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Dealing with insanity!!!

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  • #16
    Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
    but I just wanted to point out something I noticed in your responses...it seems like you REALLY want your daughters to wise up to their moms antics...and by some of the stuff you've said- it seems like you've asked them to do this. Like "they just don't want to listen/ see who their mom really is..." and that seems like the wrong tactic. Of course they don't want to believe their mom is wrong. Asking them to see that is putting them in the conflict. I could be wrong- but that's the vibe I'm picking up from your posts.
    From a different point of view: I discovered how CAS was useless in my case. Everyone I spoke to (VCU, VWAP, child doctor, psychologists, police, ..) said that they couldn't help and told me to go to court ASAP to get custody / limit visitation. Well this takes time... and in the meantime my kids were vulnerable. So I worked with the psychologist to make sure that the kids:
    - go visit for themselves, and not to please mom
    - tell mom when there is something they don't like or don't want to talk about something
    - stand up for themselves and not be bullied around.

    This has helped them tremendously. But they find it difficult. However they'll have to deal with their mom for the rest of their life so they might as well get used to it.

    It helped, but the kids are still walking on eggshells with their mom. And they are afraid of her but they forget fast... a few days of "hey mom seems to be doing great" and it's mostly forgotten... but the fear remains and it comes back fast. My youngest one was sick and I had to pick him up at school. He told me "I was afraid they would call mom!" when I picked him up.

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    • #17
      I was an alienated kid. I can tell you exactly how it feels. I remember what it did to me emotionally and physically. I have spent years in therapy as a result of the depression and anxiety.

      You cannot tell a child to stop believing what someone says. Nothing you say or do will work. You have to wait until they are old enough and away from the situation for them to even start the process.

      I strongly encourage you to read the book “A Family’s Heartbreak” by Mike Jeffries. It is from a dads point of view with a psychologist. He has reconnected with his son after many years of alienation (I think kid was 11 when it started) and his book helped me understand where it came from, and my husband to understand why it happened.

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      • #18
        Thank you again for your feedback. To clarify, I've done my best to keep their mother out of our conversations. I've even tried to promote their mother to them.. it respectful ways. I've just tried to point out the facts, truth and my position. Every time I try to finalize something with their mother, there's almost immediate retaliation from my daughters... not my ex. It's all been through emails or texts (which is extremely hard for me to gaze upon). I'm not kicking their mother to the curb, just trying to move on with my life. I've spent the last 2.5 years, paying off the family debt, child support (not a complaint, just a fact), legal fees and pay my own way. I don't make a ton of money and have shown this to my ex (who refuses to see the facts of life). I can't form a life of my own when I'm sitting on a ton of debt. As soon as the house is sold I can clear up the debt and start looking for a home for myself (and hopefully my children at some point...even if it's just to visit). My relationship with my children may have to be put on hold until we clear up this last portion (as this will flare the temper of my ex and they, unfortunately, reap the results of that).

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        • #19
          Dont even bother saying anything to them anymore. You dont need to defend yourself. Speak to a therapist. It was the best thing my husband did to help him manage his conversations and his feelings. His one daughter would call him up to scream at him every time his ex was mad. As soon as he set boundaries those calls stopped.

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