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  • I'm not sure I completely agree with stripes and pursuing in this particular case, but I can understand where it would work in many other situations. I don't know if you can COMPLETELY ignore someone like MsLF32. She's got a history of trying to set you up for something, so in some cases, a polite sentence or two acknowledging her communication, thanking her for taking the time to write, and then advising that you are already taking steps to care for your daughter, will take some of the wind out her sales.

    If you ignore her or simply initial, you will be accused of being non-communicative. Gushing a thank you and advising her that you do indeed agree and practice the steps that she outlined will take some of the wind out of her sales.

    Sometimes you just have to be almost smarmy in your replies. My ex sometimes uses passive-aggressive insults, to which I cheerily and deliberately misinterpret to be praise from her. It is surprisingly effective in dealing with conflict seekers.

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    • Originally posted by stripes View Post
      Ignore, ignore, ignore. I used to get pages of pompous and condescending crap from my ex: "as it seems you must be reminded of your responsibilities as a parent, it is my duty to tell you ..." etc. This made me fume for a while and respond defensively until I discovered my own internal ignore button. When he no longer got a rise out of me (or when he got bored with it, who knows?) the behavior stopped. At the moment, it's hard to find that internal ignore button, but it will get easier. If you want to indicate that you've seen this material (so she can't claim later that you aren't paying attention to her concerns), you could write "seen" and initial it, or just put a check mark and initial it. This doesn't merit any response.
      This is it exactly.

      These are attempts to dig at you, control you. My ex was a master practitioner.

      The trick is to not feed the troll. Don't show any emotion, irritation. A very brief businesslike answer (thank you), is sufficient. When she finds she isn't getting a reaction, the digs will wane and dissapear.

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      • Nice long list for you LF32...it's passive aggressive.....or stupidity...or deflection.

        I say this because ANY concerned parent would want to be in the LOOP if a child's sickness gets worse.

        Which means HONEY I HATE YOU but call me if anything changes with the child or COULD YOU CALL AFTER THE CHILDS PUT TO BED.

        Writing a small book on how to care for a kid ....is meaningless...and it's frustrating to read.....and it's game playing.....when games shouldn't be played when a child is sick.

        What NOW!!!! YOU didn't follow the instructions and D3 magically got worse? Is this your access weekend approaching?

        If the EX says your parenting skills are barely adaquate.....she'll want to prove it and Goldilocks has no problem interrogating a 3 year old on that list that was given to you.

        EX is indirectly saying she can't communicate with you......but she wrote the list....so she has the problem ......remind her you'll call and give her updates on D3 if she would like (doubt it)....or ask her to join OFW...for messages (doubtful)

        IF ex is gone back to Quebec after dropping off D3...then guilt may make Goldilocks write the instructions.....because Goldilocks won't be nearby in your town.
        Last edited by MrToronto; 11-13-2014, 05:19 PM.

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        • ^^ Boilerplate sentences can be useful in these situations if you think you need more than just a checkmark. Just cut and paste as necessary, lather, rinse, repeat:

          "Thank you for providing this information. I will take it into consideration in caring for D3. Sincerely, ...".

          I think the key thing here is not to engage, either defensively ("I know perfectly well how to care for my child") or by bringing up the broader context of the disputes, even in a positive way ("I know we are both committed to co-parenting D3 and will work together to take care of her health"). Introducing other issues, beyond just acknowledging the existence of the communication, just gives the other party something to work with and/or misinterpret.

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          • Communication book sent back this morning. I didn't even respond to her manual. Just a brief summary of visit. Lots of fluids and rest. Meds administered as prescribed.

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            • Her next move will be to try to prove to the courts that you cannot communicate due to the hostility and conflict present in your case. Do not fall into that trap. Communication books are often used to show that there is poor communication between estranged parents.

              Keep your exchanges in a public place. You don't want anymore false charges esp with the police. Right now charges and bail conditions against you will add flavour to her case.

              Some pearls of wisdom with someone who's been where you're at. Respond candidly and without any sarcasm. Stick to what's best for your daughter. Also as hard as it is, give your ex the benefit of the doubt. She may not be trying to piss you off but actually sharing info with you. Kindness will benefit you in custody hearing.

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              • WMF

                All good advice. I do meet at a public place, with a tape recorder and a witness each and every time. Im not taking any chances.

                The communication book is something I'd requested for 9 months. Or www.ourfamilywizard.com. I always felt it was important so that ex could know what D3 ate, what she did, how I transitioned her. Ex always refused a book until after the motion.

