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  • Parent communicating only through kids

    I was wondering if anyone has suggestions on how to deal with an issue on communication. This specifically affects changes in plans, pick ups/drop offs etc.

    I literally have no idea what is ever going on, despite the fact that I maintain a calendar that both my ex and children are on. My ex has times to pick up and drop off the kids, but he will pick them up early (before I get home from work), pick them up from school (I don't know about it). He will send them a text (10 year old) and tell them. I literally have no idea what is going on. I usually wait for the kids to tell me, but I feel like it's exhausting for them, as they are like a go a between.

    I have indicated that this is not productive (to my ex) and that I don't think he should be communicating changes in schedules to a 10 year old.

    As background - signed separation agreement, filed with court.

    Any thoughts on how to navigate this?

  • #2
    What is the big deal with him picking them up early? Is ten minutes a hill to die on?

    You could simply tell him that you don’t have an issue with him picking up early but could he message you instead of kid as kid is too young to remember the messages.

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    • #3
      Young children should not be put in the position of a go between. It sets them up for that role for life. But there is no way to enforce this. There should be.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
        What is the big deal with him picking them up early? Is ten minutes a hill to die on?

        You could simply tell him that you don’t have an issue with him picking up early but could he message you instead of kid as kid is too young to remember the messages.
        When I won't see them for 5 days, it's a massive hill to die on. I like to say goodbye to the kids.

        on a dinner night, no big deal, but I do like to know these things. If I don't have to come home, I don't have to come home. Bonus for me!

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        • #5
          As I posted elsewhere a judge at conference commented that the court cannot stop someone from behaving like a jerk (it was not directed at me). People rarely change their ways, likely this parent was a jerk before. So as rockscan points out pick the battle. You can't fix crazy.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by beentheredonethis View Post
            When I won't see them for 5 days, it's a massive hill to die on. I like to say goodbye to the kids.

            on a dinner night, no big deal, but I do like to know these things. If I don't have to come home, I don't have to come home. Bonus for me!
            IMO, this is about your feelings here. Yes, I bet the kid would like to say goodbye to you and all that. However, at least one of the kids is 10, and likely mature enough to handle not being able to say goodbye.

            You ex may prefer to pick up the kids early simply to avoid contact with you. If the exchange days are on school days, that would be common if you have a 2/2/5/5 schedule (reading you won't see them for 5 days, so I am assuming).

            I would do 3 things:

            1) ask the ex to let you know when they are picking up the kids early. This request is likely to be ignored (which reflects poorly on your ex ultimately. I mean, come on. A text isn't that tough).

            2) encourage the kids to let you know when they receive a message about being picked up early. It may be hit and miss, but with some encouragement, this may help you with your planning (having to use the kids is not ideal, but if your ex is so stubborn they won't let you know, it is a viable alternative).

            3) On the days it is your ex's turn to pick up the kids, say goodbye to them in the morning when they go to school.

            What does your agreement provide for pickups? If your ex is capable of picking the kids up from school, why not have it so that is when exchange time? Why create extra back and forth by you picking them up from school and then having to interact with your ex at your house? If they pick them up at school, that is less face time with your ex that you have to inflict upon yourself.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by beentheredonethis View Post
              but he will pick them up early (before I get home from work), pick them up from school (I don't know about it).
              Why is he not always picking them up from school?

              Any in-person exchange is a chance for conflict. School exchanges drastically reduce conflict.

              Why not propose that he always picks them up from school? That way it is never your problem, and you can live your life by your calendar.

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              • #8
                He lives out of town, the children take a bus after school. I am not sure he could pick up after school. But maybe.
                I am also not sure how the kids would feel about bringing all of their sport equipment on the bus for the weekend, but it's worth a try I guess. Seems a bit inconvenient to them.
                When we started this agreement, they walked to his house after school, that was in June last year (we separated last April). In August he moved 45 minutes away.

                Our schedule is every other weekend, not 2-2-5-5, with a mid week in between.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by beentheredonethis View Post
                  He lives out of town, the children take a bus after school. I am not sure he could pick up after school. But maybe.
                  I am also not sure how the kids would feel about bringing all of their sport equipment on the bus for the weekend, but it's worth a try I guess. Seems a bit inconvenient to them.
                  When we started this agreement, they walked to his house after school, that was in June last year (we separated last April). In August he moved 45 minutes away.

                  Our schedule is every other weekend, not 2-2-5-5, with a mid week in between.
                  In the same boat where other parent moved the kids 45 min away without consultation or considering impact. Thankfully the SA anticipated this and some of the impact has been minimized but not all. All part of the matter before the court. I would say if he moved then he needs to find ways to mitigate the impact including how sports gear gets to and from where it needs to be, and of course the kids!

                  Comment

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