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  • Feeling beaten up and need suggestions

    I would like to hear from others who have successfully managed to stop their legal dispute from invading into their lives? After 4 years, I feel disillusioned, bullied and quite frankly traumatized by the whole legal system. How have people managed to let go of the resentment and anger in order to get back to living? (especially when court procedures are still ongoing). I have dreams about hiring a hit-man...not for my ex...but for his lawyer. I'm thinking there might be more productive ways of moving on?? lol

  • #2
    anna, I understand exactly how you feel, especially about your Ex's lawyer. Understand that it's in 'his' best (financial) interest's to get under your skin. Lawyers are paid to intimidate and make you feel like scum - that's all part of the game and it is a game to them.

    Before the end, my Ex had hired 3 different lawyers and each one had his own method of annoyance! Just keep in mind that the judge is the only one who gets to decide how things will be settled and the more you react to the lawyer's crap, the happier they are .... so don't.

    I know it's not easy, but simply try to deal with each request, case conference or court appearance as calmly as possible. Eventually this will end. There were times when I wanted to spit in my Ex's lawyer's face, the arrogant a$$hole instinctively knew how to get to me .... it's all part of the strategy to wear you down and accept their lopsided conditions ... RESIST!!!

    The best way to get things finalized is to disengage, ignore when possible and the 'beast' will choke on it's own poison...

    Good luck and stay strong!

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    • #3
      Thanks Janibel....unfortunately their strategy to wear me down worked at last SC as I mostly folded and gave in. SHould have asked you for your "resist" pep talk before!! You are so right though...giving in or feeding the beast only makes it more hungry. What I thought was a signed final settlement after the last SC...only morphed into another application from my ex 6 weeks later. Hard lesson to learn...as my reasons for giving in were mostly to put this behind me and move on. Guess I will have more opportunity to practise the fine art of resisting...or not getting bullied.

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      • #4
        What has kept me sane through the past 5 years (12 x ) of being dragged to court by my ex is pure and simple anger. Fortunately I have had the services of an excellent lawyer who tempers my outrage by effective editing of my affidavits. I realized soon after the start of my litigation woes that if I didn't stand up for myself that nobody would. Incredible amounts of money were expended on lawyers but better the lawyers get it than my ex's g/f.

        As an aside, today would have been my 35th wedding anniversary. I will always carry mixed emotions about the ordeal as I do remember years-gone-by of very happy times. We produced a son and made many good friends over the years. For that I will always be grateful. The absolute 'icing on the cake' is that I won't have the burden of looking after my whining, miserable ex in his old age. So I guess, all-in-all, things aren't so bad and yes, the fight was definitely worth the end result if you take everything into consideration.

        Don't relent if giving in is something you will regret in the future. Get angry and stand your ground.

        And by the way I did seriously consider having someone physically wake my ex up from his idiocy in the early years following our divorce. It would have been relatively simple to arrange, however, I quickly surmised that he simply wasn't worth it (these things aren't cheap).

        I'd suggest while you stay angry (to catapult you through litigation years) you take up a physically challenging activity or sport. Volunteering is also excellent as it gives you perspective on really how insignificant your situation is in the world. Quit talking about your situation to your friends (if you haven't all ready). Someone once told me to envision my funeral and what you want people to remember me by - woman going through bad divorce or kind, generous person.
        Last edited by arabian; 03-29-2015, 12:17 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by annapurna66 View Post
          Thanks Janibel....unfortunately their strategy to wear me down worked at last SC as I mostly folded and gave in.

          Guess I will have more opportunity to practise the fine art of resisting...or not getting bullied.
          Don't feel bad about that, just learn from it ... Most divorcing people feel that they got the short end of the stick in court - we all lose something, there's no getting around that fact.

          My divorce was finalized this week and although I feel that it was a good-enough settlement, I know that I could have done better by digging in my heels. There comes a point where you have to cut your losses and move on for the sake of your health and sanity... life is short.