                Interestingly right now everything is amazingly civil. Like the switch of a button. Ex even cracked a joke last time. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt WMF but it's tough. I don't want to be caught off guard ever again.

                False charges are not something I need right now I know. Like Mr. T says hide under my bed. I go get D3 at 5:00pm today until Monday morning. YAYY! So we'll see how this exchange goes.

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                • She is trying to erase the last-8 months. And you have to go along with that, or risk being seen as one who is instigating conflict.
                  I believe, based on personal experience (and extensive reading here and on canlii) that with a few months of good conduct, she will never be held accountable for what she did. My ex made statements 'without prejudice' that I should not be permitted to influence our daughter ... that's 5 years after denying access to newborn for 5 months and stating she wants only supervised or minimal access to me - so it's clearly an ongoing belief, yet the court bought that she supports my parenting role. And if you try to make her accountable, YOU are the one who will be at fault.
                  It's grossly unfair, and unreal, but I think that is how it goes.

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                  • Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
                    She is trying to erase the last-8 months. And you have to go along with that, or risk being seen as one who is instigating conflict.
                    I believe, based on personal experience (and extensive reading here and on canlii) that with a few months of good conduct, she will never be held accountable for what she did. My ex made statements 'without prejudice' that I should not be permitted to influence our daughter ... that's 5 years after denying access to newborn for 5 months and stating she wants only supervised or minimal access to me - so it's clearly an ongoing belief, yet the court bought that she supports my parenting role. And if you try to make her accountable, YOU are the one who will be at fault.
                    It's grossly unfair, and unreal, but I think that is how it goes.
                    Oh I know. Been going over the exact same thing in my head. All the terror I've been through. All the sleepless nights. Now she's forced to cooperate so the past 8 months may be erased. I even heard her in the motion say to her lawyer "can we fight this"? Lawyer responded "there's no point". Goes to show .. what's happening right now? Ex doesn't agree with or want it.

                    Whatever. I'm seeing D3. And cherishing every millisecond of it.

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                    • Moving on is your only course of action.

                      Your next battle is the final agreement. That is what you need to work on. Parralell parenting, 50/50 time, communication process. Jurisdiction to be in school district. Enforceable claises regarding section 7, makeup time, holiday times.

                      I would put the past aside and work on the future.

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                      • Next time you see a judge if you go on about what you were put through, the judge will say 'I ordered on that and it's fixed now.'

                        And, she will say 'judge I changed my behavior but look at him, he is being vengeful and can't move on for our daughter.'

                        You will look bad.

                        The only place to bring up that stuff now is at trial if you do not settle before.

                        Family law judges are unable to fix hurt feelings.

                        Your ex is now trying to kill you with kindness. You are best to get with the program and do the same.

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                        • And, just so you know I know of at least 2 senior Ontario Family Court judges which are cranking out a lot of case law precedents that are themselves separated parents.

                          So, when you are going on about the system or your feelings, they have their own stories and I bet some of them are paying an astronomical amount of CS and/or SS.

                          Food for thought.

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                          • Originally posted by FaithandMorals View Post
                            Your ex is now trying to kill you with kindness. You are best to get with the program and do the same.
                            Precisely what I'm doing. I'm cognizant there's not an alternative to being nice right back. But she must be thinking "what the hell .. all Ive put him through and he's not phased at all". I haven't done anything High conflict since her departure. I wont start now. I get the game.

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                            • The first months of separation are usually hellish for most people. Is it possible that your EX is finally starting to realize that the situation is hurting D3? Surely she loves her daughter as much as you do. She can't be 100% evil - if she was, you never would have married her in the first place no?

                              Of course you should be cautious, but then again, things are improving and like it or not you have at least another 20 years or so with dealing with this Ex of yours. If things are civil, count your blessings.

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                              • Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                                The first months of separation are usually hellish for most people. Is it possible that your EX is finally starting to realize that the situation is hurting D3? Surely she loves her daughter as much as you do. She can't be 100% evil - if she was, you never would have married her in the first place no?

                                Of course you should be cautious, but then again, things are improving and like it or not you have at least another 20 years or so with dealing with this Ex of yours. If things are civil, count your blessings.
                                I'd love nothing more than for this to continue. But allegations not dropped? No mention of mediation? Sep agreement? Still wont give me her addy? Whats all that mean? Ill just continue to ride the wave as my jolly, friendly self ..

                                And yes .. of course I know she loves D3 as much as me. I obviously have issue with her actions for the past 9 months is all. None have been in D3's best interest. In fact they've been downright viscous. I just want to get this whole thing over with already.
                                Last edited by LovingFather32; 11-14-2014, 04:59 PM.

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