Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Attachment issues/School

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Attachment issues/School

    Top o' the morning to you.

    I'm seeking some advice on how to properly address some concerns I have regarding my ex's attempts to make school a negative experience for D5 once again this year. It seems she's taken it up a notch.

    To begin, D5 is dropped off at school by my g/f, my mother or myself it is always on time (allowing her time to play on the structure with he friends) and the transition is healthy. D5's always laughing and smiling. However, when ex drops her off I learned at the parent teacher conference that D5 becomes anxious and inconsolable. The teacher even stated that he had to call my ex later in the day to let her know she had calmed.

    Last week we found out that D5 was coming in at lunchtime with ex on her time. D5 said that she stayed up really late with mommy and she didnt want her to be crabby. Yesterday we picked D5 up from school and her eyes were tired and bloodshot once again. D5 said that she stayed up late again that "mommy doesn't want me to go to school" and that she cried again at drop off. She says y ex lingers in the doorway. My guess is that my ex wants to say "ever since 50/50.....etc and may be saying certain things ... god I hope not.

    I know that half of you may say it's very normal, but as a loving parent it hurts my heart to know that she only gets to play with her friends in the morning, is rested and doesn't cry at school on days that I drop her off.

    D5 says that she doesn't sleep on her bed at ex's. Both her and my ex say they sleep together on the couch. D5 says its because mommy puts a lot of junk on her bed and she cant fit on it.

    I'm not turning making this a huge deal or catastrophizing in any way .. just a concerned parent who wants the best experience possible for his daughter. I'm a psych guy ((have studied child development and every attachment theory out there) and work on the school board as well, but it's always easier with other people's kids Just looking for an outside opinion.

    Thanks in advance,

    LF32
    Last edited by LovingFather32; 09-21-2016, 10:04 AM.

  • #2
    One of the most difficult things after separation for me was knowing I have very little control over how things go at the other parents, even if I feel that it is negative. The GF is always on me about talking to STBX about this and that and I have tried in the past but have learned that unless there is a true and serious child safety issue it is not in my control to intervene.

    That being said, I found that letting my kids come to me about stuff, no probing, has made them open up even more. Try and keep them as far away from the conflict as possible, dont ever comment on your opinion of the care the other parent is giving, to your kids directly. Even at 5 they know that they should not be telling on Mom and will immediately start shutting down or even worse fib.

    For school... see if your D5 has a friend that could come over for play dates and do some after school stuff with her while on your time. The more support she has at school from her peers the more she will be able to absorb some of the negative influences from your Ex. Work double time on your time to reinforce her confidence, reassure her and nurture her, she will be ok.

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree with everything said in the above post.

      I definitely have no comments about it in front of D5 and I work very hard to make school positive and boost her confidence. We also have playdates with 2 of her SK buddies from time to time.
      It's hard to hear your little girl say "mommy said she doesn't want me in school", perhaps making her feel as if she's doing something wrong by being there.
      I think my ex's plan is to have the teachers believe that she's to ready for school as I had to go through an awful lot of court just to get her in (ex didn't want her in school)
      I hope that in the very least the teachers are observing that the anxiety is only present when one parent drops her off.

      Comment


      • #4
        I thought having shared custody was a sort of acknowledgement on both parent's part that they were to work together through any problems?

        If you have concerns about your daughter I think it would be important to let your ex know your concerns. Offer to have your daughter stay at your place if a bedroom is currently not an option... offer to look at solutions for drop offs as it has come to your attention that ex is having difficulty with this?

        Solution-oriented would be a good way to start I think?

        Comment


        • #5
          From my experience with D7, whos situation is quite similar to yours but maybe slightly less pressure to stay home from Mom. It took a strong, kind and helpful teacher to really get her going and relieve the anxiety. I would suggest working as hard as possible to foster a positive relationship with the teacher and make her aware of D5s anxiety (I would leave out the stuff about Mom). I wouldnt worry too much, I believe it will go away pretty quick and she will be loving school everyday and telling Mommy that she wants to go soon enough. sounds like you are already doing everything you can to make this work.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by arabian View Post
            I thought having shared custody was a sort of acknowledgement on both parent's part that they were to work together through any problems?

            If you have concerns about your daughter I think it would be important to let your ex know your concerns. Offer to have your daughter stay at your place if a bedroom is currently not an option... offer to look at solutions for drop offs as it has come to your attention that ex is having difficulty with this?