          Don't second guess or regret your decisions (you'll drive yourself crazy) - accept whatever you have agreed with and try to make the best of things regardless. There are no clear winners in divorce, just people doing the best they can with what's left over after the carnage.
          Last edited by Janibel; 03-29-2015, 01:49 PM.

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          • #6
            So true about knowing when to cut your losses. Its a hard decision to make when you are self-represented and being bullied by the other side. You just want it over. I have been going a wee bit crazy kicking myself for everything I gave up. I did it to finish the craziness and get out of the legal system...little did I realize that the other side did not have the same motives...and I would find myself right back in the thick of it again. I appreciate your comments...easy to beat oneself up...but without unlimited finances and/or a law degree...we all are just doing the best we can. Thanks for the helpful insights Janibel and Arabian...sometimes it just helps to know that others have been in the same rocky boat you have.

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            • #7
              I had a two lawyers and I ended up firing both. With the last one telling me point blank, we would lose in court and I should negotiate. I went self presented last Tuesday and was able to keep primary custody of our son. I focused on the best interest of the child. So there are wins.

              So to think I would have paid her 8K for basically nothing if I stayed with her

              The best advice is you need to read Canlii. Look for similar cases like yours and educate yourself.

              The reason the other side is sending you demands to sign out of court is because sometimes the lawyer knows they have an iffy chance that a judge would agree and hope because you don't know the law, you would just simply raise your hands up.

              Look up and read up in Canlii. Read up on the best interests of the child law and focus on that. In the end, everything else is just smoke and mirrors.

              You have nothing to lose, except time. Prepare yourself and remember, you are doing what's best for your child. And don't let his lawyer decide, let a judge decide. Remember this is for your kid.


              Originally posted by annapurna66 View Post
              So true about knowing when to cut your losses. Its a hard decision to make when you are self-represented and being bullied by the other side. You just want it over. I have been going a wee bit crazy kicking myself for everything I gave up. I did it to finish the craziness and get out of the legal system...little did I realize that the other side did not have the same motives...and I would find myself right back in the thick of it again. I appreciate your comments...easy to beat oneself up...but without unlimited finances and/or a law degree...we all are just doing the best we can. Thanks for the helpful insights Janibel and Arabian...sometimes it just helps to know that others have been in the same rocky boat you have.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by FirstTimer View Post

                The reason the other side is sending you demands to sign out of court is because sometimes the lawyer knows they have an iffy chance that a judge would agree and hope because you don't know the law, you would just simply raise your hands up. And don't let his lawyer decide, let a judge decide. Remember this is for your kid.
                Absolutely! ^^^ Family law being what it is, there is no guarantee that going to trial will get you the deal you want - laws can be interpreted and judge's discretion is a toss of the dice. It's expensive nerve-wracking drama with often disappointing results.

                By all means do your research into what a fair deal would be in your situation, weigh the pro's and con's. Bottom line is to agree on a settlement that you can live with, using the least amount of lawyer's intervention. Once you have a clear idea of what you are willing to settle for .... be firm and stand your ground.
                Last edited by Janibel; 03-30-2015, 01:58 PM.

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                • #9
                  I think YOU need to NOT let the "legal" stuff invade your life.

                  Lets say all the legal stuff goes to hell, so what?

                  You are a woman I think, so what is the worst that happens, you get a bit less spousal support, maybe with your kids in shared custody not sole custody. You are at very LITTLE risk of "losing" anything and mostly what you get you probably don't deserve ethically (but legally you are entitled).

                  If you were a man you would at risk all the time of losing your child forever (when your ex decided so skip town). You can be sent to a jail, lose your license, passport, about 30% of your net income will given to your ex for the rest of her life practically and if you have shared you will STILL be paying her and paying the expenses of your chilren (which are pretty muhc not reduced even due to divorce).

                  The moral, is when you are woman in divorce - look at those beneath you who get more screwed than you (i.e: men) then sit back relax and know that no matter what the judge or the state will take care of you with or without your exhusband.

                  You can go to court and REFUSE spousal support and the judge will order you to get it anyways.

