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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 06-26-2007, 10:28 AM
dickstacie dickstacie is offline
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I have joint custody with my ex, he has our son for 6 days a month, never phones our son ever, never takes him out during the week after work (he works close by sometimes) even though I have offered this so he can spend more time with our son. Anyways..you get the point, he's not very involved in our son's life outside of his 6 days a month. I was wondering if there are any other parents out there that constantly have to be responsible for the other parent to be a parent. It seems that I have to tell him everything about my son's school, even though you think it would be easy to pick up a phone and make his own arrangements. He was put off when I told him at the last minute about our son's kindergarten graduation, but I am sick of having to keep him informed when he has the ability to do so for himself, afterall, it is joint custody. Does anybody think that I should continue to keep him informed if it's not an emergency?
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Old 06-27-2007, 06:41 AM
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You know, there are hundreds of non-custodial parents that would love to have the opportunities this person has with his son.
But too often they just don't understand the gift they have.

Personally, I'd be very clear to him, away from the son of course, that you can no longer keep him abreast of everything in the boy’s life. If he does not show some initiative, then it's unfortunate for him and the son, as the son is the one to reap the effects after the fact. Make it very, very clear that it is NOT your responsibility to keep him in the loop. If he feels that it somehow is your responsibility then clarify it for him. Once he’s missed out on a few special events maybe he’ll get it! Kids are only kids once and he needs to hear that, he needs to know his lack of involvement is not a benefit to the son.
I mean if dad occasionally forgot something or didn’t take the steps to call the school or what have you, then a parent does not have a problem “occasionally” reminding the other parent, but your not dad’s keeper, and it’s not your responsibility to coax him into spending more time with the son. Sad and unfortunate, but true.
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Old 06-27-2007, 10:26 AM
jlalex jlalex is offline
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My ex is the same way..he works about 5 minutes away from our home, and I have offered over and over for him to have extra time with the kids but he declines...

I learned a long time ago that I am not the parent police and it isn't my job to make sure he was in the loop...I would never keep him out of the loop though and if he asked I would always tell him if there was something he needed to know. Even now I will tell him about things that he reasonably would not know..like one of the kids has a cavitiy or trouble at school..I mean you can't expect them to interrogate everyone everyday to be sure they don't miss something..so any thing out of the ordinary then yes I make sure he knows about it. But expected things like school field trips etc..the onus is on him.

I simply told him that I had a hard enough time keeping track of all these things for myself let alone making sure he knew them so if he wanted to be involved in these things he would have to contact either myself and ask, or call the school or talk to the kids himself and see whats going on.

Whether he is involved or not has nothing to do with you..if he wants to be involved he will find a way to do so..he's a grown up..he'll figure it out.
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Old 06-27-2007, 10:34 AM
dickstacie dickstacie is offline
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thanks for your replies, now I don't feel so bad.
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Old 06-27-2007, 11:01 AM
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I know how you feel, at first I felt like maybe I was being unfair or that maybe I was cheating my kids..but it occured to me that even though I constantly went out of my way to tell him things and invite him to functions he still didn't get involved..I wasn't cheating my kids of an involved dad..he was..and it isn't up to me to make sure he is an invovled parent. Once I realized this my life got a lot easier. Its still hard sometimes seeing the disapointment on my kids faces but it is *his* relationship with the kids not mine.

Just do your best as a Mom..thats all you can really expect from yourself.
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Old 08-02-2007, 01:38 PM
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I echo what jlalex and FL_needs to change has said.......sometimes the non custodial parent doesnt take advantage of what is being put in front of them on a silver platter........same situation here.....my exes girlfriend lived 5 min down the street but his father couldnt even call to say hi........even though he drove right in front of our house to get to hers........go figure......bite your tongue and forget it......I dont keep my ex in the loop at all.......if he wants info then he can pick up the phone and call and ask or call the school to ask......I cant be bothered anymore......I am a mother to one not to a 12 year old and 40+ year old.......I got tired of it and it seemed like I had to remind him all the time about things and I felt that I was being taken advantage of so I just stopped cold turkey......he doesnt ask he doesnt get the info at all......they have mothers to remind them dont be their parent.....THEY ARE TO BE THE ADULT AND PARENT........just my opinion of course
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