailed opinion
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Old 06-16-2021, 08:45 AM
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I was raised by a parent with BPD so there is hope. As long as they are in therapy, they will learn how to manage. Thats a key tool for kids of divorcemanaging difficult parents and their relationship dynamic.
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Old 06-16-2021, 01:39 PM
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I was raised by a parent with BPD so there is hope. As long as they are in therapy, they will learn how to manage. That�s a key tool for kids of divorce�managing difficult parents and their relationship dynamic.
I am sure I have recommended this book to you before:

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding.../dp/0765703319
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Old 06-16-2021, 01:53 PM
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I am sure I have recommended this book to you before:

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding.../dp/0765703319

You might have. I read two other books in my 20s when she was diagnosed. Plus the therapy helped unpack a lot of stuff.
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Old 06-19-2021, 09:45 AM
velas velas is offline
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I would have the kids change their password. Unless he has 50% of the parenting time and some legitimate reason to check their activity, he doesn't need that much access. if you as the 100% parent feel that they are misusing their devices or their accounts then you can check on them. That's how we deal with our little guy. We have his information and he knows that he has privacy until he proves he can't handle it. But to simply hand over their passwords to someone who has no parenting time doesn't seem necessary.
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