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Men get 'screwed' typically?

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  • #16
    Do i really even have a chance?

    Reading these posts I feel I don't have a hope in hell.
    Is this true for every father?
    It sounds like this is the general hand out for men.
    Please convince me this isn't so.
    Yes I was the bread winner and of course that sacrificed time with my children....what now?
    I won't get to see them any more?...one day a week and every second weekend.
    How is this fair?
    My wife hasn't been totally honest with me. She's been running around talking with other men (friends)..ya right! all behind my back.
    She doesn't even have any idea of how much I know....not even for how long.
    She suspects me of being totally oblivious to everything she's been doing .....but I haven't.
    She's the one that has railroaded the marriage to where it is today all the while crying a poor me story to anyone that will lend her a shoulder to cry on.
    All the while blaming me for her problems......"he'll never change".
    Why did she marry my a year ago?
    Why spend the money?
    The past six months I've been desperate to hold it together and shes tearing it apart and has everyone else convinced that I am the problem.
    I've made my share of mistakes but I don't deserve this!
    How does one try to make things better while she talking with other men she presumes I don't know about?
    This is her story to tell.
    She left our home to go find her happiness and taking the kids from everything they have known.
    My oldest was telling me he hates the apartment..."there's nothing to do".
    Tell me they won't take the children away....please!
    I would be happy with a 60/40 split letting her have more of the time with them.
    Please don't give me one day a week and every other weekend.....please don't.....that would hurt so bad.
    Reading this thread I feel like there is no hope at all.
    Please give me more time with the boys.........please god please.
    I will sacrifice my career to make it work!
    I will give anything to make it work!
    The company I work for will even support me on this.
    Please till me I have a chance!

    Comment


    • #17
      It aint so

      Chopper,

      Your spouse will soon find out the grass is not greener on the other side.

      What she sows she shall reap.

      God, does things with the best interest of all involved ... remember, purpose in suffering.

      These circumstances may be necessary as they are a part of your and your wifes or your childrens life mission.

      You need to BELIEVE that the outcome will be for the best, do not hang on to fear, that's Satan's tactics ... hang on to HOPE and FAITH that it will ALL work out. Cause it does ... Chopper.

      Your soul needs peace ... ya know that all physical manifistations do not begin here in this world. They begin in the spiritual world. All lifes problems being in the world that cannot be seen (your thoughts have power and thoughts cannot be seen) ... your battle is not her, its in the world that cannot be seen.

      What can you do?

      Pray, believe and have faith that you are being heard and your cries for help will be answered. Ask and you shall receive! Simple and it works.

      Hubby

      Comment


      • #18
        Hi Brandon
        Hubby's message is a good one.......your old vase(life) is shattered,you may be able to glue it back together but it won't look the same...who knows you may rebuild a different looking vase that you enjoy even more.

        I am not sure whether it is really a gender issue or rather custodial vs non-custodial issue. These dirty tactics can be applied to female or male..but some societal biases tend to effect the male more negatively and yet there is ostracizing and guilt that the mom has to endure if she allows the Dad to be primary parent. If you get bulldog lawyers doing their best for their respective clients according to the process and tools they have to work with...it becomes a nightmare with no end. I have no idea other than to wave a white flag to get it all to stop especially if the go forward plans are so different for each side.

        Comment


        • #19
          Pick and choose your battles in divorce. I'd go with the 40-50% shared parenting, and not back down. The pendulum is swinging this way in court.

          Bearall, if you've been litigating this long there should be an interim custody/access order in place. This should help in the mobility issue. How far does she want to move away? Don't wave the white flag yet. Think about yourself in 10 years from now. You do not want to have regrets that you didn't fight at the time, especially when it comes to your children.

          Comment


          • #20
            Grace You are correct, after a few months of collaboration meetings with shared parenting,the process broke down and she told me to go get a judge to settle the issues. After another 2 months of being restricted from my kids 3 weeks at a time and then just a few hours during each month period,I did hire a litigation lawyer,application for access/custody was made and the judge gave me every 2nd weekend and after school wed til thurs night each week. The judge gave her interim sole custody and primary care because status quo was now entrenched with me giving up the home(rather than take the law into my own hands and kick her out after I learned she had an affair in our house with our little kids in the next room).

            I was eerily in a state of mind like Brandon and sought help in a wellness centre because the shock and greif was overbearing. I was there 5 days getting counselling and medication,when I realized I had a broken heart not a broken brain. This treatment is now used against me as being mentally unstable and the judge had little choice at the time to side with the mom.
            The follow -up treatment was pills and I wanted no part of being dummed down just because i was sad and worried about the dissolution of the family I so loved.