            Solution-oriented would be a good way to start I think?
            You're correct. I expressed my concerns over emotionality at drop off in a very polite manner with my ex, stating that it was probably pretty normal in the first week but that perhaps we could assist her as a team with developing some coping strategies for when ex drops her off.

            Unfortunately she didn't reply.

            I did make contact with the teachers and ex said that D5 was uncomfortable around all men. It was so GREAT that her j/k teacher and S/K teacher is/was a male. He's very well known on the board and he's stated that D5 is extremely comfortable around him.

            In the end I'm NOT making a big deal out of this. D5 is brave, resilient and loves school ... I dont think any amount of negativity from the other side can tarnish that for her. It really helps that her step sister LOVES school ore than any child I know and that's one of her hero's.

            You're piece about drop off's is a smart one Arabian. My suggestion was the "bus ride". That would eliminate ex lingering in the doorway. Plus, D5 asks all the time when she gets to ride the bus. Ex is against that also for now I guess.

            In the end Ill just continue to do my part of making everything as positive and fun as possible regarding school ... hopefully ex ill follow suit to create an optimal learning/social/emotional environment for D5.

            My post was kind of impulsive as it hurt to see her tired, bloodshot eyes and hear about crying whenever ex dropped her off. It also upset me to hear that ex is telling her she shouldnt be in school. Too much guilt for a 5 year olds shoulders IMO. I'm confident that things will get better.
            Last edited by LovingFather32; 09-21-2016, 11:56 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Theres also the option of a joint appearance at the parent teacher meeting normally held at the beginning of the school year where you both can get some direction from the teacher. Having you there to witness the teacher commenting on the issues some days may help. Or the other option is to have the teacher make notes of it for your files.

              Your ex needs to realize her child has to go to school. Its not optional and the only person shes hurting is her child!

              Comment


              • #8
                It sounds like your ex is the one with anxiety and attachment issues, and unfortunately she is burdening them onto your daughter. The issue is not that D can't cope with school and needs to stay home with her mother more. The issue is that your ex can't cope.

                She makes D sleep with her (on a couch? that doesn't sound restful), she keeps D up too late, she keeps D from attending school in the morning to stay home with her more, and she has trouble dropping D off at school in an encouraging way.

                Poor D is feeling like it is her responsibility to comfort her mom, that it's her fault her mother is so anxious and upset.

                Unfortunately, you cannot change her mother. You can only reinforce to D that school is the right place for children her age, and her mom is just having a hard time letting go. But it's NOTHING wrong with school, or with D herself. But don't frame it as something wrong with her mother either, just that her mother is having a hard time right now but she's the adult and it is up to her to handle things, not D.

                However, I would document document document, as they say. Write down your observations in a journal. Any message from teachers, add to your journal. Don't go fishing for answers from D, but if she volunteers information, keep track of it. Match it up with absence records and any other reports from the school. If it doesn't settle during the school year, or your ex starts a fight to demand full access again, you may need this documentation to show that it is your ex who is the issue and if access arrangements should change, it should be for you to have more of it.

                There's bound to be upheaval at your ex's house, particularly if she's feeling the pressure of her job hunt being reinforced and losing CS money due to imputation of income, and having to move, etc. Seems like your ex copes with stress by treating D like a lovey. All you can do is be the stable parent.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Kids behave differently with different parents. You may not agree with some of Mom's practices and she probably doesn't agree with some of yours, but unless you have evidence that Kid is being neglected or abused at her mother's, it's not your business. Being upset at junior kindergarten drop-off is distressing but isn't a crisis. Keep up your positive attitude about school in front of Kid, and let the rest of it slide away.

                  When my kid was in daycare, she did fine with transitions when I dropped her off, but cried, wailed, etc when her father did. Same kid + different parents = different behavior. In the long run, no harm was done and she's a happy school-loving kid today.

                  If Kid's attendance becomes a problem for the school once mandatory schooling kicks in, the school authorities can address it directly with the parent concerned because parents have a legal responsibility to ensure their kids attend mandatory school (this also happened with me when my ex wasn't bringing Kid to school on time in gr 1 - ex got called in by teachers and Kid's attendance improved without me having to address it with him). But because junior kindergarten isn't mandatory, there's not much anyone can do if Mom wants to bring Kid late.

