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Parental Alienation- what steps to take

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  • #16
    Originally posted by arabian View Post
    WTF? Gatekeeper/control freakish?
    I can see Arabian that you are still a judgemental ass and can't be bothered to go back in the history or actually try to help solve a problem. Some people never change

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    • #17
      You really need to understand the single most important thing going through your childs head right now -- SURVIVAL. She is trying her best to keep her head above water in a major battle between two grown ups. If you think dealing with your ex is bad, imagine a child dealing with that AND what it does to you. Then remember that she is trying desperately to make sure SHE is not also causing problems. You need to wrap your head around what she is FEELING as a result of her parents ACTIONS.

      The two of you need to stop fighting. You need to stop allowing him to bait you. You need to stop feeding him. All of those actions are leading to upset for her. She is a prisoner of your divorce. Even if your ex husband doesnt get it and is intent on making your life hell you have to find a way to not feed whatever he does that has a direct impact on your child.

      If court action to change custody is needed fine, do that. If you need court action to get her into therapy then do that. Whatever it takes you have to get supports in place for your daughter. If that means getting supports in place for you NOW so you are strong enough THEN, do it.

      The bottom line is by fighting with your ex you are making your daughters life much worse. Think of her as a hostage. Do you continue to anger the hostage holder or do you negotiate?

      You survived his abuse. You can do this for your daughter.

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      • #18
        THANK YOU Rockscan. That is exactly what I am struggling to do. I am part of the problem and part of the solution. It is difficult sometimes to put my own emotions aside and deal with this rationally, but i do my very best. Your encouragement and straight advice is appreciated

        At this point based on a talk with my coach today, I have decided that I will ask him for a meeting in a public place with the limited topic of how we can handle the different stories we are each getting from her. I will suggest getting her counselling jointly, and offer that I will be getting my own help and ask that he also do the same.

        My coach has suggested that we have our daughter present for the initial part of this conversation, so she can see that we are in fact working together and also to gauge her reaction to the different stories at each house issue. I think some place like McDs will work, as we can send her into the playground and she will not be part of the main discussion.

        If things go well then I may also suggest we move towards a bi-weekly email or phone call for issues that are not time sensitive. I'm being coached on establishing boundaries. Up until now I have gotten overwhelmed trying to do this and have allowed him to cross them over and over. It certainly helps to have someone coaching me.

        Honestly, the easiest way to deal with this would be to take it back to court and go after full custody. But I don't want my daughter to learn that the way to deal with a problem is to go into attack mode. She already has a bad example teaching her that. It certainly is an option I won't put aside, but I have to continue fighting to make this work, at least a little longer until I KNOW that I gave it every chance I could to make it work for her.

        I would appreciate any further feedback or suggestions. We are in Vaughan and Brampton so if anyone has a good resource to recommend I would really love to look into it. Thanks!

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        • #19
          Court isnt a bad idea if you both are working at improving yourselves. There is an option of therapy being ordered for both of you separately and as a family together. If your ex is an abusive person his abuse doesnt stop with you and he may not understand he is abusing his child. Many people have the misconception of what physical or emotional abuse is. Saying things about you to his child or putting her in the middle IS ABUSE. You telling him is not effective. A judge telling him may hold more weight.

          It sounds like you are moving in the right direction, its just a matter of getting him on board. That may be the hardest part. Hopefully he has enough caring for his child that he is willing to work together with you but from what youve said, I cant see him agreeing. Good luck!

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          • #20
            Originally posted by billiechic View Post
            I can see Arabian that you are still a judgemental ass and can't be bothered to go back in the history or actually try to help solve a problem. Some people never change
            Name calling is not a good thing. If this is how you deal with your ex when under pressure then it's no wonder you have issues.

            Actually I did look at some of your posts from 2009. You have been a self-described victim of abuse from your ex for over a decade now?

            There are many people who have posted on this forum over the years who have said that they are victims of spousal abuse. Fortunately courts are on to people (notably women) who allege this only to try to get an advantage in child custody disputes. So I'd be cautious about using the term "victim of abuse" cautiously as the onus will be on you to prove the abuse should you end up in court. Allegations of 6 years of abuse AFTER you are no longer living with your ex will definitely raise some eyebrows.

            With that said I think it's not uncommon for a young child who is in the middle of an ongoing high-conflict relationship between parents to try to say whatever the child perceives the parent wants to hear at any given time (just like sleaze-bag lawyers tell clients what they want to hear rather than the cold, hard truth). And, yes, your daughter might be struggling with balancing how to love her father but not let you know. You say you are happy that your daughter loves her father but somehow that sounds disingenuous.

            Maybe you have to quit trying so hard to control the situation? You sound quite anxious... almost hysterical.

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            • #21
              I am not hysterical. Frustrated, confused and at the end of my rope, yes. And doing the right thing and seeking advice.
              I am not "one of those women making false allegations" and trying to browbeat an innocent man. I am one of those good mothers trying to make the best of it for my kid with the crap hand I have been handed. That is how I choose to look at it. However I can't get the proper advice for the situation without telling the background, as it does look like I am being controlling until you know what is really going on under the surface.

              Please send me your email and I will send you the photos of the physical injuries. The court has them but apparently for someone on the internet to actually believe someone who has been continuing to deal with this for 20 years I need to PROVE it to you. Maybe you should nominate me for an Emmy since you think I am just playing a part??

              And just so you know, abuse does not mean just physical injuries. I have witnesses and recordings to back me up. I have just chosen to NOT proceed with the intention of punishing him. I made that decision 6 years ago knowing it would only hurt my child. That in itself shows who I am and what I stand for.

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              • #22
                If you're looking for advice, I would suggest trying to ensure that your daughter has friendly, neutral adults in her life. At the moment, the two most important people in her world are enmeshed in a mutually antagonistic battle, which has been going on ever since she can remember. She needs solid adults in her life who have no connection to this conflict, so that the conflict doesn't come to define her world. Brownies is a great idea - possibly also a church youth group? Or summer camp? Or look into a discussion group for kids experiencing loss/death/divorce, like the Rainbows programme offered in many communities?

                As for your ex, it's clear you can't communicate with him, after six years, so I suggest you stop trying. Don't try to arrange meetings to talk about your daughter, don't suggest joint counselling with him, don't pick up the phone when he calls, don't call your daughter when she is with him, block his texts and don't unblock them. Conflict can be addictive in a weird way, and you need to go cold turkey. Short emails only (or letters, or faxes) only, and no more than one per week. If he responds or tries to engage more, ignore him. I know you said he won't give out his email address, but if you give yours to him and then stop communicating with him in other ways, he'll use email.

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                • #23
                  My ex was charged with assault by the police on April 1 during that dreadful time of the month- support cheque time. He slammed me into walls in front of the boys. The police issued a restraining order against him. Terrible conflict which has now resulted in him just stopping support payments.
                  The thing about it is that hes not allowed to talk/text/email me anymore (unless through a lawyer) and I've gotta say, not having someone criticize every move I make is great. Mind you, he is doing whatever else he can to get me through his lawyer, but not having to look at his disapproving mean face has made me happier. It gives me hope for a future...a 'taste' of peace, a little tidbit.... even amongst all this court crap.
                  I guess what I'm saying is, if your still fighting after all this time, talking probably won't help. Showing empathy or trying to compromise is a sign of weakness to some people. Getting distance from someone like that does help. Do what you can to help your daughter (I wish I had better advise on how) and expect no cooperation from this person. I think I will be having the same issues with my kids once they get older and start disagreeing with him. You don't disagree with my ex, in case you missed the memo!

                  Comment

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