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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 02-04-2020, 04:00 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Default Coming to Terms with Situation

Hi All,

So many may have read in other threads that my separation has been quite acrimonious. The support of this group has been quite helpful, especially knowing you are not alone in this craziness.

There were a number of factors that led to my separation from my wife. Issues on my end that needed resolving. I can comfortably say that through hard work and counseling, I have overcome those issues.

Now when I approach my wife to check on reconciliation, she says that its not about what led to the separation, but rather how I've acted during the separation.

What she means by this, is that SHE filed a court application for sole custody and extremely limited access to the kids (basically asked for the moon) and I lawyered up and responded accordingly, did the CC and SC's, and came out with a negotiated agreement of joint custody and 50/50 parenting through graduated steps. According to her, I did not give her what she wants, and as such, demonstrated that I do not put her first or listen to her, and apparently that is why she does not wish to reconcile!

She made me choose between gambling with parenting our kids with the possibility of reconciliation. She essentially wanted me to give into her every demand, and because I fought back, she does not want to be with me? Essentially, her court application was SO ridiculous that I barely needed to open my mouth, and the outcome was NOT because of what I said or did, but rather by her own alienating actions that painted her in a negative light in court.

I am trying to have the opportunity to meet with her to clear the air on all of her misconceptions, speculations and mis-trust, however she basically is screaming for divorce and I'm afraid its too late. I am not the one who filed in court, and caused things to spin out of control to the point of no return. She basically has divorce engrained in her mind, and I am positive that our differences are not "irreconcilable" but rather if we cleared the air and took baby steps, we could actually save the marriage.

Can anyone provide any insight? I never wanted to start a war, but don't put me in a position where I have to choose between my wife and kids...
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Old 02-04-2020, 04:09 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Wtf? Why would you go through this fight only to want to reconcile? Your ex is right. You aren’t thinking as a team or even about her. This is totally about you and what you want.

Move on with your life and that includes interfering in your ex’s time with the kids. I have never heard anyone so completely off base in their life as you.
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Old 02-04-2020, 04:18 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Why would you go through this fight only to want to reconcile?
I never wanted to go through fight. She is the one who hired a lawyer and filed in court, making it hostile. Her court application did not mince words either, it was ugly mud slinging. I simply responded and went through court process. All along the way I said I did not want conflict or fight. But I will not give in to being a stranger to my kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Your ex is right. You aren’t thinking as a team or even about her. This is totally about you and what you want.
If I was thinking of giving her what she wanted, I would have been a stranger to my kids. That was not in best interest of the kids. Essentially she told me we separated for reason X, and I fixed that reason. Now she is telling me it is because of how the court process played out. She will find any excuse.
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Old 02-04-2020, 04:36 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
I have never heard anyone so completely off base in their life as you.
My ex said she would never divorce me when we first separated. Now she has divorce on her mind. When I call her out on her previous statements, she said "oh well that was before the court process". So basically she wants to divorce me because the outcome of a process she started? Sorry the outcome wasn't to her liking, but she asked for the moon....
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Old 02-05-2020, 10:08 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
don't put me in a position where I have to choose between my wife and kids...

You don't have a wife, you have an ex.


Some subtle differences:


1) One you fight against in court, the other you don't.
2) One tries to take your kids from you, the other does not
3) One usually doesn't live with you, the other does.



Seriously, are you actually looking to reconcile? That boat sailed a long time ago. You cannot possibly defend yourself adequately if you are hoping to not hurt your ex's feelings.