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                  • #10
                    I do not agree with Link17. Ther court does not favour women over men. However I think it does favour the financially weaker party- that can be either the wife or husband. In certain professions women make up the majority- and a lot of them have a higher earning potential than their ex husbands. I think the moral is: being practical and reasonable.

                    I think I understand how frustrated Op is. I am on the verge of going pro se. I know what I want, what my bottom line is and I have spent way too much legal fee getting nowhere. The problem is my ex is so unpredictable. One day he wants to talk but when you follow up and see if he wants to meet to go over things, he becomes hesitant and wanting to consult his lawyer. Then lawyer of course uses the opportunity to make money and make a big deal out of it. Then ex comes back and his demeanour is totally different.

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                    • #11
                      A women's earning potential doesn't seem to matter. My ex wife had more education and earning potential and the same number of years of work experience I had. She loaded up on spousal support from day one and has never gone back to work to this day.

                      To this day she has told me she is extremely proud to have handled me the way she did to get everything she wanted.

                      Link is a bit cynical (and well earned) but still. Psychotic.

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                      • #12
                        I see my son EOW, I saw more than 73% of my gross income taken away from me every month, and I even had the pleasure of sitting in police interrogation rooms being grilled after being falsely accused of sexual molesting children by my ex.

                        Like I said, Link is cynical, but he's not entirely wrong. Not every case goes as badly as he says, but many certainly do.

                        I even went to my doctor looking for help coping with my anxiety and depression in that situation and my female doctor told me she wouldn't do anything and to man up.

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                        • #13
                          I wont get into the finer details of what led to my partners divorce. Ive gleaned info from him, his family, his closest friends (who knew him pre and post marriage) and his nightmares/talking in his sleep. He was a "mr mom" their entire marriage. Supported her so she could work through her field to the top. Lost jobs in his field because of it. Couldnt move up with companies because his field is nomadic. He sacrificed a lot. The only reason he complains now is because finally divorcing freed him from the emotional abuse of the marriage but cut him off from the only part he enjoyed--being a dad.

                          He finds ways to get through it. He has moments where hes angry and bitter. He spends time mourning what he lost. He also knows that there are men (and women) much worse off dealing with even worse situations.

                          You get through it. A little battered and bruised but you do survive. Just remember to keep breathing, stay calm and take a moment here and there to bitch/scream/punch a pillow. In the end you arent in the situation that caused it and you are no longer sharing space with some who sucks the life out of you.

                          He did go to see a counselor last year on my urging. Im not a fan of medication but more talking to someone. Even men are impacted by this and its just as devastating to them. He found comfort in what his therapist told him. It doesnt really help him when the ex is needling him or the kids are difficult but it did show him hes just as much impacted by what happened.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                            In the end you arent in the situation that caused it and you are no longer sharing space with someone who sucks the life out of you.
                            ^^^Good point, aside from the welfare of your child/children, being able to live a peaceful life has to be your number one priority. Personally, I opted for a smaller settlement rather than years of battling it out in court with an unreasonable jerk who would rather blow it all on lawyers bills than do what's right for all concerned.

                            Vengeance/bitterness has a price.

                            I have the basics covered, everything else is icing on the cake. The main thing is no more DRAMA. I have the love and respect of my son ... and now I'm free of the Ex's BS. Life is good

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                            • #15
                              @Annapurn66 I absolutely feel for you. I'm going through the similar thoughts and feelings. The whole process has left me feeling pretty down.

                              I started a new job about 2 months before my ex came out of the woodwork with her motion. When I had to file my response, it was a busy time at work. I spent too much time obsessing about things in my head, that it hurt my performance at work. Though my employer is verbally supportive, blowing out vacation days to attend court on less than 2 weeks notice doesnt make things go smoothly with the boss. (corp policy is 30 days notice)

                              Mentally I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to find a new job once this drama finalizes. At my pay grade it take a long time to find such a role. (6 months last go-around)

                              The system is so slanted to the other gender, and her woe is me story, I feel ashamed to call myself a Canadian.

                              The only way that I've been able to cope with things has been that I've had a great network of life long friends whom I can talk to about this. It doesn't make the problem go away, but good friends can help lift you up.

                              Comment

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