            The dirty tactics over the last 1.5 years would fill a novel and is almost scripted by unethical people who will try to show unfit parenting abilities to accomodate a move away. I could go on and on..........what is before the courts now is extension to wed-mon(1 week) then wed-fri am the next week.
            After discovery last week my ex and her lawyer said"that access is never going to happen !...she is moving with the children and we will offer every 2nd weekend" !!!................Good grief, thats less than I see them now let alone addressing increased access-----------so now what,more conflict and hostility and guilt and wondering what is best for our kids in the long run??
            Believe it or not and be aware---even stuff we write on here can be used against us by people out for ill gotten gains

            Comment


            • #21
              What a mess!!! You'd think the Judges would have figured out by now that one parent use status quo as a tactic.

              I feel for Brandon and you and how emotional it can be, especially at the start. I was absolutely devastated when my marriage fell apart, I too sought help, but was told by an experienced therapist not to take any kind of medication as it would be used against me. At least I was told from the start.

              What does your lawyer say your chances are at increased access? In Ontario we have the Office of the Children's Lawyer which can step in, by court order to represent the children's best interest. Is there something similar in Alberta?

              It's a scary thought that our posts could be used against us.

              Comment


              • #22
                There is no office of the children's lawyer that I am aware of in Alberta.
                Grace, in a high conflict divorce posting on a public forum is the least of your worries. If what you post is true, the other side is free to spin it however they want. There are literally dozens and dozens of ways to beat you down, you spend and defend(like pouring money down a rabbit hole)you pray for relief and peace and yet it becomes the last person standing on the battlefield with nothing but casualties all around. The Divorce process is a huge messy pit with no one particular party exclusively to blame.

                I don't begrudge my ex for her conduct,she was the strong one to end a marriage that wasn't working for her,she needed a transition person to leave and it came as a shock to me,but in reality she had already left in her heart a long time ago and it takes a few years to catch up to that same form of detachment or withdrawal. It must have been painful and a huge internal stuggle for her at a time when I didn't even know it.

                But,her happiness shouldn't trump everyone else"s in the process. That is the part that is hard to reconcile with. How far will a human being go to destoy others in order to make themseves triumphant in a race to the bottom. There are no winners only losers in a divorce in my opinion,but yet, what else can you expect. Periodic loss of hope ,dreams,expectations...it is a part of everyday life for all people. I am sure, to many it seems a caterpillar when wound tightly in that suffocating cocoon is getting a raw deal....but look at the butterfly coming out on the other side unsmothered, free and beautiful in all its glory. Worth the suffering of divorce I suppose if you could just muster up a tiny glimpse of a better tomorrow and tuck it safely away inside your heart. I doubt if the catepillar knows the fate of it's journey either,----------------------just like the rest of us

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by hubby
                  Lisa,

                  I guess the underlying issue is why some people (men and woman) tend to really get the end of the stick? While others come out with fair settlements, others on the other hand are dealt a bad blow.

                  Why is that? Could it be the judges, the mood their in, the lawyers representing you? I'm just curious.

                  Hubby
                  Regarding your dec 8 '05 message about why judges do what they do : It's all of the above. You have to wonder if the other Lawyer and the judge are golfing buddies or something similar. I know after 6 years of the courts, THOUSANDS (YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE AMOUNT IF I TOLD YOU)of dollars, two homes sold, education funds cashed in, rrsps cashed in etc. and the lawyers are winning, not the ex spouses. Don't get me wrong, I'm by far a financially wealthy person; I saved most of my money before I had children so that I could invest in real estate to secure their futures. I t was a great plan until my ex came along. You may say "Why keep it going" but in the legal system, if you throw in the towel you automatically lose. At this point, I have nothing to give any more.I feel like my life is lived in the courts-whether physically or mentally. I know I need to keep trusting God.
                  God knows the truth

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    why

                    Originally posted by god knows the truth
                    Regarding your dec 8 '05 message about why judges do what they do : It's all of the above. You have to wonder if the other Lawyer and the judge are golfing buddies or something similar. I know after 6 years of the courts, THOUSANDS (YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE AMOUNT IF I TOLD YOU)of dollars, two homes sold, education funds cashed in, rrsps cashed in etc. and the lawyers are winning, not the ex spouses. Don't get me wrong, I'm by far a financially wealthy person; I saved most of my money before I had children so that I could invest in real estate to secure their futures. I t was a great plan until my ex came along. You may say "Why keep it going" but in the legal system, if you throw in the towel you automatically lose. At this point, I have nothing to give any more.I feel like my life is lived in the courts-whether physically or mentally. I know I need to keep trusting God.
                    God knows the truth
                    take care bye for now

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      I find that too !! If you stop you lose everything. 6 years ??? oh my God !!!

                      I think I would be interested in what others have shelled out in dollars and follow the money instead of the trail of broken hearts. It isn't appropriate to bandy about costs in public but perhaps a private message is possible. I came in to the marriage with substantial personal assets as well...looks like if it goes on for another 4.5 years I am in big doodoo

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        I just read my message that I posted afew minutes ago; There was a 'typo'. I meant to say "Don't get me wrong, I'm FAR from being financially wealthy". My eyes almos popped out of my head when I reread my message after I posted it. ha! It's late---that's my excuse

                        Comment

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