She is trying to take away your kids. This is the worst thing possible. On the entire planet, nobody has ever done anything even remotely this bad to you. Never forget that.
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Old 02-05-2020, 11:09 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
She is trying to take away your kids. This is the worst thing possible. On the entire planet, nobody has ever done anything even remotely this bad to you. Never forget that.
Thank you for reminding me of that. Sometimes I need to hear that again to be stamped in my head. The court process was horrible where I got called every name in the book with every effort made possible to restrict my time with the kids. Pure evil. I have friends who have sat down with their exes at a table, pounded out an agreement seeing joint custody and 50/50 from the start. Even Steven. Whereas me I had to waste away my financial resources to get a court process to cram that into her head... Appreciate the input.
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Old 02-05-2020, 09:14 PM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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I don't get it. You consider reconciling in the early stages. A court process was started and it doesn't matter by whom. You both burned a shit?oad of money in legal fees and you were expecting a chance at reconciling? Sorry but that sounds completely daft. Like Janus said. That ship sailed long time ago. How do you not see this?
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Old 02-06-2020, 12:25 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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I appreciate the insight from all, but as is the case with this forum, everyone only gets a brief snapshot of information and not the whole story.

Separation was supposed to be only temporary. My ex is a gentle person, but puts WAY too much stock in the advice of her family. The separation and court process was all spearheaded and masterminded by her mother who has too much time on her hands, and personally did not want me in the picture. The mother is the one who actually met with her lawyers and wrote all the court documents. My ex has her hands full with work during the day and kids in evenings and weekends, that all she basically did was sign papers when asked to....leaving everything with with her mom to take care of. I'm surprised the mom could restrain herself from showing up in court. This was her pet-project.

I know it takes 2 to tango. If it were me, I would tell my parents to butt out if they meddled in my marriage. However, my ex is over-reliant on her mother and the mother is all too happy to assist. I just feel that things have gotten so out of control. The ship entered the court battlefield and gained so much steam that it sailed to likely the point of no return.....but its like I feel neither of us wanted that course of action but simply couldn't stop the ship. A parenting plan needed to be put in place and we disagreed on the plan, so court was needed, but it did not need to be so acrimonious. Again, it was not her writing her papers, it was her mother who is ruthless and who wanted vengeance for my role in the break-up.... I was simply the Respondent and appropriately stood up for the best interest of the kids.

At times and even recently, we share laughs and reminisce of good times. Even sometimes catch ourselves talking as though there is the possibility down the road. I just wish we could get to counseling and see if there is even a crack in the window. If reconciliation isn't possible, counseling together would help to bury the hatchets that were introduced in the court battlefield.
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Old 02-06-2020, 01:03 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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And perhaps you are only seeing one side of your own story. My husband likes to blame his ex mother in law and I remind him he had choices. He chose to marry into the family, he chose to stay, he chose to have a baby etc. He struggled to take responsibility but finally did it. He and his ex had moments of laughter and pride when it came to their children after their very ugly and debilitating separation and divorce. It didn’t mean they should reconcile.

Your ex was also complacent in “letting” her mother control her. It might have been a learned behaviour being with you. Or it could have been that her mother was protecting her. Almost all of your posts have demonstrated a theme of your control over all situations. She may have been moving from one controlling personality to another. Her mother would not have been allowed to participate in the legal meetings without your ex’s permission and I have a very hard time believing that someone who is very assertive when it comes to your appearance at kids events wouldn’t also be assertive in the legal process.

You keep hanging on to what you want and you really need to let that go and stop blaming others. It is what it is as they say and you need to move on with your life rather than dwelling in the past and/or trying to get what you want.
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Old 02-06-2020, 02:49 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Probably the best advice received is from Janus. Why would I want someone back who tried vindictively to limit the ability of our kids to be with their dad?

I certainly appreciate the advice, but not necessarily the mis-characterizations based on previous posts. I am far from controlling. I am simply a passenger on a ride I never wanted to be on. Attending my kids' hockey games is to cheer them on is about supporting and encouraging THEM, and nothing to do with my ex. Seeking advice on how to deal with her shenanigans where she continuously and purposefully pulls petty garbage is just that, a dad who is tired of being played games with- where ex is using the kids as the means to play games. It has nothing to do with control. I am well aware that I have absolutely no control, never did. That is part of the problem with Family Law and Family Court....many times the other parent is holding all the cards, and drags the other through lengthy and expensive process for what should be a no-brainer as fair and reasonable.
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