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  • #16
    Originally posted by Maggie82 View Post
    Standing, the child's current doctor is also the mother's physician... the one she's had since she was a child herself (and the one that treats her entire family). So the doctor's loyalty lies with the mother. (Especially since the doctor knows "the history" - the mother and father of the child never being in a relationship and barely knowing one another when the child was born.) Be it right or not, the doctor has some ill-feelings toward the father. The father has tried attending appointments but it was very clear to him that neither the doctor nor the mother were interested in his concerns. The mother thinks she knows best and her doctor backs her up. The mother also schedules the appointments at times when she knows the father will not be able to attend without taking a day off work. It is a 2.5-hour drive from the father's work to the doctor's office... one way.

    The father's concerns are valid. His son has shown some sudden weight gain and shortness of breath. Upon the father's insistence, the mother had the child's blood work done (first time ever and the child is 12 years old) and it turns out that the child has an overactive thyroid. Despite the father's insistence that further tests be done, the mother and the doctor claim that it's not a big enough concern to subject the child to further blood work or scans. Meanwhile, the father is seeing his son become increasingly overweight and having more and more difficulty keeping up with his peers. So what's a father to do? Leave it all in the mother's hands? Or try to take the child to another doctor to get a second opinion?
    hmm I thought an overactive thyroid caused weight loss, not weight gain.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
      hmm I thought an overactive thyroid caused weight loss, not weight gain.
      Hence the father's attempt to get a second opinion from his doctor.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Maggie82 View Post
        Hence the father's attempt to get a second opinion from his doctor.
        with further reading it seems that 10% experience weight gain.

        The father can get the second opinion but what happens after that? The mother has her doctor saying that nothing needs to be done so she will follow him. If the fathers doctor wants to do more tests etc the mother will probably say no. If the two doctors disagree then what???

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        • #19
          I would think that basic standard of care should be followed by the doctors and one writes the other a letter outlining concerns. (In Alberta the laboratory testing is accessible online by both doctors so if testing is inconclusive it becomes a no-brainer to get further tests done).

          The two doctors (both presumably part of the health management team) should work collaboratively to ensure proper diagnosis and treatment.

          When you get into thyroid testing it is common for patient to be referred to specialist.

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          • #20
            Standing, I really don't know what would happen then. One baby step at a time. The father isn't sure if he will even make an appointment for a second opinion. It's so problematic and emotionally exhausting with the mother claiming he can't without her consent and presence and saying that she is the only one in charge of the child's medical well-being. Just wanted to know first whether such a claim could even be considered true without there being anything about it in the court order and with the parents having joint custody. At this point, I'm of the belief that the father feels pretty defeated. Damned if he does, damn if he doesn't. And in the end, it's the child that suffers. And that's unfortunate.

            Arabian, you are correct. The father has even communicated to the mother that he will ensure his doctor will send all notes/results to the child's primary physician and provide a full update of the visit (just as he has done when he has taken the child to a walk-in clinic in the past). But for whatever reason, unless he allows for the mother to be at the appointment, she has told him he cannot take the child to see his doctor. And he knows that if the mother is present at the appointment, his concerns will go unheard or diminished because she will make it "her" appointment, as has happened every time in the past they attended the child's appointments together.

            If the father decides to take the child to his doctor without notifying the mother, but providing her with an update afterwards, are there any legal repercussions?

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            • #21
              I think the father should explain his concerns directly to his doctor who will likely encourage the mother to attend with the father and would ensure everyone's questions are addressed, particularly if doctor knows ahead of time that this is a dysfunctional family. I work for a specialist and in these instances it is extremely important that everyone is "on the same page" and getting the same information. A good doctor will focus the discussion on the child's health issues. Most problems arise when lines of communication are not working between the parents, as it seems to be in this instance.

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              • #22
                if she acts that way with her doctor because of the family history I am thinking that the fathers doctor wouldn't allow her to act like that. I would let her come but warn the doctor before hand that she may be difficult.

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                • #23
                  Poor kid. Who are the adults here? Surely if one parent has the concern the other parent also being an adult should work to see if the concern is valid. Omg. They both need to grow up. Get every test they can and help the poor child. Really, someone needs to think about the,child, not,their rights.

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                  • #24
                    Perhaps another way to approach this would be for the father to speak to his doctor about this and request the laboratory results for the child (I don't know what province you are in or if the lab results are readily available to the father's doctor but it wouldn't hurt to inquire).

                    Sometimes when people pass information on, particularly medical information, the message gets skewed during transportation. The mother could have simply misunderstood her doctor's interpretation of the laboratory results. There is a difference, for example, between hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism. Just sayin....

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                    • #25
                      That's not a bad idea. I will suggest they the father make an appointment beforehand and explain the situation and voice his concerns prior to the child's appointment. Thanks. :-)

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                      • #26
                        Good suggestions from folks here on how to manage the overall issue. I think that in general, though, the father needs to stop feeling like he is some kind of second-class parent. The mother can live in the 1980s if she wants to, and pretend that possessing a vagina gives her more rights and authority, but he doesn't have to believe any of that crap.

                        If he is truly concerned about his son, no one should judge him for taking reasonable steps to figure out what the problem is. Let the mother take him to court over it, I'm sure the judge will laugh her out of the courtroom when she tries to explain, to the judge, what her version of 'joint custody' means.

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                        • #27
                          Parents have to agree on one Dr.
                          Father should not unilaterally take kid to a different dr.
                          Father should talk to kid's Dr to ask his questions. No need to take the kid again. Dr may likely refuse to take double appointments unless for an exceptional medical reason.

                          That's my take on it.

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                          • #28
                            Dinkyface, I agree, parents should agree on one doctor, but that is assuming that both parents are reasonable people and accept each other as equal decision makers.

                            The mother in this situation is the one that has been making all of the unilateral calls, and has intimated to the father that his attendance at the appointments is a mere formality, and that his opinion doesn't matter.

                            The history of this situation, as I read it, is that the mother and father were never together, and the mother has consistently tried to call all of the shots from the beginning. I'm struggling to see how the father's opposition to that makes him the one being unilateral.

                            He's not trying to make some kind of power play, or engage in silly games, he's trying to look out for his kid's health. We can suggest that the father "work with the mother" until we're blue in the face, but the mother clearly doesn't value the father's opinion, value his existence as a parent from the way she is acting, and the doctor happens to be 'her' doctor, and we all know just how much doctors love to admit when they might be wrong, so what is his atual recourse?

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                            • #29
                              Of course he is making a "power play" as you say. The child has his own physician, and has had for 12 years. You deal with that physician. He doesn't need to "work with the mother".

                              Dinkyface is quite correct.

                              And frankly, the kid is 12. Where has this dad been and why has he not attended or voiced his concerns previously to the physician. Does dad engage in 50/50 access? The physician is a professional, and is not taking sides.

                              If dad's only concern is a wellness check and losing weight, reevaluate the activities engaged in on his time and diet choices -consider losing the video games and engage the child in physical activities when they are together. Speak to the child's physician.

                              Very soon, this 12 yr old is going to choose which parent he wishes to spend his time with in his teen years. Dad dragging him to another doctor is not going to play well, with the child, or with a court. Perfect moment for the mother to record, and evidence to a judge their inability to co-parent.

                              eta: and Straight, I think we understand each other. We just don't agree.
                              Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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                              • #30
                                Mcdreamy, please go back and read posts. you will understand why concerns now and that itis not simple weight loss issue. And why are you asking where the father was for 12 years?!!!!

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