Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need advice on how to respond to Ex's email

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need advice on how to respond to Ex's email

    Good morning everyone,

    I received this email from the ex and wonder how best to respond. Sometimes its better to get advice before responding. Here is a little back ground.

    I have the kids every Wednesday 5pm-8pm and every other weekend. We live about 40-45 kilometres apart and in the last 4 years she has not driven once. She couldn't even tell you where I live.

    She is effectively trying to take away my Wednesdays with one child, and have me driving all over Gods creation on my weekends.

    Here is the email


    "I will be registering Son11 in the army cadets commencing sometime Septembre 2013. I think it will help N with his self esteem and help with structure. He will not only be going to camps but making new friends and learning so many interesting things. All in all it will benefit N in so many posittive ways!

    The programe is on Wednesdays from 6:30-9:00pm here in Orleans. I would hope that you are willing to bring him there and back home. After speaking with an army sargeant he strongly recommends all participants to participate in most activities that will be held not only on Wednesdays but on weekends as well. There will be camps and other activities like fund raisings etc...I ask for your help on sharing the task to ensure N participates at most activities if not all of the activities that are being offered.

    I truly believe N will benefit from this amazing opportunity and really hope that you will cooperate and equally help with his activities. I understand that it will be a "pain in the ass" not only for you but me aswell but I really think this is something N will truly benefit from."

    Well from what I can tell it seems to be me that will be doing most of the sacrificing.

  • #2
    What kind of custody arrangement do you have now? I assume your days are outlined, in an order, or schedule then now? On paper?

    The "mature" way for her to bring this up to you, would be "I was thinking of registering Son11...here is the info...what do you think - does this work for you?"

    Of course, she didn't do that. She's already dictated that it will be happening, and if you disagree, clearly you aren't looking out for son11's interests, because what kind of parent wouldn't want to help build son11's self-esteem? lol.

    I hate getting these kind of emails.

    I mean, it's really up to you. If you only have Wednesdays and weekends, for your time with son11, then you are within your right to say no, as the other parent is not supposed to schedule things over your time. If you're okay with it, then you can let her, but it seems like you're inviting her to do this all the time, if you do.

    Surely, there are any other numerous activities to schedule son11 for, that don't solely interfere with your parenting time, and can still build his self esteem.

    If this were me, I would likely respond, saying, that you feel you guys should come up with an alternative activity, that has a different schedule, because, given the distance you guys are apart, and the current activity schedule, it would be too difficult to accomodate the activity, and still have your parenting time with son11.

    Or you could suggest, moving your scheduled time, to other days, that don't get wiped out by the "activity". ex. Move your Wednesday, to a Thursday, or Tuesday. She likely won't go for it, given the email she wrote you, but you can always suggest it.

    Comment


    • #3
      You could also look into "cadets" in your area, and see what schedule they have. And suggest that instead, if the schedule is more accomodating for both of you.

      Doing all this, shows that you are flexible, and working with the other parent. If she doesn't offer any compromise or flexibility, then you can say, well, "I tried".

      Comment


      • #4
        /agree with looking into whether YOU have a local branch of sea/air/whatever cadets in YOUR area.

        What does your current every other weekend encompass? Friday-Sun? Friday- Monday morning?

        Also, the Orleans Army Cadets have a website, they clearly list the schedule at LEAST 6 months in advance. Current you can see the existing one from Jan to June of 2013. It appears they run EVERY Wednesday and nearly EVERY Weekend in some form or another as well.

        Orleans Army Cadet Site

        Calendar + contact info for the commanding officer/etc.

        They do all kinds of stuff. You may not like the driving, BUT it does appear that they are in regular need of parent volunteers and it appears to be a good way to show your involvement with your son.

        I would suggest something along these lines:

        Dear Ex:

        I very much agree that things that would be of positive benefit to S9 would be in his best interests, however I also believe that it is in his best interests to spend the maximum amount of time with both parents.

        I would suggest the following:

        1. In order to facilitate him getting to/from the Wednesday meetings, we should switch the existing schedule and exchange my current Wednesday for (Insert appropriate day here, likely Tues/Thurs). That way he and I do not miss out of time together, AND he still gets to participate in the many positive experiences that this has to offer. This would lessen the "running around" and conflicts on the Wednesday that the current schedule runs into with your proposed activity.

        2. I will commit to getting to him to as many of the weekend activities as I am able to, if I cannot get him there for some reason, I will let you know and give you the option of transporting him there and returning him, IF you will also commit to the same on your weekends.

        Let me know if you are in agreement with this.

        Best,

        $uperDad

        Comment


        • #5
          This could be an opportunity to increase your overnight access or the Wednesday access.

          If the Wednesday interferes with your parenting time. Why don't you suggest changing from Wednesday to another day. Alternately maybe change it towards the weekend with another overnight?

          It would be a valid and reasonable counter to what your Ex is proposing, especially on those Weekend events

          Comment


          • #6
            Here's the reasoning behind my suggestion:

            1. By offering a straight switch of days you push ALL the driving on Wednesdays onto her, BUT it's phrased in such a way that you aren't running all over hell's creation that day. It makes it easier on the kid AND on you.

            2. By committing to weekend activities AND offering to let HER do the transporting IF you can't for some reason, you are showing you are reasonable. The main point of this is to set it up for the second part, making HER commit to the same.

            The reasoning is very simple. You volunteer for ALL THE THINGS, whether it is YOUR WEEKEND or not. You get to spend more time with your kidlet, AND you have multiple witnesses that can then attest to that. If she decides to not send him on those weekends once she realizes what you are doing, you have commitment from her that you are allowed to do the transporting to ensure that he gets there.

            The kidlet benefits (let's face it,cadets does all kinds of fun stuff), YOU benefit (because you get to spend MORE time with the kidlet), and the EX can't do/say a damn thing about it because it was HER idea.

            Comment


            • #7
              I agree with NB.

              Agree to cadets on the condition that your parenting time be switched to another day and that she understands that activities on your weekends are conditional to your schedule, and as such, may or may not be attended (although, you will make all reasonable efforts for the child to attend).

              I also agree with volunteering as much as possible. I doubt the ex is likely to volunteer much, and it gives you some extra time with the kidlet.

              It is kinda win/win.

              But if she comes back and says no to switching your wednesday parenting time, then you are going to have to disagree as you aren't willing to reduce your already limited parenting time. And as such, she will have to find an alternative day.

              Comment


              • #8
                whatabout the other kids... If he's committing and volunteering his weekends and wednesdays for one child, when do the other kids get fun bonding time

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by HappyDays View Post
                  whatabout the other kids... If he's committing and volunteering his weekends and wednesdays for one child, when do the other kids get fun bonding time
                  If there are other kids involved, than he will just have to find a balance. The others will likely be in some sort of activity as well, and thus he could rotate around volunteering where possible.

                  Also, he can also say "no" for to the child participating in the activity where he sees fit. So it isn't like he is going to end up playing favourites. It is just a matter of doing a balancing act of attending, not attending and saying no where needed.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Guys and Girls, a big thank you for all your suggestions. I do also have a younger daughter and yes, I will most deinfetly play a balancing game here.

                    I guess I will offer to switch my Wednesdays for Thursdays so that I can keep my 1 night a week with them. As for the weekends, I will committ to bringing him on the weekends which I dont have any plans.

                    I will keep y'all posted on the outcome.

                    Wish me luck lol

                    P.S. I have them from 5pm on Friday to 8:00pm on Sunday.

                    Comment

                    Our Divorce Forums
                    Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                    Working...
                    X