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Old 04-26-2012, 12:15 AM
motherbear4 motherbear4 is offline
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Post Narcissistic Ex?

Hi there...I'm a newbie to the forum. Just wondering if anyone out there is dealing with a narcissist? I have been going through 3 years of narcissistic hell with my ex. In and out of court so often that he's finally been told that he cannot bring another motion unless and until there is concrete proof that he is following our court orders and paying his almost 10K arrears. I've heard through the grapevine that he is preparing to take me to court yet again for a second attempt at undue hardship. He makes twice what I do and is able to be the "fun parent" because of his refusal to pay what has been ordered by the court. The amount of money that has been spent for my legal fees (awesome lawyer...worth every penny) could have gone to RESP's or something similar. But nope, he's got to try to prove he's right at each and every turn. Everything is all about him; its sickening to read his emails/affidavits claiming he does what he does for the kids, but its really all about him.

I've learned to be very specific, stick to the issue at hand, and not react emotionally to his abusive texts, emails and whatever insanity he puts in an affidavit. This can be very draining! My little ones are young yet, so of course he's God and I suck it up each and every time they talk about daddy and respond in a positive way. This can be very draining!

Just a tired single mother bear protecting her children and their rights as best she can looking for some support and to provide some too.
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Old 04-26-2012, 01:08 AM
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hadenough hadenough is offline
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Welcome motherbear: there's plenty on here about narcissistic folks. I can't really answer your questions but it does sound like the Judge has your ex pegged so that's good. As well, you are happy with your lawyer - another plus.

How many kids, and what are their ages? What is the current custody/access arrangement?

Also great that you do not engage with his "insanity" (in emails etc). (It took me a while to adopt that attitude). I hope you have good support from friends/family. Understandably, this is all very draining. You should get some more informed answers soon to the specific questions you are asking. Good Luck!
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:18 AM
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My ex has more than enough symptoms to suggest NPD.
  1. Don't think you are going to wave a magic wand and make them behave.
  2. You know they have a personality disorder, stop trying to relate to them like they are normal.
  3. Narcissists do not ever make mistakes or do anything wrong. If you try to point any mistakes or responsibility out to them, you are only inviting an agressive attack.
  4. Narcissists will do things that are to their advantage. Anything and everything you say/send to them MUST be framed so that it shows how it works out better for them.
  5. Avoid setting yourself up as an adversary. Avoid saying "I'll take you to court" or "The courts will see things my way". Instead just frame it as, "Whatever we think, the courts wouldn't see it that way, so we have to do things by the book."
  6. Narcissists need praise and need a fanclub. Don't put yourself in the position of antagonist, it just won't work. When you communicate, grit your teeth, bite your tongue, and then open up with a compliment about something they are doing well. Then say that the two of you have been doing well co-operating lately (even if you haven't) and suggest that you can keep working together to make things better. Then show how things like adhering to a court order will be better for THEM.
It's bullshit, yes it is. But you know what buttons to push, and if you push them the right way, then you have more control over your own situation.
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:14 PM
motherbear4 motherbear4 is offline
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Thanks Mess. I'm essentially doing what you suggest but at no time do I provide him with "praise"...just can't do it. That's how my emails are completely unemotional. Co-parenting...that's a joke and will never ever put in writing that I think we are doing well just to please him. It simply amazes me that he thinks his insane actions are actually going to help him...they never do. And it costs a fortune...ugh!
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:24 PM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Originally Posted by motherbear4 View Post
Thanks Mess. I'm essentially doing what you suggest but at no time do I provide him with "praise"...just can't do it. That's how my emails are completely unemotional. Co-parenting...that's a joke and will never ever put in writing that I think we are doing well just to please him. It simply amazes me that he thinks his insane actions are actually going to help him...they never do. And it costs a fortune...ugh!
Great book that can help you with it all is "Its All Your Fault" by William Eddy. He outlines a specific pattern of communication "E.A.R." which Mess outlined quite well in his posting above. Another book that may be helpful is "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes" by the same author.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 04-26-2012, 01:24 PM
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I'm currently reading BIFF by Bill Eddy as well. Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm responses to hostile aggressive people (Narcassists). #1 rule is never apologize or tell them what to do. It feeds their behaviour.

Basically anything from Bill Eddy will help! But yeah, it sucks. Just keep sucking it up as much as possible.
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Old 04-26-2012, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Clean View Post
I'm currently reading BIFF by Bill Eddy as well. Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm responses to hostile aggressive people (Narcassists). #1 rule is never apologize or tell them what to do. It feeds their behaviour.

Basically anything from Bill Eddy will help! But yeah, it sucks. Just keep sucking it up as much as possible.
BIFF is good too. Great one to point out. All of his materials are great.
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Old 06-02-2012, 01:58 AM
qwiksylvr qwiksylvr is offline
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my ex is totally NPD and if you want you can pm me and we'll talk. I had to deal with him in certain ways to get what we* needed (the children*) and I had to self represent (with great success -whew) as did he (not so successfully). I went to court with the judgement coming out in my favour coz the judge could see his malarky a mile away. My ex thought because "he's always right etc." and I'm a woman and blonde that he would prevail. Didn't happen for him and he's kicking stones now. The best thing is that it was his own testimony that did him in. I found consessions and total honesty and nonpersonalization, as well as total respect for the court went miles. He showed up in casual clothes but I dressed in black and white business professional and carried myself in the best manner possible while he basically thumbed his nose at the judge and the clerk and bailiff. Anyway, if you're interested just p.m. me and I'll do my best for you.
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