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  • Calling at work

    My husband and his ex only communicate by email because of past verbal abuse on her part over the phone.

    My husband recently moved positions at work, to a job where he has his own desk and phone line. He hasn't advertised his number to anyone except me, his wife.

    This morning, D14 had left a voicemail on his cell phone letting him know that her school bus hadn't showed up to pick her up. Before he even had a chance to call her back, the ex-wife was calling his office phone. He answered because he didn't know who was calling - the military doesn't have caller id LOL.

    He said he didn't know how she even got his number, and figured that she must have called the base operator.

    If you were my husband, would you say anything to her about the fact that he doesn't want her calling him at work? I know he has to be reached in an emergency, but D14 already left him a message, so was this an emergency?

    Maybe this is one of those pick your battle things, and if it is, fair enough. It's easier for other people to see it LOL!

  • #2
    Hmmmm... given past history, it almost seems like he's "damned if you do, damned if you don't"

    In our office, granted not military, we 'discourage' personal calls at our desks, reminding people that all calls through these phones are recorded.... Could he say to her something like he is not allowed to take personal calls at work, and this is why he keeps his cell with him for emergencies??

    Good luck!

    Comment


    • #3
      Military phone numbers are easily accessible to anyone with access the DWAN (or anyone who knows someone with access to the DWAN).

      ... and "the military" definitely has caller ID.

      As for your question, it's totally up to him - he can ask her to not call him at work if he wants to. Whether she complies is up to her.

      In this case, I would imagine that D14 called both Dad and Mom when the bus didn't show up, and Mom got hold of Dad to let him know... Sounds like exactly what should have transpired - and I would think it a little bizarre if anybody got wrapped around the axles over it.

      Cheers!

      Gary

      Comment


      • #4
        She's in the military as well, she knows that they are not supposed to receive personal phone calls.

        Outside numbers are not identified to my husband's office phones and she was calling from home today. When he calls me from work, his number is masked as well. Maybe they show up when calling internally on the base, but not outside lines.

        Anyway, it annoyed him that she called him at work. But I think he probably should just let it go for this time. But if it happens again, then it will be a different story! It took 2 years for her to stop trying to call and realize that it was email only, we are very careful not to open that can of worms again!

        Thanks guys!
        Last edited by CCB; 03-19-2012, 08:46 AM.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Gary M View Post
          ...
          In this case, I would imagine that D14 called both Dad and Mom when the bus didn't show up, and Mom got hold of Dad to let him know... Sounds like exactly what should have transpired - and I would think it a little bizarre if anybody got wrapped around the axles over it.
          It seems it was a reasonable thing to do. Parenting requires communication.

          Comment


          • #6
            I agree... I wouldn't put too much thought into it... especially if she was civil about the phone call... you post doesn't say that she was hostile towards him, just that she has been in the past... maybe after 2 years, she has realized that if she wants to talk to him on the phone she needs to at least pretend to be nice...

            I honestly would not classify this as a "personal call" per say... yes technically it was, but it wasn't like it was his friend calling him to plan upcoming events for the weekend... it was the mother of his child letting him know what was going on.

            Even if she phones him again, and its pertaining to the children and she is civil about it, there is no reason two adults can't talk on the phone... just my honest opinion.

            Comment


            • #7
              Can you look at the positive side of things, and the fact that his daughter did call him. The worst case is she never phones dad for anything.
              My 13 year old son calls both of us if he gets voicemail with the first one. I'd consider it a good sign and great communication to be honest.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by CCB View Post
                My husband and his ex only communicate by email because of past verbal abuse on her part over the phone.

                My husband recently moved positions at work, to a job where he has his own desk and phone line. He hasn't advertised his number to anyone except me, his wife.

                This morning, D14 had left a voicemail on his cell phone letting him know that her school bus hadn't showed up to pick her up. Before he even had a chance to call her back, the ex-wife was calling his office phone. He answered because he didn't know who was calling - the military doesn't have caller id LOL.

                He said he didn't know how she even got his number, and figured that she must have called the base operator.

                If you were my husband, would you say anything to her about the fact that he doesn't want her calling him at work? I know he has to be reached in an emergency, but D14 already left him a message, so was this an emergency?

                Maybe this is one of those pick your battle things, and if it is, fair enough. It's easier for other people to see it LOL!
                This matter you keep describing CCB sounds like a classic case where a Parallel Parenting Order is needed to keep the peace.

                Don't read into the actions of the other parent too much and if limits need to be put in place your partner should be requesting the court to consider a parallel parenting order with strict communications guidelines to manage the conflict.

                There are a lot of great examples of these kinds of orders on CanLII.org. Just search "Parallel Parenting" in Ontario and start reading. Another good search is "Our Family Wizard" in CanLII.org.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

                Comment


                • #9
                  Thanks for the info guys. Tayken, I was not aware of the Parallel Parenting Order...interesting. I'll have to get my husband to look into this for his upcoming court appearance.
                  Last edited by CCB; 03-20-2012, 07:22 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'm sorry, but in order to "pick your battles" you first have to have a battle to pick! I agree in the absence of verbal abuse this kind of interaction is healthy and necessary to co-parent a child.

                    Look at it objectively and if it were anyone else would he or you react so strongly? Let's say a neighbour saw your daughter standing at the school bus stop and called the base to tell him her situation. He would probably thank the neighbour and consider his options for helping her out. If he can interact with the ex in the same way EVERYONE's life will be so much easier.

                    You say "But I think he probably should just let it go for this time. But if it happens again, then it will be a different story!" Maybe next time his daughter will miss a day of school and wander the streets, all because they can't communicate. That would be sad.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      She's 14 years old and she had already left her father a message letting him know. She was inside our home when she called, safe and sound, so no concerns about wandering the streets.

                      Seriously people, can we not give advice and support people without being snarky and judgmental? When emotions are running high, sometimes it takes another person's point of view to realize that the situation isn't all that bad after all. I am always greatful for this, but I really get tired of seeing people belittled and judged about seeking information.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by CCB View Post
                        Thanks for the info guys. Tayken, I was not aware of the Parallel Parenting Order...interesting. I'll have to get my husband to look into this for his upcoming court appearance.
                        Best analysis of Parallel Parenting in case law in my opinion:

                        Date: 2011-09-09
                        Docket: DF 2217/09
                        URL: CanLII - 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)
                        Citation: V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII), <http://canlii.ca/t/fn2r2>

                        Read paragraphs 63 through to 96 for a proper definition of "Parallel Parenting".

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thanks Tayken, much appreciated!

                          Comment

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