                  Co-parenting with someone with whom you have differences is tough, but remember that Mom has to put up with your parenting choices just like you have to put up with hers. Probably each of you thinks the other one is making bad decisions and not doing what's right for Kid. Unless there's evidence of abuse or neglect, however, you're going to have to live with Mom's choices until Kid is 18, so best to start practicing calmness and detachment now.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by stripes View Post
                    Kids behave differently with different parents. You may not agree with some of Mom's practices and she probably doesn't agree with some of yours, but unless you have evidence that Kid is being neglected or abused at her mother's, it's not your business. Being upset at junior kindergarten drop-off is distressing but isn't a crisis. Keep up your positive attitude about school in front of Kid, and let the rest of it slide away.

                    When my kid was in daycare, she did fine with transitions when I dropped her off, but cried, wailed, etc when her father did. Same kid + different parents = different behavior. In the long run, no harm was done and she's a happy school-loving kid today.

                    If Kid's attendance becomes a problem for the school once mandatory schooling kicks in, the school authorities can address it directly with the parent concerned because parents have a legal responsibility to ensure their kids attend mandatory school (this also happened with me when my ex wasn't bringing Kid to school on time in gr 1 - ex got called in by teachers and Kid's attendance improved without me having to address it with him). But because junior kindergarten isn't mandatory, there's not much anyone can do if Mom wants to bring Kid late.

                    Co-parenting with someone with whom you have differences is tough, but remember that Mom has to put up with your parenting choices just like you have to put up with hers. Probably each of you thinks the other one is making bad decisions and not doing what's right for Kid. Unless there's evidence of abuse or neglect, however, you're going to have to live with Mom's choices until Kid is 18, so best to start practicing calmness and detachment now.
                    I don't disagree with anything said here. I don't think D5 is being neglected by her mom at this point. If I did I would take immediate action. I think there are some attachment issues on mom's part that are inhibiting D5 from having the best possible experience in S/K, tuckering her out and making her feel insecure and a tad anxious .. but not neglect. She loves her om and her mom loves her. I just wanted to be sure I was doing everything possible on my part. No parent likes to see tires, bloodshot eyes from staying up late and crying at school only when parent B drops her off. Also tough to hear that mom is saying she shouldn't be in school to her little ears .. I find that a tad inappropriate.

                    Its S/K .. next year is grade 1 .. it'll be a different type of ballgame then for attendance, etc.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Good point - she is not yet in grade 1.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I can only imagine how frustrating it is for divorced parents who dont agree with parenting practices and have to watch things going off the rails. In this case the only thing you can do is provide positive reinforcement to d5. And of course document everything. You can continue to reassure her that mommy and daddy are grown ups and can deal with her being away from them but in the end the response will be "well mommy says shes not as strong as you are and she still misses me". Just keep doing what youre doing and try to not let the frustration get to you. At least you have the benefit of being able to provide a positive influence fifty per cent of the time!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          She will likely have no choice but to stop once she has a job to get to.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            We have the same here.

                            1- still sleeping with mom at almost 8 there and has her own bed and room at dads

                            2-set routine at Dads nothing at moms= when with dad and she is looking tired off to bed early.

                            3- mom was saying the same thing last year, dad said he would be more than wiling to be there at the bus stop with mom to show support of kid going to school. ( mom was saying kid hate school= to find out that it was due to sleep deprivation) MOM said no to Dad being there for bus pick ups kid has been going to school more often.

                            You can only work with what you have....we all have a long haul with our exes.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hello,

                              Sometimes it is very difficult to send your little ones off to school. I understand that. But its best to do a "park & kiss". Let the little one off at the designated area hug, smile and then go. Go home and cry later if you need to. Kids will feed off emotions of their parents. Its hard enough as a little one starting kindergarten, reassurance from parents and a brave face is important! I think now schools even have a policy in place about this. And there is no reason to lurk around the school either unless the school has asked you to be there for an appropriate reason. This is also a policy most schools have too.

                              They will be fine at school, fine to sleep on their own in their own bed and are way more resilient then most adults.

                              Also routine is so important! Bed at the same time every night, wake up, go to school for the bell. The little one needs it and implementing that now helps them to be awesome later too. Just think how much a shift in routine effects us as adults. Im sure you both want your child to be successful at school. Movie night with mom is great but perhaps on a weekend.

                              Just my two cents. Im not an expert by any means.Just a mom. I hope you can at least be on the same page with your ex with something so important as setting up great habits for their future.

                              Good luck!

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X