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  • #16
    For Penelope, it is key to differentiate between HER thoughts that he ex has all sorts of mental health issues versus an ACTUAL diagnosis by a doctor in the field of mental health. Anyone can do internet research and pinpoint attributes to their ex. Judges don't want to hear what you "think" of your ex. Is he a good parent? Does he explode on the kids? Is he irresponsible with the kids? Do you have verifiable proof of any of this or is it just your words or thoughts? You will need proper evidence rather than your opinions.

    Again, you can spend THOUSANDS of dollars in legal fees against your ex, but likely is that they will get ample time with the kids. Reality check is that even if the judge finds some things concerning, the judge may order that your ex complete counseling or a course in anger management. So its up to you if you want to go down a path of spending $100,000 in legal fees. Its best to get informed of what LIKELY will play out in the court forum.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Tayken View Post
      You are in the 3% pool. BPD is an even more rare diagnosis in Canada. Not saying you are lying its just the odds of this are diagnosis is in winning the lottery level of statistics.

      The other parent will self destruct in the courtroom if this is the case. You don't actually have to do much work. BPD person will do it all for you. Court room is the best place to bring them as they will not behave to the rules of the court room.
      I sure "won the lottery". It's been diagnosed and is even mentioned in her court paperwork. She's even tried in mental health court for her criminal charges from what I was told (gotta confirm this). Let's just say that it makes for an interesting divorce.. and I'd rather not be in the 3% pool.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by gettingexpensive View Post
        I sure "won the lottery". It's been diagnosed and is even mentioned in her court paperwork. She's even tried in mental health court for her criminal charges from what I was told (gotta confirm this). Let's just say that it makes for an interesting divorce.. and I'd rather not be in the 3% pool.
        Trust me, you did not win the lottery. If anything, the opposite. Having NPD means that you will likely have a long, drawn out affair resulting in trial. Any settlement negotiations will be argumentative, illogical, fruitless and irrelevant to the points or issues, racking up legal bills. Your ex will fight tooth and nail for every single principle regardless of how ridiculous or unreasonable their arguments are. The reality is, is that even having NPD doesn't mean much with respect to access. Having NPD means that you and your ex likely bicker like oil and water. Your ex can be a perfectly fine parent without you in the picture, regardless of the condition, and as I mentioned, judges are highly unlikely to create situation where children don't have relationships with the other parent. Your ex will agree to counseling and courses, and likely have generous access.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
          Trust me, you did not win the lottery. If anything, the opposite. Having NPD means that you will likely have a long, drawn out affair resulting in trial. ....
          Oh I know. That's why I put the "won the lottery" in quotes. It's already a waste of money and a nightmare. The only thing keeping my sanity is the release conditions which came with a no-contact order. The fact that the kids are old enough may also help a bit (11 and 15) so hopefully, OCL will allow them to have their voice heard. The paperwork from CAS may also help.

          But yes, it's pointless arguments and principles. I never thought that would be possible, you have to live it to believe it.

          And through all of this, my goal is not to prevent access, I just want it to be "safe". Sadly, the ex doesn't realize that this is something that takes many months to come back once eroded. In the meantime, I'm the one dealing with a 11 yo son who has frequent suicidal thoughts. If only she realized the damage that she did.

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          • #20
            OK, glad to hear you are fully on top of what to expect. Having negotiations with someone who is impossible to deal with will drive up your costs. I have lived it. At times, you think that they are purposefully trying to run you out of money, which is a possibility too. I am sorry to hear that you are going through. Stay strong and spend wisely. It adds up fast.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
              OK, glad to hear you are fully on top of what to expect.
              Baptism by fire... but I now understand the game, and the illness a lot more. I have a good lawyer that is on top of things, although far from cheap.

              I realized that I was in for the long run when I received a letter from her lawyer with a paragraph about how she wanted to return a pizza peel and a cooking book. The list of households assets for the division included 500 items (including a mini spatula and the kids bicycle gloves) for which she wanted me to put a $ value next to each item and then, I'd have to give her money for whatever crap she doesn't want.


              But the kids now sleep well. They have less stress (in general) and do good in school. And that's the key.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by gettingexpensive View Post
                Baptism by fire... but I now understand the game, and the illness a lot more. I have a good lawyer that is on top of things, although far from cheap.

                I realized that I was in for the long run when I received a letter from her lawyer with a paragraph about how she wanted to return a pizza peel and a cooking book. The list of households assets for the division included 500 items (including a mini spatula and the kids bicycle gloves) for which she wanted me to put a $ value next to each item and then, I'd have to give her money for whatever crap she doesn't want.


                But the kids now sleep well. They have less stress (in general) and do good in school. And that's the key.
                And I thought our case was bad, although "I'll give you a bag of potatoes I took and you give me a lamp" or something like this also happened.

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                • #23
                  I got some really crazy demands as well. For two years ex wouldn't agree to sell the matrimonial home. He demanded and ranted that I "give him the divorce first and then we sell the home". He was stuck on this and by then he had fired his 4th lawyer and had no lawyer. It was a crazy train I could not get off. Buckle up, it's going to be a long drawn out ride. 7 years and I'm still on the train trying to negotiate with a terrorist.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by gettingexpensive View Post
                    I realized that I was in for the long run when I received a letter from her lawyer with a paragraph about how she wanted to return a pizza peel and a cooking book. The list of households assets for the division included 500 items (including a mini spatula and the kids bicycle gloves) .
                    I got a 65 page excel spreadsheet from mine, with values already assigned to each item. I have to give her some credit, it was kinda awesome. Some of the items had assigned values under a dollar. Most were at the original purchase price.

                    I told her she could have the items and I would take half of the assigned value. She never brought it up again.

                    I did take about half of the stuff when I moved out, and she never did anything about it. To be fair I wasn't a total jerk about it and left some of the stuff I knew she wanted.

                    for which she wanted me to put a $ value next to each item and then, I'd have to give her money for whatever crap she doesn't want
                    "Unless I hear otherwise, I will assume that every item I keep has a value of 10 cents, and I agree to pay you appropriately."

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                    • #25
                      Mine moved out of the house taking all the furniture and belongings while I was away for a week, knowing very well that it would cost me more in legal fees to negotiate getting my fair share of belongings back.

                      Family Law is a joke. By the time it gets to trial, the judge would suggest everything gets a "kijiji" price value, which is hardly fair. They don't take into account that it was WRONG to take everything at their whim, rather than sitting down like adults and fairly dividing things. They don't take into account that it is a pain to shop for new furniture, get it home, and then assembled. Or perhaps the furniture you had (and want) is no longer available for sale in stores. Moreover, they don't take into account that you may not be in a position to replace that $4,000 living room set (which your ex took) as your financial resources are now strapped to paying supports and a lawyer.

                      I've been told that judges don't want to deal with petty furniture dividing either when things such as custody and access are at stake. My lawyer advised me to "let it go" and rather focus on winning on the children-related stuff. Make it as simple as possible in court.

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                      • #26
                        Coming back home after work to an empty house was a feeling I will never forget. Oh it wasn't completely empty. A couch, a couple of glasses in the kitchen, a spoon, a couple of plates, a fork, a knife, a bed in a guest room. And they left for vacation with the new beau. They still have the stuff they took, not the beau though. The beau is history now. There is another one, can't remember the number of the new one, none less than 6 or 7.

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